Holistic Divorce Counseling

Archives for 2020

How To Have A Difficult Conversation

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No one enjoys the prospect of broaching a difficult topic with a relative, friend or colleague. It strikes anxiety into the most stalwart heart. But, there are times when it’s necessary if the relationship is to have a future.

Here are a few tools to help structure a difficult conversation. I recommend sharing them with the other person before embarking on your talk, just to make sure you can agree on some respectful ways to proceed.

Start with your intention to create an opportunity to truly listen to each other and move forward.

Agree to taking an Adult Time Out for 20 minutes, if either of you gets triggered and starts to feel tense or closed off. It takes your nervous system about that long to go back to its parasympathetic state from being triggered. Think of being triggered like a chemical flood. Everything rushes in furiously but it can take some time to mop up.

Before you meet each of you can take time to ask yourself: 

What’s my desired outcome?

Make it as concrete and behavioral as possible. Example:

“I want him to respect me.” That’s may be your ultimate goal, but it’s vague and a bit generalized. You want a way to gauge whether you are getting the respect you seek.

How would you know he respected you? How would his behavior change? Would he act appreciative? Would he be more considerate? Think of specific ways appreciation and consideration could be shown. Pick one or two and share them with the other person.

The clearer your expectations are and the more clearly you can convey them to the other person, the better it is.

Set an agenda with no more than three items.

Each of you can decide separately on 1-3 of the most important things you want to accomplish in your conversation.

Out of your combined list, pick one or two you can agree are most important now and stick to those. If you veer off into other issues your talk is likely to get emotional and less productive.

Approach the conversation with curiosity and open heartedness.

Go very slowly.

There is often a tendency with difficult material to want to rush through it, state your case, and unload all your grievances. As hard as it is to resist these urges, it will ultimately help if you exert some self control. That doesn’t mean repressing things that bother you, but it’s unrealistic to think you can resolve a host of issues in one conversation.

Listen carefully and use the following mirroring technique, reflecting back what you thought was said with its emotional subtext, to make sure you heard correctly.

Listen without interrupting. Repeat what you heard the person say in your own words showing you understood them. If possible, add the emotional feeling you heard underneath what they were saying.

Here’s an example:

Your partner says, “I feel hurt when you talk down to me.”

You say: “It sounds as if you feel I condescend to you and that hurts your feelings.”

If they say no, ask them to clarify so you can really understand.

If they say yes, ask if they would be willing to point out when you do that in the moment so you could be more aware and stop.

This may seem awkward at first, but it becomes quite natural with practice.

No one relishes having a difficult conversation, but if it goes well, the effort is worth it. Not only have you each been heard and respected, you can move forward with knowing you are both capable of creating a more caring, understanding, and flexible relationship.

Copyright Nicole Urdang

Six second technique to stop bruxism: grinding or clenching your teeth.

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This is based on the book: The 6 Second Quieting Reflex by Dr. Charles Stroebel.

It’s a super easy way to re-train your jaw so it automatically relaxes rather than tensing. The hard part is doing it constantly throughout your day until you have successfully changed your unconscious pattern.

It also works marvelously for any TMJ (temporomandibular joint) pain with their concurrent headaches, toothaches, tooth sensitivity, facial achiness and some migraines.

According to dentist’s reports, Covid has been an especially stressful and clenching time for many patients, which has resulted in more cracked teeth. (https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/08/well/live/dentists-tooth-teeth-cracks-fractures-coronavirus-stress-grinding.html)

This is a very simple technique you can use to relax your mind and body. Each time you do it should only take a few seconds. The more you repeat it the more efficiently it works. You are creating a new neural pathway that meets stress with relaxation.

It will also calm your nervous system as much stress is held in the face and jaw.

Imagine a breath coming into your body through the soles of your feet.

As you do this consciously allow your jaw to relax while still keeping your mouth closed.

Simultaneously picture something that brings a gentle smile to your face.

