Archives for 2022

Five things that fuel feeling overwhelmed. 

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Almost everyone feels overwhelmed sometimes. All it takes is a few extra stresses on top of our normal responsibilities and it’s easy to get tense, reactive, and overwhelmed. Since we can’t control all the variables in our life, the best thing we can do is not fuel the flames when we feel burdened, emotionally raw, and doubting our ability to cope.

Here are five things to watch out for as you make it through a particularly challenging time. With a little self-inquiry, a lot of self-compassion, and the intention to lighten your load, you can support yourself more wisely through a rough patch.

Perfectionism:

The desire to find the exact right response to a stressful situation or big decision, and fear of making the wrong choice, adds lots of extra pressure to a situation that’s already overwhelming. Remember that there really are no wrong choices. If you doubt me, read: No Mistakes Only Lessons. It’s also helpful to remind yourself you’re doing the best you can in this moment. It’s hard enough to make decisions when stressed, adding extra pressure will only make it feel more overwhelming.

Impatience for resolution:

Feeling overwhelmed is overwhelming. Like all discomfort, most of us want it to end as soon as possible. Unfortunately, when we push for a quick resolution, we can act in haste and repent at leisure. While it’s hard to pause and thoroughly consider all the aspects of what’s overwhelming you, especially, if you feel triggered, flooded with cortisol and adrenaline, or highly anxious, it’s probably the best thing you can do. 

As long as you believe you have to deal with everything immediately it will feel daunting.

Break up your tasks into small parts and vow to only do one at a time. Current research on multi-tasking has found that it is less productive than mono-tasking.

Unhelpful thoughts that undermine your confidence:

I can’t handle this. It’s too much. (You may not want to, but you probably can.)

I’ll never be able to cope with all this. (Take a few minutes to recall times when you handled unpleasant and difficult situations in the past.)

I shouldn’t be feeling overwhelmed. (Benign as this may sound, it might be the most unhelpful thought of all. Give yourself a cosmic permission slip to feel overwhelmed. This ultimate allowing of what is true for you now makes your roiling thoughts and emotions feel safer and more manageable. Mindfulness meditation, where you sit with the feeling even if you’re afraid it will engulf you, is the best thing you can do to re-ground.)

Forgetting how resilient you have been and still can be:

It’s so easy to lose sight of every difficulty you have faced in the past, whether interpersonal, vocational, physical, financial, or existential. During a crisis, or anything that feels like one, it’s especially important to call up other tough situations you have faced and conquered, or simply lived through, in the past.

Neuroscience tells us we’re Velcro for the negative and Teflon for the positive. It’s not you, it’s simply how our brains are wired. Actively recalling times when you faced your demons, even if you simply waited until they left, builds resilience. It reminds you you can deal with what feels overwhelming.

Getting hooked by your body’s chemical reactions to stress and believing they are your only truth:

When stress chemicals flood your body and mind it can feel scary and unnerving. It’s easy to have them undermine your confidence and experience in handling life’s challenges. In the midst of feeling insecure and emotionally weak, it’s crucial to remember this is temporary. What makes that especially hard is that, once your body chemistry changes, and you’re in fight/flight mode, it’s as if your pre-frontal cortex is suddenly offline. When that happens you can use an anxiety coping strategy to calm down. (Check out the anxiety section on this site.)

Or, choose to wait until the adrenaline and cortisol storm subsides. 

Resisting the urge to act once your nervous system is engaged is the smartest thing you can do. Take an adult time-out, if possible. If not, and you’re with someone who is pressuring you for an immediate response, say: I’m not in a position to give you an answer now. I’ll have think about this and get back to you.

No one likes feeling pressured. When the pressure is from external demands, and things you can’t control, like accidents, health issues, job loss, etc., perfectionistic ideas of how you “should” cope only exacerbate your stress. It’s in these moments of life slinging it’s full quiver of arrows at you that your self-compassion can come to the rescue. Ask yourself: What is the kindest thing I can do for myself right now? Then, do it. Even if you think of dozens of reasons why your can’t or shouldn’t. Make your mental health the priority. It will not only help you stay centered and calmer in the moment, but build emotional muscle for the next time you feel overwhelmed.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang 

How To Improve Your Relationships By Asking Good Questions.

