Holistic Divorce Counseling

Archives for 2018

How To Make Someone’s Day Much Better In Less Than A Minute. (And, that someone could be you.)

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This is the easiest self-help thing you can do, even though, at first, it looks as if you’re doing it for someone else.

All you have to do is say something nice.

There’s only one catch:

You have to mean it.

Surely, in almost all your daily wanderings you can find something nice to say to almost everyone you meet.

Don’t lie and don’t lard it on. Just find something you can honestly compliment.

At their house? Even if you hate the decor, say how lovely the light looks as it comes through the window.

Seeing them at the grocery store? Comment on their cheerful demeanor, their smile, their attitude, their clothes, their children. You don’t have to rack your brain that hard to find something positive.

Barbara Fredrickson, in her book: Love 2.0, makes quite a compelling case for the beneficial effects of micro connections. It’s not too much of a stretch to suggest these are even more powerful when they involve a heartfelt compliment.

There are many studies that show how much better people feel after they are generous. You don’t have to write a check, volunteer in a soup kitchen, or knit scarves for the homeless (though those would also be appreciated). Just say a few words:

You look so vibrant today.

You always have such good energy.

I love that color on you.

You have such a way with children.

You’re such a kind soul.

You really make a difference.

The world is so much better with you in it.

I really appreciate your unique view on things.

You get the idea.

Don’t wait until the urge strikes, cultivate the habit. I promise you will be the ultimate beneficiary.

So, go ahead, make someone’s day better. It’s free, easy (once you let yourself relax and let go) and it will increase your joy.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Masquerading Emotions: What your feelings are really telling you.

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What are your emotions really telling you?

Clearly when you feel happy, elated or joyful your emotions are saying: “More please!” It doesn’t take a psychological sleuth to know what to do when you feel good; however, it does take a bit of digging to figure out what’s underneath the darker and more complex emotions.

When depression, anger, anxiety or grief show up they are messengers asking you to explore what you really want.

Grief, is a shape shifter. It can masquerade as anger, depression, anxiety, and guilt. (There is a piece on this site under the Depression heading called “Is your depression really grief” that points to how frequently people are misdiagnosed, or misdiagnose themselves, with depression when they’re really feeling grief stricken.)

While the following is a fairly oversimplified explanation, I think it can be a useful tool in exploring three major unpleasant emotions.

Often, anxiety covers depression, depression covers anger, and anger covers hurt. All four of those feelings are difficult emotions. They feel lousy, they usually involve unpleasant bodily sensations, and it’s normal to want to ditch them as fast as possible. Yet, if you push them out of your conscious awareness either with distractions, addictions, pharmaceuticals, alcohol, or other drugs, you will simply feel them more strongly in the future, or they will manifest in bodily conditions like backaches, migraines, tension headaches, IBS, palpitations, insomnia, etc.

As daunting as it may appear at first, it’s actually very liberating to plumb the depths of your initial feelings to see if there is something else underneath them. Since anger, anxiety, depression and guilt can be so disturbing, it’s a good idea to ameliorate their effect on you first.

Radical self-care practices, like yoga, qigong, walking, spending time in nature, music, self-compassion meditation, massage, acupuncture, healthy food, chocolate, inspirational videos and talks, and hugs can all soothe and mollify the harsh edges of these intense feelings.

After calming your body, mind and spirit as much as possible, you may want to do some deeper work to free yourself from the grip of the underlying emotion that is often at the root of your initial feeling.

While working with a therapist is one option, there is much you can accomplish on your own. EFT (emotional freedom technique), for example, provides a gentle, yet effective way to work with challenging feelings. You can find many helpful videos on YouTube. (Check out my piece on tapping for more information and specific suggestions.)

Another great path is through journaling. Whether written or audio, journaling can be be revealing, cathartic and calming, especially if you ask yourself some of the following questions:

Is my depression really grief?

Have I had a major change in life or a big loss recently?

Could my anger be hiding sadness and hurt feelings?

Is my anxiety covering a deeper sadness or depression?

Is there any chance anger underlies my depression?

Have my guilt feelings unconsciously created a lot of resentment?

