Archives for 2021

How To Have The Courage To Leave Any Relationship or Situation That Isn’t Serving You.

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You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em.

Kenny Rogers

 

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

Historically, therapists and clergy have extolled the virtues of working through relationship difficulties. While it’s optimistic and great to think you can work through most issues with a loved one, a demanding boss, an addict, or adult child, it’s not always true.

Staying in untenable relationships can bring an immense amount of grief, resentment, and even self-hatred. 

Just like a broken clock being right twice a day, anyone can be nice some of the time. Those random acts of kindness keep you on an intermittent reinforcement schedule, as you sustain days, weeks, or months of unhappiness waiting for the next good period. This wreaks havoc on your emotions, immune system and relationship with yourself.

When you stay in a relationship where you feel disrespected, mistreated, unheard, and taken for granted, it erodes your self respect. Day by day and bit by bit, it eats away at your identity, confidence and self- compassion until you feel beaten down, exhausted, and too tired to make the effort to get up.

Leaving a marriage, friendship or job takes guts. Many people equate leaving with quitting, but nothing could be further from the truth. No one wants to be a quitter, and it’s natural to think things will get better. After all, the culture is hell bent on making people believe anything is possible if you’re just positive and persevering enough. It’s crucial to remember, you only leave when someone or something doesn’t serve you. People don’t leave satisfying jobs and relationships. But inertia exerts a potent force as it often keeps one in unsatisfying situations for a long time before they reach a tipping point and take a leap into something new and unknown.

It isn’t just inertia. It’s the natural human tendency to persevere once you have invested a significant amount to energy in something whether it’s a religion, a relationship or job, the mind doesn’t want to give up. It’s not just society’s influence, either, it’s the idea that because you invested so much time, energy, emotion and money, staying connected to that person, job, idea or institution has to be the right choice. This is why it’s easy to have such deeply entrenched religious and political ideas. After spending years believing something, questioning it can feel as if you are negating all those efforts. No one wants to think they wasted their time. But you can choose to view change as a personal evolutionary process and embrace it as growth. Remember: no mistakes, only lessons.

There is great power in surrendering, letting go and allowing. Because we live in a culture that extols the virtues of personal agency, forward motion, and achievement, letting go has gotten a bad rap. Yet, it is only when we relinquish something that we make space for something new. Unfortunately, the process is often grueling and unpleasant, like almost all transformation and transitions, but it’s worth it.

Quitting does have negative connotations and it’s important to recognize that those are fed by society’s thinking of the collective good and not of you as an individual. For you, personally, leaving anything that isn’t serving you is the healthiest choice you could make.

Almost no one wants to create chaos in their life. People want marriages to work, jobs to sustain them emotionally, intellectually and financially, and relationships (especially those with family) to feel safe and vibrant.  Sadly, life is not a Disney movie and there are many disappointments along the way. Since you can’t avoid them, the best thing is to navigate them with intelligence, kindness, and a hefty dose of self- compassion.  

In spite of your best intentions, you will hurt people and people will hurt you. Whether that’s with malice aforethought, or not, doesn’t matter much at the end of the day.  It’s simply part of the human condition. The best thing you can do is stay open to learning more and more about yourself and others so you make future choices with greater awareness. 

Staying in any unhealthy situation doesn’t serve you. Releasing, surrendering and letting go into something new often entails pain, loss and grief. That’s the price of personal evolution. That’s the price of waking up. And that’s the price of taking the very best care of yourself you possibly can.

Obviously, it takes guts. Bravely going where you haven’t been before, with perils along the way, is far more likely to give you a fulfilled life than playing it safe.

 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang 

What do OCD, addiction and self-discipline have in common?

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What do OCD, addiction and self-discipline have in common? They all involve some form of repetition compulsion. At first glance, it looks as if self-discipline involves using self-control to benefit oneself while addictions and other OCD behaviors look as if someone is out of control. But, as you will see, the essence of all three is the same.

I know it’s a bit of a stretch to imagine that something as beneficial as self-discipline could be similar to addiction or obsessive compulsive disorder, but it is.

In its own way, each one is soothing, comforting and supportive. The only question, if you see yourself in any of these three categories, is: Am I using my innate tendencies to help me or harm me?

It’s amazing how you can take the exact same internal tendency, the desire to be in control, and express it in such radically different ways.

I believe one of the reasons we choose something self-destructive over something helpful has to do with our childhood, biology and peer group influences during adolescence.

No one sets out to become an addict, hoarder, overeater, or anything else self-defeating. Thankfully, the exact same mechanisms that perpetuate those issues can be turned around and used to one’s advantage.

It’s not quick or easy, but it can be done. Think of all the people who once were addicted to alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling, etc. who turned that same underlying energy into exercise, saving money, vocational fulfillment, humanitarian causes, etc.

In 12 step programs, one of the first things they suggest is to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. Cultivating this new habit invites you to shift your OCD tendency from a substance or other harmful addiction to a life enhancing behavior.

Extreme sports, even healthy daily exercise regimes like yoga, qigong and Tai chi can stand in for unhealthy expressions like obsessive thinking and compulsive behaviors.