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If you want to improve your relationships learn to ask good questions. Frankly, if you want to improve your life learn to ask good questions.

While research shows that we get a hit of dopamine every time we talk about ourselves, there are hidden benefits to learning more about others. Not the least of which is that the more you know about another person and the more they know about you, the greater the intimacy. The greater the sense of being seen, heard, and in the best of all possible worlds, validated.

When you think about your own interactions which way do you lean? Are you doing most of the talking or most of the listening? As obvious as it sounds, the more balanced the mix, the greater the likelihood for a true meeting of the minds and hearts.

If you’ve noticed that you do most of the talking, you may want to take a step back and focus on listening. It can be exciting to discover what others think, feel and experience. 

Asking questions with yes or no answers will not plumb someone else’s depths. On the other hand, asking questions with open-ended answers often takes the conversation into unexplored areas.

You don’t need to be a psychotherapist to learn a few simple questions that can lead to far more satisfying relationships.

Here are a few of my favorites:

What’s on your mind these days?

How are you spending your time lately?

What’s bringing you joy?

Your questions don’t need to get sophisticated, intellectual, or fancy. It’s really amazing how asking one of these seemingly simple ones can bring forth a wealth of information. And once someone gets going you can ask them follow-up questions.

The trick is not interrupting and resisting using what they say to pivot into your own experience. We all interrupt and we all go off on our own tangents. It’s not about never doing it, it’s about doing it less and being aware of when you do it.

I once read a study that showed that the happiest families were ones in which everybody interrupted each other during dinner. Clearly, you don’t want to sacrifice spontaneity to the god of rigidity; on the other hand, you don’t want to be a conversational bully.

Since most people enjoy the dopamine hit they get from talking about themselves, you can use that to your advantage conversationally. It will, as Dale Carnegie used to say, win you friends and influence people. Yet, it may not be satisfying for you. If all you’re doing is listening to other people all the time, you may feel dissatisfied, unseen, or resentful. For most people, this gets old fast. That’s why sometimes it’s helpful to just jump in with your own experience. 

If all you’re doing is asking questions all the time your conversation can feel more like an interrogation. It’s more like a dance. A dance many find difficult. Unlike a dance, one person isn’t always leading. It’s give-and-take. In the best conversations this appears to happen effortlessly and feels incredibly satisfying. There are times of pure listening and reflecting, mixed with times of spontaneous jumping in with one’s own thoughts.

Simply paying attention to your own conversational style, and that of your closest friends and family, can be a very enriching experience. Just notice if one person is dominating, or if there is an ebb and flow.

The one exception to everything I have said is if somebody is going through a really hard time. That’s when the conversation will be more one-sided to let you offer the most support. When people are going through something challenging they need every dopamine hit they can get. If venting provides some, I suggest letting them vent.

It can be fascinating to notice different conversational dynamics you have with various people in your life and to adjust your own behavior to make these  interactions more satisfying. 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

What’s the difference between acceptance and letting go? 

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While both acceptance and letting go are verbs, there is a qualitative difference between them. Acceptance feels more like allowing or surrendering, and letting go seems to be a more active process.

Depending on your history and personality, one may seem easier than the other. It’s interesting to play with your reactions to these different words to see what they evoke in you. Whichever one you choose, it allows you to be more fully engaged with life as it is rather than how you would like it to be.

Of course, when we speak of accepting and letting go, we’re almost always referring to things we find challenging to release. It’s easy to let go of something you don’t want, but it’s incredibly difficult to relinquish something you think you should have or you convinced yourself you can’t live without.

It might be a physical capacity, person, job, part of your identity, or even a yet unrealized dream of your future that is no longer possible. These can all be enormously difficult to navigate emotionally and cognitively, as it is incredibly hard to make peace with something you don’t want.

Yet, the alternative is even more torturous. As long as we resist reality, we suffer. That suffering can feel unrelenting and, even, unbearable. Thankfully, a feeling is not a fact. We can all bear what we don’t like.