It’s amazing how powerful this simple technique can be. The more you practice it the stronger the link becomes between relaxing your jaw, activating the smile muscles of your face (which sends messages to your brain calming your nervous system), all while taking a rejuvenating deep breath.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

How COVID loneliness is different from non-COVID loneliness and how to work wisely with it.

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Loneliness is different from solitude. Solitude is something chosen while loneliness often feels foisted on you. The Covid pandemic has generated both solitude and loneliness for millions of people.

How is Covid loneliness different from non-Covid loneliness? 

If you’re an introvert, the social limitations Covid have imposed on your life might actually feel like a gift. A cosmic permission slip to engage less, as there are fewer social events to attend or decline. On the other hand, if you’re more extroverted, the same social limitations can feel like an emotional straight jacket.

Introverts, who traditionally re-energize alone, are not hermits. They still enjoy social contact, just less of it. So, whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, the social restrictions of Covid have had an effect on you.

If you’re an introvert and appreciate not having to say no to social invitations you can still feel somewhat bereft about the ones you would have liked to attend. In some ways, introverts have it even harder as their social circle is usually smaller and there are even fewer people with whom they want to interact. Extroverts typically have a wider circle and more people they can see, even with social distancing.

Monks and nuns who live in separate communities might actually have it the easiest. They are used to solitude, a certain amount of silence, and community. They know how to find refuge in prayer, contemplation and meditation. There’s a lesson in that. This could be a great time to enjoy the 55,000 free meditations on the Insight Timer app. See my curated list of some of my favorite teachers here: https://holisticdivorce.wordpress.com/category/insight-timer-meditations/

It’s also a good opportunity to study anything you’ve been interested in but put on the back burner for lack of time. Of course, I’m not suggesting that for people who are trying to entertain their children, monitor homework, homeschool, or anyone whose schedule is more than full. While they may miss certain social activities, they are probably not feeling particularly lonely.

Almost everyone I talk to is suddenly cleaning out their closets, attics and garages—-when they’re not vacuuming and dusting. But there’s only so much you can do to keep the loneliness at bay. When you feel sad and alone, you can scratch that itch by calling somebody, doing an extra errand, or anything that puts you near other humans; or, you can take the Buddhist approach and explore how loneliness really feels.

If that inner journey appeals to you, or you’re simply curious about it, try sitting down somewhere comfortable. Watch your thoughts. Notice them, name them. Just noticing and naming your thoughts activates your prefrontal cortex and calms your nervous system, so whatever loneliness you might feel will be less (complicated) by anxiety, anger, or something else emotionally challenging.

Notice your breath. Where do you feel it? Is it warm? Cool? Deep? Shallow?

Feel your body, whether you’re sitting or lying down. Feel it touch whatever surface supports it. 

Do a body scan. Starting at the crown of your head work your way slowly down through your whole body noticing how each area feels.

It’s truly amazing how sitting with an uncomfortable, or even disturbing, feeling can help it lessen or disappear.

Fighting feelings creates misery. Accepting even the most unpleasant thoughts, sensations and emotions is the path to freedom.

Loneliness is only bad if you tell yourself it is. You could choose to cultivate curiosity and try one of the above suggestions. Most of us have never gone through anything like this before and might find aspects of it intriguing.  To get you started, try asking yourself:

How have I coped and adapted? What have I learned? 

Even more amazingly, how have I benefited? 

How has this helped change the way I look at relationships, work, leisure time, sleep, nature, even my own breath?

Has it changed what’s important to you?

This could be an interesting time to keep an audio or written journal.

If you’re curious about audio journaling, a method I adore, check out this piece: https://holisticdivorce.wordpress.com/category/audio-journaling/

You have probably experienced loneliness before. With or without Covid, it’s likely you will experience it again. Finding out what supports you during lonely times makes them less daunting. 

Most importantly, we can all stand what we don’t like. (See this for more on sitting with discomfort: https://holisticdivorce.wordpress.com/2011/09/01/sitting-with-discomfort/)

Deciding to accept some lonely feelings during Covid only makes it easier when they inevitably show up.

As with anything difficult in life, practicing self compassion can soften the blow. (There’s a wonderful Ted talk by Kristen Neff on YouTube explaining how to talk to yourself compassionately.)