We have all seen OCD behaviors in their positive, or socially sanctioned, forms. Obsessed with eating healthily? Super ambitious and obsessed with climbing the career ladder? Keep an immaculately clean house? Love routines and rituals? All could be classified as OCD to some degree.

Self-discipline, the lauded twin of addictions and negative behaviors, merely requires a shift in focus? Yes, it’s a 180° shift, but it can be done. Your ego will thank you. Your family, friends and co-workers will thank you, and you will feel in control instead of out of control. It’s crucial to recognize that the very same things that kept you habituated or addicted to something unhelpful can be used to forge a better life. It’s truly incredible how the exact same strategies that made you a successful addict, or got you to wash your hands 50 times a day, can be used positively to create a life of purpose, connection and self-compassion.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang 

The Myth of Self Regulation and the Joy of Co-regulation

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When it comes to healing childhood trauma or any other psychological issue that creates disequilibrium, like anxiety, anger issues, or depression, the recommendation has always been to learn how to self regulate. This is still a crucial part of shoring up one’s resilience and ability to handle life’s challenges. But it is not the only path to greater emotional balance.

For a number of years, there has been a lot of talk in the biopsychosocial community of therapists and neuropsych researchers about co-regulation.

I had always assumed this meant that since we are social creatures, we need others around to soothe us. Furthermore, even though most of these researchers don’t talk about it, the idea that we need other people’s presence to release more oxytocin into our systems which has a calming effect.

Apparently, there is more to co-regulation than meets the eye.

You don’t actually need somebody sitting next to you with their arm around you or holding your hand to activate all the wonderful feelings of connection and calm that co-regulation can bring. All you need is to actively spend time imagining anyone in your life who has ever been kind, understanding, connected, or caring towards you. It might have been a teacher, coach, relative, or someone currently in your life. 

Creating a circle of love is not a new idea, but connecting it to an inner sense of co-regulation, even when you’re alone, reframes the technique in a different context.

How to create a circle of love:

Think of someone, or a few people, who have been there for you. They may have been comforting, supportive or encouraging, but one thing they all share in common is that they saw the real you, accepted you as you were or as you are now. Even more than that, you felt grounded, seen, heard and known in their presence.

Think of this person, or people, and remember how you felt with them. Tune in to their genuine caring for you. Allow yourself to really remember how it feels to be accepted, liked, even loved, for who you are. Use all five senses to fully inhabit the experience, Dwell in the space for as long as you can.

Regularly repeating this exercise, even when you’re not triggered or disturbed by something, builds a completely new and supportive neural pathway in your brain giving you a sense of co-regulation even if you’re by yourself.

Accessing connection in this bodymind way, whether it’s somatically feeling the bond you felt or remembering a moment of deep connection, can be incredibly grounding and soothing.

Happily, there are other ways to release oxytocin, the bonding hormone that makes us feel nurtured and calm.

Here are some other ways you can encourage the release of oxytocin:

Massage

Acupuncture 

Singing

Listening to music

Loving kindness meditation, Buddhist Metta practice 

Yoga

Socializing

Qi gong

Watching an emotional movie

Generosity 

Hypnosis 

Meditation

Petting an animal

Hugging

Sex

Breastfeeding 

Eating

Making sure you have adequate levels of vitamin D3, magnesium and C.

For a more scientific explanation of oxytocin’s role in physical and mental health check out this article: https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.01529/full

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang 

Create an emotional inventory to retrain your brain.

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Have you ever tracked your steps with a Fitbit or other app? If so, you became aware of something you might have been taking for granted. In a similar way, the emotion or mood tracker I propose helps you increase your awareness and appreciation for the variety of emotions you can have in a day, even in an hour. The emotion tracker doesn’t need an app. You only need your mind to track your moods.

Why bother becoming hyper aware of each emotional ebb and flow? Because your built in negativity bias, which every human has to some degree, means you’re more likely to focus on and remember negative emotions. Only by consciously training your mind to acknowledge all your emotions, even the most fleeting ones, can you combat that negative neural wiring.

The more you get to know your emotional highs and lows, the less likely you will be to catastrophize about them or dwell on them to the exclusion of all your positive, happier moments.

If identifying more subtle emotions is difficult for you, please remember that for many people an absence of a strong emotion means they’re feeling calm. 

The practice:

At the end of the day, write a list of all the feelings you can remember. It can be helpful to do them sequentially throughout the day as it allows you to notice patterns. For example, you might find your mood is higher or lower at different times of the day, before or after eating, during particular activities, or in conversation with certain people.

Try the practice every day for one week. You might even see a difference after only one day, it’s that much of a cognitive shift.

This practice helps you become more aware of your inner emotional life and its natural vicissitudes.

If you have trouble noticing and naming emotions, you can use bodily sensations as clues to what you’re feeling. Butterflies in your stomach? Perhaps you’re feeling anxious or nervous about something. Tightness in your chest? Maybe you’re sad or angry.

If it’s too difficult to keep a running tally throughout the day, see how many feelings you can recall before you go to sleep.