These are very probing questions and it’s helpful to come back to them regularly.

Why do people unconsciously cover up deeper, often darker and scarier, emotions with other unpleasant feelings? It’s an unconscious choice to feel the lesser of two evils. For example, it’s easier to admit feeling angry than to get in touch with being hurt, sad, or grief stricken. Why? Because anger is empowering and feeds the ego. Just think of the Sea Witch at the end of the movie THE LITTLE MERMAID. As her anger grew she became enormous, finally imploding. Anger can be both seductive and destructive.

If depression feels so lousy and anger can be empowering, why unconsciously choose depression over anger? Because there is a gender divide in the world of feelings. You don’t consciously choose one over the other, you’ve been trained to do it. Men are allowed to express some measure of anger. Women are generally perceived as less threatening when they express depression, so they learn to stifle their anger, which then gets expressed as depression. They don’t prefer depression over anger, they’ve just been socialized to cope that way.

Whatever the origin of these tendencies, the good news is you can unearth your deeper feelings, work through them with patience, wisdom, and self compassion, and get to the other side.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Insomnia: Non-Drug Solutions

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Lately almost everyone I see in my practice complains of some insomnia. Here’s a list of everything I could conjure up to help you if you have trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep.

PLEASE CONSULT WITH YOUR MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL BEFORE USING THESE OR ANY OTHER REMEDIES, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE ON PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION, AS HERBS CAN INTERACT WITH PHARMACEUTICALS.

Herbs:

An IMPORTANT NOTE about herbs: They can easily interact with medication you might be taking, so please call your pharmacist to check if you can safely use them.

Lemon Balm tincture (I generally recommend tinctures over capsules as it makes it easy to adjust the dose). This is both a sleep aid (soporific) and an anti-ruminative to help you quell those repetitive thoughts.

To start, try half the recommended dose suggested on the bottle in a little water 15 minutes before bedtime or if you wake up during the night.

Passionflower tincture, same dosing as Lemon Balm, but this targets anxiety.

Valerianis a central nervous system depressant, just like Valium, Librium, Xanax, alcohol and ether. If using the tincture, read the directions and start with a lower dose. Sometimes, the label will say something like, “Take 5-50 drops.” Usually, one dropper full, about 25 drops, is a good place to start; but, if you weigh very little, or are sensitive start with less. Mix the herb with a little water.

Valerian is often added to stress reducing herbal combination remedies. Just be careful when taking it not to operate heavy machinery, as it may slow down your coordination and reaction time.

Homeopathy:

Calms Forte is a combination remedy that’s safe for all ages. One tablet 15 minutes before bedtime to start.

You may take up to two, but don’t take more or you will feel sleepy the next day.

Supplements:

Magnesium Citrate 100-200mg before bed. Too much magnesium can give you diarrhea, so start with a smaller dose. Also, an Epsom salt bath is incredibly relaxing as it has magnesium which gets into your body through your skin.

Podcasts:

“Sleep With Me” tries to both bore and slightly annoy you to sleep.

“Selected Shorts” is an assortment of wonderful short stories from most genres read by famous actors.

Yoga Nidra:

An ancient yogic meditation that you do lying on your back with earbuds, preferably, that systematically relaxes your body-mind. Here are some programs I like:

  • Free yoga nidra: Go to iTunes, go to Elsie’s Yoga, and scroll down until you hit episode No. 62, “Deep Relaxation.” This is her wonderful version of yoga nidra. The first 15 minutes she is chatting with a fan, so you can skip through that to the one-hour program that follows. I have been using this for years and highly recommend it.
  • Maalika Shay Devi Yoga Nidra on Amazon.
  • Richard Miller, PhD, is the major proponent of yoga nidra in America. In fact, he has successfully shown how regular use of yoga nidra calms posttraumatic stress symptoms in service people coming back from deployment. His CD is excellent. There’s a version of the longest track available for $1.95.
  • Swami Janakanada also has a great yoga nidra CD that is available on Amazon. It has a shorter practice, a seven-minute music interlude, and a longer, 45-minute practice. He is a true yogi with an Indian accent, and the CD is done in a serious but light-hearted way, which makes it different from almost everything else currently available.
  • Swami Jnaneshvara Bharati’s yoga nidra is very monotonic, which can be hypnotic.
  • Jennifer Piercy on the Insight Timer app.
  • John Siddique on the Insight Timer app.
  • Julie Murphy’s Night Night Yoga Nidra on the Insight Timer app for free and her yoga nidra courses that you have to be a member to access.