For most people, it’s necessary to feel things fully before we can accept them or let them go. That process may happen quickly or it can take a lifetime. There’s no right way to process things, and pressuring yourself to get over something before you’re fully ready, before you have fully grieved its loss, can feel like an act of violence towards yourself.

The hardest part of moving towards acceptance and letting go is allowing life to have its way with you while understanding you have choices in how you respond. Giving yourself permission to feel deep disappointment and grief over not having what you wish you could, or what you may have fantasized about for years, opens the door to eventual acceptance. It takes a lot of work to actively let go of preconceived notions, especially if you thought a particular outcome was essential to your happiness. This active process of reframing what you thought was necessary into something you think you might have merely preferred, requires true grit. It usually takes a long time. Thankfully, as you surrender to what is, you find pockets of relief and peace. Eventually, you realize you have mostly, or even completely, let go of a preconceived idea that was deeply entrenched in your body, mind, and spirit, and you can truly allow life to be as it is. This opens you up to a new realm of self-acceptance and joy.

Almost everything worth changing requires patience and practice. Accepting and letting go are two of the hardest tasks we humans face. Why? Because we so passionately want what we want. But, as the Buddha said, craving and aversion are sure paths to suffering. Continuing to want what may not be possible and torturing ourselves by fruitlessly fighting reality, are often necessary experiences, at least for most people. In time, we can let go, accept and enjoy the emotional freedom that comes from surrendering to what is.

If you try to skip the unpleasant step of railing against what you don’t want because you don’t think it’s spiritually evolved, or you think you’re not acting maturely, you only slow down the entire process. That’s the ego getting in the way of your adapting to life. The ego loves feeling in control.

The good news is that every time we go through the cycle of wanting what we want, fighting the reality of not always getting it, and coming to peace with life as it is, the more skillfully and quickly we can adapt in the future. It’s almost impossible to immediately embrace life on life‘s terms; especially, when it continues to throw you curveballs. Be kind to yourself and allow a period of adjustment when you go from your preconceived notions of how things were supposed to be to how they actually are. And, remember, it might take years to get there.

There are some things we take to the grave. It’s perfectionistic to think we can work through and accept everything life throws at us. As I like to say, no one dies with their inbox empty. There will always be things we haven’t been able to fully assimilate or work through. That’s just part of being human. Our job is to make it safe to be exactly how we are in this moment. 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Antidotes for five words that create stress and ruin relationships.

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Many years ago, when I studied with Dr. Albert Ellis, I learned the five words that create stress, dissatisfaction, and ruined relationships. They are: NEED, MUST, SHOULDN’T, SHOULD and CAN’T.

These five words are like mental handcuffs. They keep you from feeling free, creatively exploring life, and, most of all, living with self-compassion. They create depression, anger, worthlessness, anxiety, panic, and grief. In addition, they catalyze procrastination, stress, and avoidance.

Some people think these words can be motivating, but that assumes the stick works better than the carrot. I have never found that to be the case. Kindness, patience, understanding, praise, appreciation, and gentleness are far more motivating.

These five words have incredible power to create stress in your body-mind. You might feel this consciously or unconsciously through various symptoms including: migraines, stomach issues, heart palpitations, hives, neck, shoulder and back pain, insomnia, and a host of annoying or painful conditions. You can also feel their effect emotionally through: anger, anxiety, depression, worthlessness, resentment, etc.

By habitually noticing the pervasiveness of these five words in your self-talk and conversations, you begin to recognize the incredible pressure they put on you and on everyone in your life, either directly or indirectly.

While it’s tempting to think you can simply replace them with their antidotes, it’s not so easy. The crucial first step is awareness.

How often do you tell yourself you need something you merely want?

Do you pepper your self-talk with musts? Can you see how this creates pressure?

What about all the shoulds and shouldn’ts constantly fighting for cranium space? Do you find yourself thinking or saying you, everyone, and everything in your life should be different from how you, they, or it are?

Does your self-doubt appear as “I can’t?” If so, where is the evidence you can’t just because you think something is difficult?