It’s impossible to remember all your various emotions from a whole day; yet, you can remember enough of them to retrain your brain.

Once you have your list, celebrate the fact that you can feel so many different feelings.

Of course, the more sensitive and empathic you are, the more deeply you will feel everything.

Notice how all emotions come and go. Not one of them lasts.

Pay extra attention to the pleasant ones, as they are easy to gloss over, and recognize that the less desirable ones will soon vanish.

Be a comfort to yourself: Patient, kind, gentle and compassionate.

Treat yourself with tenderness and watch for moments of peace, calm and a sense of safety. They are there. They have always been there, even if you ignored them. Once you notice them they naturally begin to grow.

 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang 

So Hum Breath Meditation & Yoga Nidra Inspired Body Scan

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Here is a fairly short practice that starts with a silent So Hum breath meditation and seamlessly moves into a different kind of body scan. What I love about this is how it’s perfect before sleep, upon waking, or anytime during the day. The body scan is my riff on a classical yoga nidra body awareness practice. Here, the focus is on bilateral stimulation and drawing attention to essential obvious body parts. (For more on the benefits of bilateral brain stimulation read this: https://holisticdivorcecounseling.com/what-is-bilateral-stimulation-and-how-can-it-help-you/)

Do the so hum silent mantra with your tongue tip pressed lightly to the roof of the mouth where the soft and hard palate meet. Say SO silently on the inhales and HUM silently on the exhales. (For more on the meaning of the mantra and another way to practice it, check out: https://www.yogajournal.com/meditation/so-hum-contemplation-meditation/)

Next, breathe slowly and deeply while you gently draw your attention to the following parts of the body, one breath for each body part. If it’s easier, you can record yourself naming the body parts, but after one or two rounds you will know them.

Left pinky toe, right pinky toe

Left ball of the foot, right ball of the foot

Left back of the ankle, right back of the ankle

Left back of the knee, right back of the knee

Left inside the thigh, right inside of the thigh

Left lowest rib, right lowest rib 

Left arm pit, right arm pit 

Left hand space between the index and middle finger, right hand space between the index and middle finger

Left inside of the elbow, right inside of the elbow

Left shoulder blade, right shoulder blade

Back of the neck

Left ear lobe, right ear lobe

Left inside of the cheek, right inside of the cheek

Left lower eyelid, right lower eyelid

Third eye point

 

Focusing on less obvious parts of the body calms the mind. It’s an unexpected body scan that allows your prefrontal cortex to rest with an unthreatening, easy activity.

Doing this after the silent So Hum breath meditation is a short but powerfully grounding practice.

 

Copyright Nicole Urdang

How Good Are You At Predicting Your Life?

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While walking this morning, it suddenly occurred to me that all the best things in my life were unimaginable before they happened. I never envisioned moving to Buffalo (completely by choice, if you’re wondering), hosting one of the first radio call-in counseling shows, mothering two children, becoming a yogi, or any number of life experiences that have brought me great joy.

Recently, I read an obituary of a woman in her early 40s. She was famous for saying how you never know what is going to happen to you. The year she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer she married and went on to have two children. When she was diagnosed the last thing she would have imagined was exactly what happened.

Why not assume your divorce, or any other huge loss that shakes your foundation, will have wonderful aftereffects?  Just because you have not yet experienced them yet doesn’t mean they aren’t on the horizon.

Here’s a little exercise:

Think about all the things you have loved in your life. Did you predict them? Maybe you were able to foresee some, but I bet there are others that knocked your socks off.

When you allow life to work its magic, rather than having everything all set, you open up to many more possibilities for joy and fulfillment. You may suddenly be inspired to do something differently, to go someplace new, or to start a practice, like yoga or qi gong. You have no idea where those millisecond decisions will take you or whom you’ll meet.

If you are practicing any of the techniques from ASK AND IT IS GIVEN by Abraham Hicks, like creating a vision board, you may think this is at odds with what they encourage you to do. It isn’t. While you are busy constructing the life you want, the universe is sending all sorts of opportunities to help you manifest your desires. How many times have you looked back on something truly magnificent that happened to you only to realize its genesis was completely unexpected? In many cases, you got far more than your wildest dreams. (Just to be clear: I am only recommending the exercises from the second half of their book, the first half may speak to some and turn off others.)

A key ingredient to reaping life’s bounty is to pay attention to and be grateful for what you have this very moment. Practicing a rampage of appreciation not only enables you to squeeze more joy from almost anything; but, it can help shift your perspective when things feel overwhelming.

Of course, some achievements, like graduating from high school or college, are fairly straightforward; but, there are many others that arrive in surprising ways. Yet another reason to be open to life. Right this minute take a slow deep breath, open your arms wide, let your shoulder blades fall down your back and allow that beautiful heart chakra to open.  Millennia ago, the yogis knew about drawing energy into areas that could use some extra simulation. Paradoxically, if you have suffered a loss and find yourself feeling closed or tight in your chest, deliberately opening up by drawing breath and energy into that area can prepare you for some new delight you can’t yet imagine.


Copyright Nicole S. Urdang