You may want to listen to a sample on Amazon, iTunes or the Insight Timer app and see if the person’s voice appeals to you. If not, try a different version.

Aromatherapy:

Lavender is alsoquite effective as a relaxant and pain reducer. Put a few drops of essential oil of lavender on a tissue and place it about six inches from your pillow. Lavender will put you to sleep in no time. Men should not use lavender too frequently as it is a hormone disrupter and can activate estrogen receptors. (Ditto for Tea Tree oil.)

Balsam Fir Needle, Pine, or Cedar are all scents that evoke the forest. The Japanese love these for their rejuvenating and calming properties.

Tea:

Chamomiletea brewed to a good strength for 3-5 minutes, is an excellent sleep inducer. If one tea bag isn’t doing the trick, try making a stronger brew with two. Tazo brand CALM tea is an especially delicious blend with camomile.

Rescue Remedy:

This is a Bach combination remedy made from the essences of five different flowers:

Rock Rose – for terror and panic
Impatiens – for irritation and impatience
Clematis – for inattentiveness and to counteract faintness
Star of Bethlehem – for shock
Cherry Plum – for irrational thoughts and lack of self control

Rescue Remedy is remarkable. It’s safe, gentle, but strong enough to take the edge off what you’re feeling, whether it’s anger, anxiety, panic, or shock.

If you are avoiding alcohol try the pastilles. They come in many different flavors flavors in a handy little tin.

Rescue remedy is also safe for children.

Rescue Sleep: This is Rescue Remedy with an extra component that quells repetitive thoughts. I don’t find it more effective than Rescue Remedy, but you might.

Hot Milk With Saffron and Nutmeg:

Heat up any milk you like, cow’s, almond, rice, chocolate, etc… and adda few grinds of nutmeg, if available, or a pinch of ground nutmeg

anda mixture of ground saffron with a tiny bit of sugar (You can grind about 1 TBSP of saffron threads with 1 tsp. sugar in a coffee grinder. Keep this in a small jar and use a pinch for each cup of milk.)

This really works to soothe your nervous system, relax you, and promote a great night’s sleep.

White Noise Machine: Many people love the calming, comforting and slightly distracting sound of a white noise machine.

Qigong:

There are many options, but here’s a link to one by Jeffrey Chand:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibJXZZvp344

Yoga:

Any forward bend, preferably seated, will relax your nervous system. Child’s pose is often a great place to start. Restorative practices are available on YouTube and Gaia.com. I love the ones called “Hurry Up and Slow Down” by Marla Waal. There are both 35 and 60 minute versions.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

You Are The Hero

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What is heroism? Courage, bravery and perseverance in the face of adversity. What personhas not had all three?

This is not another chapter in the pantheon of modern narcissism, but a truism. It’s not easy being human. From the littlest discomfort to the hugest existential despair, health challenge or relationship dissolution, it takes guts to get through what we dismissively call an average day.

Think of your own life. If you really look, I guarantee you will find many acts of heroism, whether related to physical, mental, relational, vocational, or emotional challenges. You are the hero in your own life. Why look up to other people for examples of courage, strength and perseverance when you can look to your own past for examples of all three?

Try this to help you shift your perspective: sit quietly. Take a few deep, diaphragmatic breaths. Look back on your years. Heck, look back on the past week. Whether you’re a teenager or an octogenarian there will be plenty of difficult, frustrating times (maybe even some that brought you to your knees thinking you couldn’t cope) but you got through them. You did something you didn’t want to do, had a hard conversation with a loved one, changed an unhelpful habit, tried something scary, faced an illness, or conquered an addiction. All were challenging and took grit. Remembering how you navigated rough seas helps you appreciate your strength.

If you’re struggling now remind yourself it’s just another hurdle. You don’t have to jump over it, you can crawl under it. It doesn’t really matter how you get to the other side just that you do.

These days, there’s an inherent perfectionism in much of what you read about resilience. It’s almost as if it’s not good enough to survive, you have to do it with grace and ease. That is simply ridiculous. At the end of the day what matters is you faced the challenge. You don’t get extra points for looking as if you sailed through it. The people who make it look easy (and, believe me, it isn’t easy for anyone) encourage other people’s unrealistic ideas of how they should manage hard times. In addition, these unrealistic ideas of how to navigate hardship can trigger feelings of inadequacy as they invariably lead you to compare your inside to their outside. It doesn’t matter how you did it, gracefully or kicking and screaming, you got through it. That’s heroism, resilience and true grit. You’ve done this before and you will undoubtedly do it again and again and again until you drop the body. The very fact that you still draw breath shows how strong you are.

Refuse to add another layer of shoulds and perfectionism to the already complex and difficult proposition we all face: being human. Refuse to think that if you don’t waltz through life’s challenges with ease and equanimity you are somehow not resilient, or failing because your attitude isn’t especially sunny. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you’re reading this, you’re resilient. The very fact you’re drawing breath means you have survived whatever hardships life has thrown your way.

Every person walking the earth is a hero as everyone has overcome adversity many times. Celebrate yourself today for all the times you faced life’sdifficulties.

If you find yourself having trouble remembering your strengths take this assessment:https://www.viacharacter.org/www

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

QiGong for Trauma, Stability, Strength, Flexibility and Emotional Balance

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It’s easy to think trauma is relatively rare; however, it’s far more commonplace than we like to believe. In fact, almost everybody has experienced some trauma in life. It may have been from a coach, bully, parent, sibling, war, assault, or accident, but the ubiquity of trauma is becoming more apparent as researchers and therapists plumb its depths.

When traumatized, your nervous system gets activated to fight, flight or freeze (sometimes numbness or dissociation). This is your body’s way of protecting you. In the moment it works beautifully, the problem is the effects can last and set up unconscious patterns of self-protection to keep you from experiencing that pain again.

This makes a lot of sense as most people want to avoid unpleasant or scary situations. While it can be incredibly helpful in the short run, it’s possible to overprotect oneself and end up living a constricted life.

Developing trust in your body is one aspect of healing that creates a sense of internal safety while keeping you open to new experiences. Qigong and yoga are two ancient practices that foster comfort and ease in a body that may feel unsafe, unlovable, or even scary, at times.

In an earlier piece on this site called The Holy Grail of Psychotherapy I spoke about the importance of feeling safe in one’s body and mind. Stephen Porges, the originator of the Triune Brain Theory, and a major researcher in trauma and its effects, recently said internal safety is the goal of trauma treatment.

While there are many ways to develop a sense of internal safety, I want to share one I’ve been experimenting with recently: qigong.

Qigong is an ancient Chinese mind-body exercise that predates tai chi, is very easy to learn, and is incredibly fluid. I have only been studying it for a short time, but have come to love its soothing effects on the nervous system, while it tones the body, deepens the breath, increases endurance, and calms the mind. In addition, many of the flowing poses utilize a spiral that crisscrosses back and forth over the body, synchronizing the left and right hemispheres, a very mentally balancing practice. (Walking with your arms swinging also syncs the hemispheres.)

Recently, as I was doing some beautiful, flowing qigong routines I was reminded of Rumi, the renowned Sufi poet and mystic (1207-1273), who started the whirling dervish dance tradition. This repetitive whirling is the epitome of moving meditation, often inducing trance states. While qigong does not involve repeating movements for such long periods, its calm, flowing, repetitive routines can be deeply meditative and centering.

I still love my yoga practice, but qigong gives me something yoga didn’t: flowing movements. Vinyasa yoga moves seamlessly from one pose to the next and once in a pose you typically hold it for five or more breaths. Qigong moves fluidly within and throughout the poses. Both offer calming, grounding practices and invigorating, energizing ones, and both pair breath with movement. They just do it differently.

Different stages of life call for different ways of working with the body. It can be a joy to listen to your body and try out new ways of experiencing it. Yoga and qigong help you feel connected to your physical self while calming the nervous system, so they give you time and space to pay attention to what feels good, safe, and healing.

For me, the fluidity of qigong’s seamless sequences feels very calming and gentle in my body, mind, emotions and spirit. I still do some yoga every day because it has been such a beautiful and supportive practice for so many years. Now, I’m adding some qigong as it nourishes me in a completely different, super loving way.

The key in choosing which physical practices will nurture and support you best is experimenting and listening to your body. Don’t just listen, but act on the knowledge your body provides. In my own experience as a swimmer I continued pushing myself even after swimming lost much of its luster for me. Ditto with hard yoga practices. Because old habits die hard, I pushed myself in my first 15+ years as a yogi, to achieve what I hoped was a beautiful, strong, flexible practice. Somehow, with qigong, and experience, I am able to truly relax into the sequences and let go of my lingering proclivity for perfection and achievement.

Just remember, each day your body will want something a bit different. With yoga and qigong you can even tailor the practice to accommodate injuries or conditions you might have. Just find a teacher who can carefully guide you through a therapeutic routine appropriate for your body or carefully experiment.

If you have experienced trauma take all body work slowly and pay close attention to how you feel. If something triggers you please stop and let yourself attend to what came up. If it’s really disturbing you might want to do some Tapping to re-regulate your nervous system. (See the Tapping post on this site for more information.) If your qigong feels as good as I hope it will, practice it daily as a conduit to a more compassionate, nurturing, safe relationship with yourself and a greater acceptance of your body, just as it is right now.

You may want to get started with some free YouTube videos. I recommend:

Yoqi (She has one for a Bad Mood Emergency that can really lift your spirits: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1tpHKvjewI)

Jeff Chand. All of his are excellent, especially ones for anxiety.

Lee Holden (Try this 6 minute routine for immediate balance and some emotional buoyancy: https://www.holdenqigong.com/recharge-routine-on-location-in-the-united-kingdom/)

Judy Young (only one video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwlvTcWR3Gs&t=35s)

Each of these excellent teachers focuses on the mind and emotions as well as the routines, and each has a website with more content. I have taken Lee Holden’s 30 Day Challenge and loved it. His Mindfulness Through Movement video is just sublime. The website also offers some great short and free Qi Break videos.

I also love the 15 minute qigong Mood Lifter video on yoqi.

Judy Young’s Eight Pieces of Brocade is deeply meditative and different.

Lee Holden is also offering a Tao Yin class with a free introductory lesson here: https://pages.holdenqigong.com/tao-yin-class-registration-thank-you?cf_uvid=df00d6c5a8344b0ee89f93a490ca6649

David-Dorian Ross also has some great qigong videos on YouTube.

Here’s a seated one for relieving back pain based on a Stanford University study:

https://holisticdivorce.wordpress.com/2018/07/07/qigong-for-trauma-stability-strength-flexibility-and-emotional-balance/

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

A Quick Practice to Help You Develop Compassion for Yourself and Others

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Sometimes, the easiest way for us to see where we are hard on ourselves is to notice how harshly we react to other people’s behavior. Here’s a quick way to shift your perspective while developing more self-compassion.

When someone behaves in a way you don’t like or understand try saying this to yourself:

Just like me…this person wants to feel safe, appreciated, calm, and free from suffering.

When someone does something mean or hurtful to you you might try thinking:

Just like me, this person can say the wrong thing.

Even in more extreme situations, when someone acts in a way your conscious mind thinks you never could or would, say:

Just like me, this person was pushed to the edge and acted in an extreme way.

All these responses foster greater compassion, connection and understanding of our common humanity and basic desires. You may still not like their behavior, but you can connect with everyone’s desire to be healthy, happy, and free from suffering, even when their way of achieving those things harshes your mellow.

This not only encourages connection, understanding and tolerance for others, it also breeds self-compassion.

A lovely adjunct to this practice is Buddhist maitri, or loving kindness, meditation. You can find a  Pema Chodron YouTube video to guide you through it here: https://youtu.be/PRhkrQFbERs

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang