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Archives for April 2022

How self-pity can be the first step toward self-compassion. 

April 21, 2022 by Nicole Urdang

Believe it or not, self-pity can be the first step toward self-compassion.

Most of us learned that self-pity was to be avoided at all costs. It was narcissistic, self indulgent, and shameful. Clearly, anyone worth their salt  would not wallow in self-pity and, if they did, they would never admit it.

Recently, I’ve been reframing the whole notion of self-pity. I think it can be an incredible pathway to self-compassion, one of the hardest things to cultivate in yourself. In western cultures, especially the United States, we have been told that the best way to motivate yourself is to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and, as the Nike ad used to say: “Just do it.”

Is it possible that Puritanical, Calvinistic way of looking at things has propelled us to where we are now? A nation of addicts? When I say we’re a nation of addicts, I’m not just talking about marijuana, alcohol, and opiates. I’m referring to all the various obsessive compulsive ways we deal with life’s stressors. There’s nothing wrong with wanting some respite from duty, work, and responsibilities. It’s the yin to the yang of life. However, when it becomes self-destructive it’s helpful to look at your inner dialogue and how you’re treating yourself. 

If your life is so awful that the only way you can manage another day is with drugs, alcohol, porn, debt from overspending, over-eating, angry rants on social media, or even violence, perhaps it’s time to rethink your choices.

Believe it or not, being kind and gentle to yourself, even if it looks like self-pity at first, is the path to deep positive change.

It’s that incessant pushing and striving, not to mention perfectionism, that really undermines you. And, once amped up into an internal frenzy, any distraction looks appealing.

No one sets out to gamble their family’s money away, to end up in a methadone treatment center or on a lifetime supply of Suboxone. They’re all results of coping mechanisms that got out of control.

Overwhelming stress does not always come from external pressures, but from internal pressure to succeed and look as if you have it all together. There’s nothing wrong with accomplishing things and wanting to present your best self most of the time, but anything that results in self-medicating to live with your choices, is worth scrutinizing.

If you find yourself suffused with self-pity, look at it as a gift. There’s nothing wrong with what you’re feeling. Its a natural reaction to all the pressure you put on yourself. Think of it as a trailhead to a path of greater self-compassion and, perhaps, different life choices.

If you put yourself down for those same self-pitying feelings, it will only add to the stress you already experience. Embrace them. See them as messengers from your unconscious mind to take good care of yourself.

Just imagine a world where everyone felt self-compassion. Some of you might joke that it looks like a narcissist’s idea of heaven, but actually over 2500 years ago the Buddha said: There is no one more deserving of compassion than you. What did he mean? I think he believed that if we could treat ourselves with kindness we would be kinder to others.

Let’s take it one step further. If you recognize your own suffering, discontent, frustration, and sadness—-even grief over the state of the world right now—-remember, most people feel it, too.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang 

Filed Under: Personal evolution, Self-compassion, Trauma

How to slow down your monkey mind by activating the direct experience network in your brain.

April 2, 2022 by Nicole Urdang

Neuroscientist Dr. Karolien Notebaert has a wonderful talk on the Insight Timer app that beautifully describes the difference between the default mode network (DMN) and the direct experience network (DEN). You can find it here: https://insig.ht/tz48w6Rowob.

In short, the default mode network shows up when the brain is not engaged in a task. It roams through your memories, opinions, stories of yourself, opinions of others, future concerns, judgments, and comparisons of yourself to others. In yoga and meditation circles it is often referred to as the Monkey Mind. The direct experience network can appear unbidden or conjured up. It occurs when your five senses are engaged in the present moment. For example, when you’re enjoying a massage, eating something delicious, watching a sunset, listening to music, or lying in a warm bath.

If you listen to the talk, you will quickly realize that using all five senses is the path to quieting the default mode network. It’s also important to note that actively trying to suppress your thoughts is as useful as telling yourself not to think of a pink elephant. What we consciously resist persists. It’s simply the way the brain works.

Here are a number of ways you can engage your five senses to re-ground in the body and activate the direct experience network. This is not to repress the default mode network, but to allow it to quiet down naturally.

Almost every meditation teacher extols the value of focusing on the breath, and it can be amazingly helpful; however, for some people, focusing on the breath actually has a paradoxical effect and increases their anxiety. If you notice yourself reacting that way, using other techniques may be more beneficial.

If breath awareness is beneficial to you, one of the best things you can do is lengthen your exhalations. Even if you simply lengthen them by one second, it can activate the calming portion of your nervous system, the parasympathetic branch. I would also encourage you to check out other breathing techniques here: https://holisticdivorcecounseling.com/breath-work-relaxation-techniques/

If you happen to have an essential oil, especially one known for its calming properties, like lavender, cedar, pine, or chamomile, simply putting a drop or two on a tissue and smelling it can refocus your brain and reset your nervous system. Perhaps, there is a scent that you associate with positive memories? If you can find it in an essential oil, I encourage you to seek it out. Real estate agents have been using this technique for decades, which is why they often ask homeowners to bake some chocolate chip cookies or put a pan of cinnamon and clove scented water on the stove. These calming aromas help people feel relaxed, safe, and at home.

While there are many grounding techniques that can also engage your senses (see them here: https://holisticdivorcecounseling.com/grounding-techniques/) an easy and always available one, if you are sighted, is to visually scan your environment for everything you see that’s blue. Once you’ve exhausted that color, you can start noticing everything that is green, red, orange, etc.

A classic grounding technique is exploring where your body feels supported. If your feet are on the floor, feel grounded through the soles of your feet, held by the earth. If you’re lying down, allow the whole length of your back body to feel grounded and supported. If you’re sitting in a chair, feel your back and the back of your thighs held and supported. 

I am a big fan of simultaneously grounding in the body and breath through qigong. You can find out how that helps here: https://holisticdivorcecounseling.com/qigong-for-trauma-stability-strength-flexibility-and-emotional-balance/  I especially like Jeff Chand’s qigong YouTube videos.

Walking meditation can also be very grounding. Try this wonderful 10 minute guided version: https://insig.ht/6ttaw7OnLob

Many people find nature sounds and music wonderful ways to shift the focus from the default mode network to the direct experience network. Using music or sounds with embedded binaural beats can activate theta brain waves that naturally calm and soothe the mind. These can easily be found on the free Insight Timer app.

Another audible option is to listen to a meditation that routinely takes your mind in a different direction. If you have a favorite spoken word meditation that reliably reorients your thinking, use it. Again, the Insight Timer offers a cornucopia of choices. ( As there are over 130,000 meditations on that site, you can find a list of my favorite teachers here: https://holisticdivorcecounseling.com/insight-timer-my-curated-list-of-best-meditations/)

Similarly, depending on where you are, you can focus on whatever sounds you hear. For yoga practitioners, the audible ujjayi breath is a good anchor in both breath and sound.

Using taste is another wonderful way to shift body-mind awareness. A cup of plain hot water or tea gives you something to sip and focus on. Drinking a hot liquid has also been found to activate both the vagus nerve and parasympathetic nervous system. If there is another flavor that routinely focuses your mind on something delicious, like mint or chocolate, you may want to try that.

Those are all examples of how to use your five senses to encourage your direct experience network when your mind is racing, you’re feeling anxious, or life is overwhelming. The more you practice them the more they can become your own default mechanism.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang 

Filed Under: Anxiety, Holistic tools, Overwhelm

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