Kindness towards yourself is the balm for which your spirit yearns. Patience as you navigate this unfamiliar terrain, as well as allowing yourself to feel all your feelings and think all your thoughts, no matter what they are, helps immeasurably.

Treat yourself as lovingly as possible and remind yourself: 

I can stand what I don’t like.

The fact that I am still here proves I’m resilient.

Sometimes my only job is to take the next breath.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Using Bach’s Rescue Remedy during COVID & for all stress, tension and anxiety.

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I am not a medical doctor, nor am I advising anyone to take any medication without consulting their physician first.

One of the most amazing legacies of homeopathy is a series of flower essence remedies that were developed by Dr. Edward Bach in England during the 1930’s. Dr. Bach believed that our unbalanced emotions can often be the root of our immune system’s ability to either fight or succumb to pathogens. The flower essences were his answer to rebalancing emotional states.

His most famous one is Rescue Remedy, a combination of five different wildflower essences: rock rose, impatiens, clematis, star-of-Bethlehem, and cherry plum.

In all the years it has been used, it has no documented side effects or interactions with other medications. Its benefits may all be attributable to the placebo effect. However, whether it’s a placebo or not, it helps reduce stress and anxiety for many who use it.  (I don’t know about you, but I would love it if all medication worked through the placebo effect and had no bad side effects or drug interactions.)

It can be used either for acute or chronic conditions. In a crisis for shock or daily for ongoing anxiety. You can take it multiple times a day or only as needed. One day, you  will notice how quickly and effectively it helps and another day you will not notice any change. Interestingly, even if you don’t notice an obvious reduction in your stress there may be a lessening of your anxiety’s intensity. If you take a Xanax you will definitely feel less anxious and you will typically notice a difference within 20 minutes. If you use Rescue Remedy you are more likely to feel as if your anxiety is less intrusive and disturbing. It makes a difference but you never feel drugged. In addition, it can be an excellent sleep aid.

Rescue Remedy comes in a variety of delivery systems: tincture (drops), spray, sugar free pastilles, tiny capsules called pearls, gum, and cream (for topical use with cuts and scrapes where the person is emotionally thrown by the experience.) I am partial to the drops, which can be taken straight (dropped into the mouth and situated under the tongue so they immediately go into the bloodstream, or by putting a few drops in your water bottle). The spray is also handy, but more expensive. The pastilles (I only suggest the Black Currant flavor) are also a great option if you are avoiding alcohol or want something portable in a tin. As they melt–please resist the urge to chew them–they release the remedy. Each time you dissolve one you reinforce the idea that they are helping you feel more balanced and calmer, which creates its own Bach neural pathway in your brain. You can also create a neural pathway with the other delivery systems, but some people find it more reinforcing to be aware of the remedy as it slowly goes into their system.

Over the decades that I have used and recommended Bach’s Rescue Remedy I have noticed one thing: the more sensitive you are the more likely it will benefit you. That said, it acts differently on every body and differently every time you use it, as your chemistry, mood, environment, etc. are always changing.

In Covid times, I think it’s a really good idea to take Rescue Remedy once a day, if not more frequently. It can’t hurt you, it’s not very expensive, and it can really make a difference.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

The art of admitting fallibility.

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Whether we’re in the midst of a pandemic, political upheaval or merely the ups and downs of a normal day, there is something incredibly freeing about saying:

I was wrong.

I was mistaken.

I didn’t understand.

Every day, even if you’re not consciously paying attention, you are learning. Growing, learning, and being mistaken about things. What a gift! What a joy it is to be wrong. I know that may sound strange, but admitting you were mistaken paves the way to self compassion, openness and personal evolution.

Yet, it can be incredibly hard to admit being wrong. The ego hates it. The ego clings to a false sense of security and importance from thinking it is all knowing. The ego loves to think it’s king of the hill. One way it feels inflated is to be right about everything. Sadly, that limited worldview discourages change and growth.

In an earlier piece on the site I wrote about four words that will change your life (see: Thank you, I’m sorry.)  I still believe those words are relationship and life-changing; but, growth and relationship change is not always about apologizing for being wrong, even though that’s often a wonderful and useful thing to do as it allows you to recognize that there’s still plenty to learn. 

Admitting you were wrong is one of the most amazing ways to move away from an ego driven state to one motivated by open heartedness and curiosity.

Curiosity,  creativity and experimentation will almost always save your bacon. This philosophical triumvirate can turn even the most odious situation, whether external or internal, into something truly amazing. What’s incredible is how your worldview, and your self image, can expand and change.

What prevents this hubris-annihilating behavior? Fear. Fear of seeming weak, wrong, or diminished in some way. All misguided ideas that come from insecurity fueled by denigrating advertising and social media. 

Deep down, everyone feels insecure about some things, advertising and social media tap into those insecurities with unattainable images of how you and your life should be and encourage putting on a false front by pretending to be something you’re not. Admitting you’re wrong flies in the face of that; so, at first, it’s very difficult to do. Difficult, but not impossible.

There is so much joy in being emotionally and intellectually flexible. Admitting you can be wrong is one of the most freeing things on earth. It opens you up to new ways of thinking. It seems to me we need that now more than ever with deep societal issues of income/racial/gender inequality, climate change, and pandemics that descend in a nanosecond.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

The Myth of Being Stuck in a Rut: Your Inner Work is Not Always Conscious

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When the unconscious knows you are ready it will speak to you.

Rick Hanson

You are conscious every moment of your waking life, unless you’re in a coma or anesthetized. Because you’re aware of your analytical mind, it’s easy to think any psychological changes have to be achieved by conscious work. Thankfully, that is not always the case. On some level, especially with long standing issues, you unconsciously process material and evolve all the time—even in your dreams.

You know how you can stand a certain dynamic or situation 99 times, but the hundredth time puts you over the edge? You may not have consciously been aware of this build up, but it has been brewing under the surface. It reached a tipping point and suddenly you’re conscious of wanting a change. This explains how what appears to be a sudden or rash action is often born of years of unconscious processing. It’s not that you have been out of touch all that time, it’s that it hadn’t reached a critical point, yet; or, a point to which you were able to recognize it.

It can be very helpful to acknowledge this inner work as it allows you to know transformation is always happening, even when it looks as if you’re in limbo or stagnant. Just like the seed that sits underground all winter looking dormant, it’s harnessing all its energy to burst forth in the spring.

By definition, you are not aware of unconscious work, even though it’s occurring every moment of your life. That makes it easy to fall into the trap of thinking you’re not moving forward. Nothing could be further from the truth. You’re always evolving, even when you’re not consciously aware of the process.

If you are prone to self-downing, this lack of appreciation for unconscious processing can lead to more self criticism. Have a little faith in yourself. Understand that some of your most profound growth is going to happen from unconscious work as your experience and knowledge, including self knowledge, accrue and assimilate.

Have you ever had that eureka moment when you suddenly figured out something without consciously thinking about it? Your unconscious mind was working and chose to make the answer obvious at that exact moment.

Consider this deep, inner work as a compassionate companion ready to dole out kindness, patience and understanding in doses it thinks you can handle.

Along the same lines, your unconscious mind will not overwhelm you with more than you can handle. It only makes things consciously available when the time is right. Pushing that river doesn’t work. On the other hand, dream work, which allows entrée into previously unconscious material, can be a path to greater understanding of your desires, fears and motivations. All of which go into making better decisions based on who you are and what you want. (There’s a piece on dream journaling on this site.)

Grief is the poster child for this inner work. While much of it is processed consciously, spiritually, and physically, there is also a deeper acceptance steeping unconsciously. Pushing the river only frustrates you by encouraging unrealistic expectations that become a breeding ground for self-downing.

Trust you’re moving forward and constantly evolving. Allow yourself to grow at your own pace without forcing a specific time line or spiritual agenda. Taking these leaps of faith lead to greater self-appreciation, less perfectionism and more inner peace.

Copyright Nicole Urdang