The five ANTIDOTE words and phrases are: WANT, WISH, COULD, I WOULD PREFER IT IF…, IT MIGHT BE BETTER IF…, I DON’T WANT TO DO X, Y OR Z.

As usual, curiosity is your best friend here. Start by asking yourself these questions:

Must I have what I merely want?

Do people have to do what I wish they would?

Do I truly need what I desire, or wish I had?

Are my real needs already being met?

Isn’t life, and everyone in it, exactly as it and they should be, whether it suits my wishes, or not?

All these words are different from demands on yourself, others, and society. Railing against the way things are is fruitless and creates misery. By changing your inner and spoken vocabulary you can actually change your brain. Your expectations of yourself and others relax a bit and life can feel a little easier.

Last but not least, this is self-compassion in action. If you find yourself having trouble accessing feelings of self-compassion, even if you’re using Kristen Neff’s wonderful website (https://self-compassion.org) or YouTube videos, try changing your words. It alerts you to how hard you can be on yourself while giving you concrete ways to change that inner narrative.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

How self-pity can be the first step toward self-compassion. 

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Believe it or not, self-pity can be the first step toward self-compassion.

Most of us learned that self-pity was to be avoided at all costs. It was narcissistic, self indulgent, and shameful. Clearly, anyone worth their salt  would not wallow in self-pity and, if they did, they would never admit it.

Recently, I’ve been reframing the whole notion of self-pity. I think it can be an incredible pathway to self-compassion, one of the hardest things to cultivate in yourself. In western cultures, especially the United States, we have been told that the best way to motivate yourself is to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and, as the Nike ad used to say: “Just do it.”

Is it possible that Puritanical, Calvinistic way of looking at things has propelled us to where we are now? A nation of addicts? When I say we’re a nation of addicts, I’m not just talking about marijuana, alcohol, and opiates. I’m referring to all the various obsessive compulsive ways we deal with life’s stressors. There’s nothing wrong with wanting some respite from duty, work, and responsibilities. It’s the yin to the yang of life. However, when it becomes self-destructive it’s helpful to look at your inner dialogue and how you’re treating yourself. 

If your life is so awful that the only way you can manage another day is with drugs, alcohol, porn, debt from overspending, over-eating, angry rants on social media, or even violence, perhaps it’s time to rethink your choices.

Believe it or not, being kind and gentle to yourself, even if it looks like self-pity at first, is the path to deep positive change.

It’s that incessant pushing and striving, not to mention perfectionism, that really undermines you. And, once amped up into an internal frenzy, any distraction looks appealing.

No one sets out to gamble their family’s money away, to end up in a methadone treatment center or on a lifetime supply of Suboxone. They’re all results of coping mechanisms that got out of control.

Overwhelming stress does not always come from external pressures, but from internal pressure to succeed and look as if you have it all together. There’s nothing wrong with accomplishing things and wanting to present your best self most of the time, but anything that results in self-medicating to live with your choices, is worth scrutinizing.

If you find yourself suffused with self-pity, look at it as a gift. There’s nothing wrong with what you’re feeling. Its a natural reaction to all the pressure you put on yourself. Think of it as a trailhead to a path of greater self-compassion and, perhaps, different life choices.

If you put yourself down for those same self-pitying feelings, it will only add to the stress you already experience. Embrace them. See them as messengers from your unconscious mind to take good care of yourself.

Just imagine a world where everyone felt self-compassion. Some of you might joke that it looks like a narcissist’s idea of heaven, but actually over 2500 years ago the Buddha said: There is no one more deserving of compassion than you. What did he mean? I think he believed that if we could treat ourselves with kindness we would be kinder to others.

Let’s take it one step further. If you recognize your own suffering, discontent, frustration, and sadness—-even grief over the state of the world right now—-remember, most people feel it, too.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang 

How to slow down your monkey mind by activating the direct experience network in your brain.

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Neuroscientist Dr. Karolien Notebaert has a wonderful talk on the Insight Timer app that beautifully describes the difference between the default mode network (DMN) and the direct experience network (DEN). You can find it here: https://insig.ht/tz48w6Rowob.

In short, the default mode network shows up when the brain is not engaged in a task. It roams through your memories, opinions, stories of yourself, opinions of others, future concerns, judgments, and comparisons of yourself to others. In yoga and meditation circles it is often referred to as the Monkey Mind. The direct experience network can appear unbidden or conjured up. It occurs when your five senses are engaged in the present moment. For example, when you’re enjoying a massage, eating something delicious, watching a sunset, listening to music, or lying in a warm bath.

If you listen to the talk, you will quickly realize that using all five senses is the path to quieting the default mode network. It’s also important to note that actively trying to suppress your thoughts is as useful as telling yourself not to think of a pink elephant. What we consciously resist persists. It’s simply the way the brain works.

Here are a number of ways you can engage your five senses to re-ground in the body and activate the direct experience network. This is not to repress the default mode network, but to allow it to quiet down naturally.

Almost every meditation teacher extols the value of focusing on the breath, and it can be amazingly helpful; however, for some people, focusing on the breath actually has a paradoxical effect and increases their anxiety. If you notice yourself reacting that way, using other techniques may be more beneficial.

If breath awareness is beneficial to you, one of the best things you can do is lengthen your exhalations. Even if you simply lengthen them by one second, it can activate the calming portion of your nervous system, the parasympathetic branch. I would also encourage you to check out other breathing techniques here: https://holisticdivorcecounseling.com/breath-work-relaxation-techniques/

If you happen to have an essential oil, especially one known for its calming properties, like lavender, cedar, pine, or chamomile, simply putting a drop or two on a tissue and smelling it can refocus your brain and reset your nervous system. Perhaps, there is a scent that you associate with positive memories? If you can find it in an essential oil, I encourage you to seek it out. Real estate agents have been using this technique for decades, which is why they often ask homeowners to bake some chocolate chip cookies or put a pan of cinnamon and clove scented water on the stove. These calming aromas help people feel relaxed, safe, and at home.

While there are many grounding techniques that can also engage your senses (see them here: https://holisticdivorcecounseling.com/grounding-techniques/) an easy and always available one, if you are sighted, is to visually scan your environment for everything you see that’s blue. Once you’ve exhausted that color, you can start noticing everything that is green, red, orange, etc.

A classic grounding technique is exploring where your body feels supported. If your feet are on the floor, feel grounded through the soles of your feet, held by the earth. If you’re lying down, allow the whole length of your back body to feel grounded and supported. If you’re sitting in a chair, feel your back and the back of your thighs held and supported. 

I am a big fan of simultaneously grounding in the body and breath through qigong. You can find out how that helps here: https://holisticdivorcecounseling.com/qigong-for-trauma-stability-strength-flexibility-and-emotional-balance/  I especially like Jeff Chand’s qigong YouTube videos.

Walking meditation can also be very grounding. Try this wonderful 10 minute guided version: https://insig.ht/6ttaw7OnLob

Many people find nature sounds and music wonderful ways to shift the focus from the default mode network to the direct experience network. Using music or sounds with embedded binaural beats can activate theta brain waves that naturally calm and soothe the mind. These can easily be found on the free Insight Timer app.

Another audible option is to listen to a meditation that routinely takes your mind in a different direction. If you have a favorite spoken word meditation that reliably reorients your thinking, use it. Again, the Insight Timer offers a cornucopia of choices. ( As there are over 130,000 meditations on that site, you can find a list of my favorite teachers here: https://holisticdivorcecounseling.com/insight-timer-my-curated-list-of-best-meditations/)

Similarly, depending on where you are, you can focus on whatever sounds you hear. For yoga practitioners, the audible ujjayi breath is a good anchor in both breath and sound.

Using taste is another wonderful way to shift body-mind awareness. A cup of plain hot water or tea gives you something to sip and focus on. Drinking a hot liquid has also been found to activate both the vagus nerve and parasympathetic nervous system. If there is another flavor that routinely focuses your mind on something delicious, like mint or chocolate, you may want to try that.

Those are all examples of how to use your five senses to encourage your direct experience network when your mind is racing, you’re feeling anxious, or life is overwhelming. The more you practice them the more they can become your own default mechanism.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang