Holistic Divorce Counseling

Archives for 2022

Antidotes for five words that create stress and ruin relationships.

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Many years ago, when I studied with Dr. Albert Ellis, I learned the five words that create stress, dissatisfaction, and ruined relationships. They are: NEED, MUST, SHOULDN’T, SHOULD and CAN’T.

These five words are like mental handcuffs. They keep you from feeling free, creatively exploring life, and, most of all, living with self-compassion. They create depression, anger, worthlessness, anxiety, panic, and grief. In addition, they catalyze procrastination, stress, and avoidance.

Some people think these words can be motivating, but that assumes the stick works better than the carrot. I have never found that to be the case. Kindness, patience, understanding, praise, appreciation, and gentleness are far more motivating.

These five words have incredible power to create stress in your body-mind. You might feel this consciously or unconsciously through various symptoms including: migraines, stomach issues, heart palpitations, hives, neck, shoulder and back pain, insomnia, and a host of annoying or painful conditions. You can also feel their effect emotionally through: anger, anxiety, depression, worthlessness, resentment, etc.

By habitually noticing the pervasiveness of these five words in your self-talk and conversations, you begin to recognize the incredible pressure they put on you and on everyone in your life, either directly or indirectly.

While it’s tempting to think you can simply replace them with their antidotes, it’s not so easy. The crucial first step is awareness.

How often do you tell yourself you need something you merely want?

Do you pepper your self-talk with musts? Can you see how this creates pressure?

What about all the shoulds and shouldn’ts constantly fighting for cranium space? Do you find yourself thinking or saying you, everyone, and everything in your life should be different from how you, they, or it are?

Does your self-doubt appear as “I can’t?” If so, where is the evidence you can’t just because you think something is difficult?

The five ANTIDOTE words and phrases are: WANT, WISH, COULD, I WOULD PREFER IT IF…, IT MIGHT BE BETTER IF…, I DON’T WANT TO DO X, Y OR Z.

As usual, curiosity is your best friend here. Start by asking yourself these questions:

Must I have what I merely want?

Do people have to do what I wish they would?

Do I truly need what I desire, or wish I had?

Are my real needs already being met?

Isn’t life, and everyone in it, exactly as it and they should be, whether it suits my wishes, or not?

All these words are different from demands on yourself, others, and society. Railing against the way things are is fruitless and creates misery. By changing your inner and spoken vocabulary you can actually change your brain. Your expectations of yourself and others relax a bit and life can feel a little easier.

Last but not least, this is self-compassion in action. If you find yourself having trouble accessing feelings of self-compassion, even if you’re using Kristen Neff’s wonderful website (https://self-compassion.org) or YouTube videos, try changing your words. It alerts you to how hard you can be on yourself while giving you concrete ways to change that inner narrative.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

How self-pity can be the first step toward self-compassion. 

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Believe it or not, self-pity can be the first step toward self-compassion.

Most of us learned that self-pity was to be avoided at all costs. It was narcissistic, self indulgent, and shameful. Clearly, anyone worth their salt  would not wallow in self-pity and, if they did, they would never admit it.

Recently, I’ve been reframing the whole notion of self-pity. I think it can be an incredible pathway to self-compassion, one of the hardest things to cultivate in yourself. In western cultures, especially the United States, we have been told that the best way to motivate yourself is to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and, as the Nike ad used to say: “Just do it.”

Is it possible that Puritanical, Calvinistic way of looking at things has propelled us to where we are now? A nation of addicts? When I say we’re a nation of addicts, I’m not just talking about marijuana, alcohol, and opiates. I’m referring to all the various obsessive compulsive ways we deal with life’s stressors. There’s nothing wrong with wanting some respite from duty, work, and responsibilities. It’s the yin to the yang of life. However, when it becomes self-destructive it’s helpful to look at your inner dialogue and how you’re treating yourself. 

If your life is so awful that the only way you can manage another day is with drugs, alcohol, porn, debt from overspending, over-eating, angry rants on social media, or even violence, perhaps it’s time to rethink your choices.

Believe it or not, being kind and gentle to yourself, even if it looks like self-pity at first, is the path to deep positive change.

It’s that incessant pushing and striving, not to mention perfectionism, that really undermines you. And, once amped up into an internal frenzy, any distraction looks appealing.

No one sets out to gamble their family’s money away, to end up in a methadone treatment center or on a lifetime supply of Suboxone. They’re all results of coping mechanisms that got out of control.

Overwhelming stress does not always come from external pressures, but from internal pressure to succeed and look as if you have it all together. There’s nothing wrong with accomplishing things and wanting to present your best self most of the time, but anything that results in self-medicating to live with your choices, is worth scrutinizing.

