Ditch Your Assumptions and Create More Fulfilling Relationships

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.”
Isaac Asimov

“If others tell us something we make assumptions, and if they don’t tell us something we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don’t understand we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.”
Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

Considering how your mind was designed to process information every waking second, it comes as no surprise that it often corrupts incoming data with misinterpretations. Add to that your desire for closure, and you jump to conclusions all day long. The problem is, many of those conclusions are right. That’s a problem because you then go blithely on creating stories in your head and believing them. This causes an incredible amount of unseen damage, as each assumption begets a string of additional assumptions until you are in some nether world of your own making that might be galaxies away from the truth.

Since each head is its own universe, and you can never truly or fully know anyone else’s mind, your assumptions about other people’s motives are bound to be wrong a good deal of the time. The damage those assumptions make is unfathomable.

In addition, you are always projecting your own unacknowledged thoughts and feelings onto everyone in your orbit. What makes that especially pernicious is how easy it is to ascribe incorrect motives to other people’s behaviors. Then, act as if those imagined motives were true.

If you want better relationships check out your preconceived notions. Put them through the wringer of reality. Remind yourself you never really know what’s going inside someone else’s head no matter how long you have known them. There are always thoughts and feelings they haven’t shared with you. It’s sheer hubris to think you ever fully know another person. Contrary to what you might believe, this awareness will not make you cynical, but open. Open to looking at everyone, including those people you have known for ages, with new eyes. It will encourage you to ask more questions about their current thoughts and feelings rather than assuming their past thoughts and feelings are indicative of how they react now. This, in turn, will improve all your relationships as most people like to be asked what they think. It makes them feel valued, respected, and heard.

Asking is not easy; but, as Michael Ruiz said, it’s the antidote to assuming. It’s so darn difficult because the ego gets in the way. The ego loves when you make assumptions as it thinks it’s all knowing and powerful. By asking and checking out your assumptions, you give the ego a rest. It doesn’t like that, but it can learn to lessen its endless natterings and interference. That allows fresh data to enter your cranium where it can create new ways of looking at others, yourself, and the world.

It takes courage to change, and nothing has more pervasive ramifications than thinking differently; especially, when it comes to your assumptions.

As a yogi, I am naturally predisposed to noticing how yoga catalyzes change and growth. Here, it allows the incessant chatter to calm down a bit. How exactly does that work? Try doing a yoga posture and not paying attention to your body. You will fall down or hurt yourself. Yoga forces you to pay attention to something other than the fluctuations of your mind. In time, that becomes a habit. It also encourages patience with yourself as you navigate difficult postures. This, in turn, helps you extend more patience to others. Listening and asking questions takes far more patience than assuming you already know what someone is thinking and feeling.

Similarly, meditation helps open your mind as it makes you aware of the constant stream of ever-changing thoughts and feelings. If your mind works like that it stands to reason other people’s minds do, too. They are also constantly rethinking things and processing emotions. Meditation keeps you aware of your own mind’s proclivities as well as other people’s.

If you still want to assume things, why not just assume the best? Try it for one day and see if you don’t find life and all your interactions far more pleasant.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

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Nicole Urdang

Nicole S. Urdang, M.S., NCC, DHM is a Holistic Psychotherapist in Buffalo, NY. She holds a New York state license in mental health counseling and a doctorate in homeopathic medicine from the British Institute of Homeopathy.