If you find yourself suffused with self-pity, look at it as a gift. There’s nothing wrong with what you’re feeling. Its a natural reaction to all the pressure you put on yourself. Think of it as a trailhead to a path of greater self-compassion and, perhaps, different life choices.

If you put yourself down for those same self-pitying feelings, it will only add to the stress you already experience. Embrace them. See them as messengers from your unconscious mind to take good care of yourself.

Just imagine a world where everyone felt self-compassion. Some of you might joke that it looks like a narcissist’s idea of heaven, but actually over 2500 years ago the Buddha said: There is no one more deserving of compassion than you. What did he mean? I think he believed that if we could treat ourselves with kindness we would be kinder to others.

Let’s take it one step further. If you recognize your own suffering, discontent, frustration, and sadness—-even grief over the state of the world right now—-remember, most people feel it, too.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang 

How to slow down your monkey mind by activating the direct experience network in your brain.

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Neuroscientist Dr. Karolien Notebaert has a wonderful talk on the Insight Timer app that beautifully describes the difference between the default mode network (DMN) and the direct experience network (DEN). You can find it here: https://insig.ht/tz48w6Rowob.

In short, the default mode network shows up when the brain is not engaged in a task. It roams through your memories, opinions, stories of yourself, opinions of others, future concerns, judgments, and comparisons of yourself to others. In yoga and meditation circles it is often referred to as the Monkey Mind. The direct experience network can appear unbidden or conjured up. It occurs when your five senses are engaged in the present moment. For example, when you’re enjoying a massage, eating something delicious, watching a sunset, listening to music, or lying in a warm bath.

If you listen to the talk, you will quickly realize that using all five senses is the path to quieting the default mode network. It’s also important to note that actively trying to suppress your thoughts is as useful as telling yourself not to think of a pink elephant. What we consciously resist persists. It’s simply the way the brain works.

Here are a number of ways you can engage your five senses to re-ground in the body and activate the direct experience network. This is not to repress the default mode network, but to allow it to quiet down naturally.

Almost every meditation teacher extols the value of focusing on the breath, and it can be amazingly helpful; however, for some people, focusing on the breath actually has a paradoxical effect and increases their anxiety. If you notice yourself reacting that way, using other techniques may be more beneficial.

If breath awareness is beneficial to you, one of the best things you can do is lengthen your exhalations. Even if you simply lengthen them by one second, it can activate the calming portion of your nervous system, the parasympathetic branch. I would also encourage you to check out other breathing techniques here: https://holisticdivorcecounseling.com/breath-work-relaxation-techniques/

If you happen to have an essential oil, especially one known for its calming properties, like lavender, cedar, pine, or chamomile, simply putting a drop or two on a tissue and smelling it can refocus your brain and reset your nervous system. Perhaps, there is a scent that you associate with positive memories? If you can find it in an essential oil, I encourage you to seek it out. Real estate agents have been using this technique for decades, which is why they often ask homeowners to bake some chocolate chip cookies or put a pan of cinnamon and clove scented water on the stove. These calming aromas help people feel relaxed, safe, and at home.

While there are many grounding techniques that can also engage your senses (see them here: https://holisticdivorcecounseling.com/grounding-techniques/) an easy and always available one, if you are sighted, is to visually scan your environment for everything you see that’s blue. Once you’ve exhausted that color, you can start noticing everything that is green, red, orange, etc.

A classic grounding technique is exploring where your body feels supported. If your feet are on the floor, feel grounded through the soles of your feet, held by the earth. If you’re lying down, allow the whole length of your back body to feel grounded and supported. If you’re sitting in a chair, feel your back and the back of your thighs held and supported. 

I am a big fan of simultaneously grounding in the body and breath through qigong. You can find out how that helps here: https://holisticdivorcecounseling.com/qigong-for-trauma-stability-strength-flexibility-and-emotional-balance/  I especially like Jeff Chand’s qigong YouTube videos.

Walking meditation can also be very grounding. Try this wonderful 10 minute guided version: https://insig.ht/6ttaw7OnLob

Many people find nature sounds and music wonderful ways to shift the focus from the default mode network to the direct experience network. Using music or sounds with embedded binaural beats can activate theta brain waves that naturally calm and soothe the mind. These can easily be found on the free Insight Timer app.

Another audible option is to listen to a meditation that routinely takes your mind in a different direction. If you have a favorite spoken word meditation that reliably reorients your thinking, use it. Again, the Insight Timer offers a cornucopia of choices. ( As there are over 130,000 meditations on that site, you can find a list of my favorite teachers here: https://holisticdivorcecounseling.com/insight-timer-my-curated-list-of-best-meditations/)

Similarly, depending on where you are, you can focus on whatever sounds you hear. For yoga practitioners, the audible ujjayi breath is a good anchor in both breath and sound.

Using taste is another wonderful way to shift body-mind awareness. A cup of plain hot water or tea gives you something to sip and focus on. Drinking a hot liquid has also been found to activate both the vagus nerve and parasympathetic nervous system. If there is another flavor that routinely focuses your mind on something delicious, like mint or chocolate, you may want to try that.

Those are all examples of how to use your five senses to encourage your direct experience network when your mind is racing, you’re feeling anxious, or life is overwhelming. The more you practice them the more they can become your own default mechanism.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang 

What makes it so hard to truly befriend yourself?

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We are born helpless and incapable of living without other people’s assistance. We depend on caretakers, usually parents, to take care of us so that we can develop into adults able to live interdependently with others. This is just a fact. And from what we know of history, it’s been true since time immemorial. As much as it can create loving strong bonds with our caretakers, that isn’t always the way things work out. Not everybody has their diaper changed in a timely manner, is soothed when crying, or fed when hungry. But, we are all genetically and evolutionarily primed to expect help from others.

I think it’s really important to understand that when we begin to do deep inner work. It’s very rational to think that we can change our thoughts and work wisely with our emotions and bodily sensations; but, it’s also extremely important to understand that we’ve been programmed since birth to think that what we seek is outside us.

Understanding this is crucial as it clarifies how difficult it is to create a loving, self-supporting relationship with oneself. Not only are you swimming against the tide of your own experience, that what you seek is to be found in others (the opposite of the yogic aphorism that what you seek is always within), but, it goes against millennia of human experience encoded into your very genes.

So what’s the answer? Clearly, you’re not going to redesign your DNA and change the way babies become adults. By acknowledging this deeply ingrained tendency to look outside yourself for comfort, you can begin to grasp how difficult it is to be a consistently loving, warm, kind, patient presence for yourself.

Once that shift occurs, the tiniest progress toward self-compassion and gentleness with whatever arises can be seen as an incredible accomplishment. Over time those little moments of self-love build into a more reliable inner refuge where you can better ride the waves of life’s vicissitudes.

Once again, the task is to be incredibly patient with the process and understand that this is lifelong work. You don’t do it for a week, a month or a year and suddenly it’s inculcated in you. Just like you can’t eat one breakfast and it will suffice for the rest of your life, this is simply another kind of nurturing. You’re feeding yourself psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.

Ideally, that feels so good that you naturally want to continue. Just understand that the old neural pathways are deeply entrenched and the new ones you’re building take a while before they become strong enough to counteract all your former tendencies, habits and patterns.

Just think of the payoff. Won’t it be amazing when you next feel anxious, angry or grief stricken and you can find some peace inside yourself?

Here are a few questions that can help you:

What would you really love to hear from somebody right now?

What’s on your mind?

What are you feeling in your body?

What are you feeling emotionally?

Is this bringing up something from the past? If so, what is it and what feelings does it is evoke? Can you make it safe to be with them just as they are?

Please, remember it takes great courage to plumb your depths. Give yourself credit for being willing to take this journey. The reward is greater self-knowledge and the ability to truly support yourself through whatever arises.

These are especially difficult times and, whether people are consciously aware of it or not, we are all swimming in a sea of anxiety. It has never been more important to be there for yourself in the most comforting, loving ways possible.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

It goes without saying. No, it doesn’t.

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So often, people say: It goes without saying. It’s usually used when someone is saying something kind, complimentary or loving. What a crazy notion, that saying something beautiful and supportive could be unnecessary. What a shame that phrase even exists. 

What could go without saying are so many of the negative things we utter or others have said to us. 

Little “t” trauma, the incessant put downs so many children experienced growing up, has been shown to have far deeper negative consequences than what some experts erroneously call big “T” trauma, things like war, your house burning down, bankruptcy, etc. 

If only humans could realize that sticks and stones may not break your bones, but they can break your spirit. Harsh words linger. They can even form one’s deepest opinion of oneself.

While you can’t go back and redesign your childhood, you can be the change you wish you could have seen. Think before you speak. That doesn’t mean you vet every word before it comes out of your mouth, it means you lovingly assess whether what you are saying is helpful or hurtful. Will it lift someone up or put someone down? What if it were the last thing you said to that person?

Of course, it can be difficult to express loving feelings when you haven’t cultivated loving kindness towards yourself. So few people grew up in an environment where they really felt cherished, seen and heard for who they were, not whom their parents wanted them to be. That makes it incredibly hard to have self-compassion, and especially challenging to give it out to others.

The exception is often with one’s own children. When you didn’t get what you wish you had gotten as a child, it can be the first thing you want to give your own children: a feeling of safety, security and respect.

If you find yourself emotionally constipated sometimes, in other words, holding back from saying something loving, kind, appreciative or complimentary, please, for your sake and the world’s, speak up! Every time you positively affirm someone else’s being, whether it’s as mundane as complimenting their choice of attire or as deep as the way they show up in the world, you’re changing their day and the day of everyone with whom they interact.

Everything good you think and feel deserves voicing. Empower yourself, empower others, and change the world with your words. Don’t deprive yourself of the joy you feel when you share your heartfelt appreciation of others. It’s a revolutionary act.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang 

Feeling resentful? Perhaps, you’re compromising too much.

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In a yoga-inspired course on the chakras, teacher Davidji said of the fourth, or throat, chakra:

“Throughout the day when you find yourself making compromises out of fear, out of playing small, out of not believing in yourself, remind yourself that the vibration ‘hum’ is the vibration of permission. Whether you say it silently or you chant it out loud, it will always be a reminder that you give yourself permission to always be your best version, to undim your light, to allow your voice to be heard.”

He’s right. Giving yourself permission to speak your truth as much as possible, with delicacy and tact, allows you and your relationships to flourish.

Many people think the path to relationship peace is through compromising. While flexibility and openness are a balm to any relationship, over-compromising easily leads to resentment. Not sharing your deepest wishes, whether related to huge life choices or where to go to dinner, makes it unlikely your relationship will go forward in any honest and, ultimately, life-enhancing way. 

Once again, the notion of short term versus long-term hedonism is at work. If you’re a short-term hedonist you choose momentary pleasure that often results in long-term discomfort or pain. When you’re a long-term hedonist you sacrifice the short-term joy for the long-term gain. Whenever you choose to compromise rather than cooperate, and work through different points of view, you’re taking the short-term hedonistic path. You’re sacrificing the long-term goal of allowing somebody to truly get to know what you want so you can avoid the discomfort of disagreement in the moment.

There’s no reason to assume that sharing what you want will always lead to conflict. Learning to skillfully speak for yourself using “I” statements, without putting down someone else’s preferences, allows the other person to clearly hear your wishes and not get defensive.

In the beginning, learning how to stop acquiescing to what other people want, can feel almost impossible, but it gets easier with practice. In time, it can even become your default. If you developed a habit of being passive-aggressive because you didn’t learn how to be assertive, speaking your truth enables you to flex some emotional muscle while feeling more authentically you.

If you think that asking for what you want is going to destroy a relationship, perhaps that relationship is not enhancing your life. 

In time, you will gradually ease into speaking up for yourself more assertively. Assertiveness is never aggressiveness. Assertiveness is just asking for what you want. It’s not treading on someone else’s toes or asking them to want something different; but, it can lead to disappointing people. Disappointing people is a part of life. They will disappoint you and you will disappoint them. It’s natural and normal. Coming to terms with it and accepting it as part of the human condition, creates more inner peace and better relationships. That naturally happens when you choose to change your expectations. There’s nothing more disturbing than expecting something unrealistic from someone and having them continually disappoint you. By expecting what experience has shown you you’re likely to get, you’ll be less disappointed.

If you’re female, society has trained you to serve others. Being agreeable is one of the ways women tend to others and learn to feel good about themselves. Of course, men who want to appear flexible, relaxed, and play well with others, also repress their true desires. The payoff is not just the short term benefit of pleasing others, but the bigger ego boost you get from feeling like a good, kind and emotionally generous person.

One of the five regrets of the dying is: “I wish I had done what I wanted to rather than what other people wanted me to.” If you notice that you have a habit of giving people what they want, rather than giving yourself what you want, and frustration and resentment have become all too familiar, start with something small. The example of choosing what for dinner in the earlier piece on this site called “Compromise or Cooperate?” is a good place to start.

If you’re wondering whether you’re acquiescing to someone else’s desires, because it has become such a habit, try to notice resentment when it first appears. Tune into your physical feelings. Where do you feel resentment in your body? See if you can investigate physical sensations to catch resentment before it becomes overwhelming. Resentment is a clue that you’re not setting good boundaries or not asking for what you want. (The piece on this site called “Your Body Is A Portal” offers ways to work with, and learn from,  bodily sensations.)

As difficult as it is to change something that feels as if it’s a fundamental part of your personality, it is possible. People do it all the time and they benefit in ways they couldn’t ever imagine. Relationships get stronger; and, more importantly, your relationship with yourself becomes more authentic and satisfying. 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang