Holistic Divorce Counseling

Archives for 2015

Ditch Your Assumptions and Create More Fulfilling Relationships

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“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.”
Isaac Asimov

“If others tell us something we make assumptions, and if they don’t tell us something we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don’t understand we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.”
Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

Considering how your mind was designed to process information every waking second, it comes as no surprise that it often corrupts incoming data with misinterpretations. Add to that your desire for closure, and you jump to conclusions all day long. The problem is, many of those conclusions are right. That’s a problem because you then go blithely on creating stories in your head and believing them. This causes an incredible amount of unseen damage, as each assumption begets a string of additional assumptions until you are in some nether world of your own making that might be galaxies away from the truth.

Since each head is its own universe, and you can never truly or fully know anyone else’s mind, your assumptions about other people’s motives are bound to be wrong a good deal of the time. The damage those assumptions make is unfathomable.

In addition, you are always projecting your own unacknowledged thoughts and feelings onto everyone in your orbit. What makes that especially pernicious is how easy it is to ascribe incorrect motives to other people’s behaviors. Then, act as if those imagined motives were true.

If you want better relationships check out your preconceived notions. Put them through the wringer of reality. Remind yourself you never really know what’s going inside someone else’s head no matter how long you have known them. There are always thoughts and feelings they haven’t shared with you. It’s sheer hubris to think you ever fully know another person. Contrary to what you might believe, this awareness will not make you cynical, but open. Open to looking at everyone, including those people you have known for ages, with new eyes. It will encourage you to ask more questions about their current thoughts and feelings rather than assuming their past thoughts and feelings are indicative of how they react now. This, in turn, will improve all your relationships as most people like to be asked what they think. It makes them feel valued, respected, and heard.

Asking is not easy; but, as Michael Ruiz said, it’s the antidote to assuming. It’s so darn difficult because the ego gets in the way. The ego loves when you make assumptions as it thinks it’s all knowing and powerful. By asking and checking out your assumptions, you give the ego a rest. It doesn’t like that, but it can learn to lessen its endless natterings and interference. That allows fresh data to enter your cranium where it can create new ways of looking at others, yourself, and the world.

It takes courage to change, and nothing has more pervasive ramifications than thinking differently; especially, when it comes to your assumptions.

As a yogi, I am naturally predisposed to noticing how yoga catalyzes change and growth. Here, it allows the incessant chatter to calm down a bit. How exactly does that work? Try doing a yoga posture and not paying attention to your body. You will fall down or hurt yourself. Yoga forces you to pay attention to something other than the fluctuations of your mind. In time, that becomes a habit. It also encourages patience with yourself as you navigate difficult postures. This, in turn, helps you extend more patience to others. Listening and asking questions takes far more patience than assuming you already know what someone is thinking and feeling.

Similarly, meditation helps open your mind as it makes you aware of the constant stream of ever-changing thoughts and feelings. If your mind works like that it stands to reason other people’s minds do, too. They are also constantly rethinking things and processing emotions. Meditation keeps you aware of your own mind’s proclivities as well as other people’s.

If you still want to assume things, why not just assume the best? Try it for one day and see if you don’t find life and all your interactions far more pleasant.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Getting Over the Shame of Divorce

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“We cannot grow when we are in shame, and we can’t use shame to change ourselves or others.”
― Brené Brown: I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame

While it’s easy to feel ashamed of many things in life, the process of divorce and its aftermath vie for a top spot on the list.

Triggers for feeling shame over a divorce include:

One-time friends who avoid you like the plague because they either think divorce is contagious or you will want to relieve them of their mate.

People who are suddenly wary of you. You are not to be trusted. You’re too needy, damaged, on the brink of sudden impoverishment, or a bad person (whatever that means).

Maybe you are unconsciously tapping into some unhappily coupled person’s misery, thereby making them feel threatened. What do threatened people do? Attack. But “nice” people don’t attack in any obvious way, they do it by avoidance and implication. They shun you like the plague and imply you’re defective, all to assuage their own (often barely conscious, and certainly unpalatable) dissatisfaction with their relationship or fear they will end up alone.

What creates that shame? Both internal and external messages, like:

It’s easy to think you “failed,” since people will actually ask you questions like: “How do you feel about your marriage failing?”

And the ever popular: “In retrospect, do you think you made a mistake getting divorced?”

In addition, there is the inner cacophony of self-doubt and self-downing that plagues all but the most resolute divorcing and divorced souls.

A more subtle aspect of the aftermath of divorce is heightened self-consciousness, similar to what you may have felt in adolescence.

Naturally, thinking you are a failure, maker of big mistakes, unworthy of people’s attention, and out-of-step with most adults can lead to feeling shame.

But, what is there to be ashamed of? What you did took courage. No one gets divorced unless their relationship has ceased to work. Staying in an untenable, unhappy, soul-stultifying relationship is clearly the sadder choice. It may appear easier in the short run, but takes its toll in the long run.

If you are plagued by feelings of shame and critical internal messages, cognitive behavior therapy can help.

Let’s look at some possible thoughts that could create disturbing feelings, including shame:

I failed, therefore I am a failure.

People will know I failed and think less of me.

People will see I am alone and think something’s wrong with me.

People will think I am unlovable or defective.

That will prove I am deficient, less good, less worthy of happiness, and deserving their pity, criticism, and condescension.

The only thing to do with unhelpful thoughts is to challenge them until they lose their power to wound and stifle you.

You might choose to think:

I did not fail. I succeeded in taking necessary steps to free myself from a relationship that no longer served me, or allowed me to grow into the person I want to be.

People may think less of me. What a great opportunity to learn to care more about what I think than their opinion of me.

How can I possibly know what anyone else is thinking?  They may actually be jealous of my new-found freedom.

The only thing my divorce proves is that I am no longer married to that person. It says absolutely nothing else about me. Furthermore, I am clearly efficient in taking care of business when I have to, whether that was initiating the split or picking myself up after it.

If people pity, criticize, or condescend to me that is a reflection of where they are. All three are good ways for them to distance themselves from whatever my divorce catalyzes in them. Once again, it’s not about me.

How does feeling ashamed help me? Why not cultivate thoughts of victory, empowerment, self-sufficiency, independence, flexibility, openness to new experiences, and unconditional self-acceptance? At least, those will make me feel optimistic, bouyant, and at peace.

In addition, divorce can be a tripwire triggering old feelings of shame from childhood. If that’s true for you, please talk to a therapist or counselor. Divorce is very good at re-awakening feelings of abandonment and their attendant notions of not deserving happiness. Working through those issues to a place where you can feel safe and whole feels a boat load better than wallowing in shame. Luckily, you get to choose what you want to think and how much energy you put into remaking your life. Acknowledge how difficult and disturbing it is to deal with the fall-out from divorce; especially, if it engenders feelings of shame or reactivates old thoughts of unworthiness. The good news is you can take that irritating grain of sand from your divorce and turn it into a luminescent pearl of courage and resilience.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Overcome Victimization and Become More Resilient

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Many therapists say you have to let go of the victim role to heal more fully. While that is definitely a good goal, it is also important to understand how you were victimized. Why? Because your path to wholeness depends, in part, on cultivating compassion for that child, teen, or adult who was mistreated, neglected, or abused.

There is a crucial difference between identifying as a victim or someone who was victimized. Seeing yourself as a victim will block your evolution. Yet, it is important to acknowledge how you were taken advantage of when you were either powerless to fight back, manipulated so well you thought you had no recourse, or not ready to take the necessary steps to leave.

Current research finds betrayal by a family member can lead to deep post-traumatic stress. As brutal as war and other atrocities can be, they are not personal. Even though family abuse is not personal in that it is all about the abuser’s issues, it feels personal. You did not engender the abuse, but its fall-out definitely effected you. Physical and emotional abuse are such violent acts that the mind and ego can’t really make sense of them; especially, if they happened in childhood.

Though there are many books on dealing with toxic parents or relatives, few talk about the way abuse can continue into adulthood. The family bond is so strong that separating yourself can feel like an emotional amputation. Typically, it’s only done when the pain is so great it feels like a matter of life or death.

Ronald Fairbairn, a Scottish psychiatrist of the mid 20th century, wrote on Object Relations Theory trying to make sense of how a child reacts to abuse. Part of his hypothesis was that the child develops what he called the Moral Defense when faced with upsetting, abusive, or neglectful parenting. According to Fairbairn, even a young child understands that he can’t take care of himself. He needs his parents to survive. When they act in abusive ways, even when their behavior is not necessarily directed at him, like yelling at each other, he thinks there can’e be anything wrong with the people I need to care for me, so there must be something wrong with me. This is an unconscious thought, and a very strong concept that has far reaching effects.

In addition, Fairbairn talked about the hopeful child and the wounded child. When the parents behave kindly, even if it is seldom, the child thinks (usually unconsciously): “Everything will be alright now,” and becomes hopeful. When the parent is abusive or neglectful, the child thinks: “Oh, no, everything is horrible and I can’t stand it,” which creates a wounded feeling. Typically, that internal switching, from hopeful to wounded and back again, persists throughout childhood. The wounded child is unaware of the hopeful child and the hopeful child is unaware of the wounded child. Emotionally, he feels like a ping-pong ball. What keeps this pattern going is something Pierre Janet called the splitting defense. This enables each part to feel completely split from the other. One goal of therapy is to help these two very disparate parts dovetail. That way, when the adult feels wounded he understands that it’s temporary. Right around the corner is something to enjoy. Conversely, when he feels overly optimistic, he knows to temper that thought (which can lead to impetuous behavior) with a dose of realism. In adults, this splitting is seen in black and white, or all or none, thinking. It’s pernicious effects are more obvious when the person becomes flooded with a sense of despair because they can’t see any other possibility. (Internal Family Systems therapy is incredibly helpful at being gentle, deep, and supportive with any trauma, and helping this disparate parts weave together.)

The ego wants to maintain a sense of control, even when there was no way a child or teen could have had control at the time of the abuse. Sometimes, this results in the adult saying things like, “I chose to keep it going. I could have ended it. I liked it. It was my fault. I was too seductive. It wasn’t so bad.” In the short run, all of these ways of reframing the past serve to retroactively make the person feel stronger by implying he had a choice. In the long run, they add to the pain, by blaming the person who was victimized. Even if it feels empowering on some level, it’s a hollow victory. There is still that wounded little child or teen who now feels doubly abandoned. First by the perpetrator and then by self-blame and a lack of self-compassion.

What can be done to help shed the view of yourself as a victim while still acknowledging having been victimized? A combination of yoga and good therapy goes a long way towards changing the relationship you have with yourself, and making it safe to be in your body-mind. Different people respond differently to various types of therapy. Even the same person at different times of his life can respond differently to different approaches. I am partial to a combination of Internal Family Systems therapy, Rational-Emotive Behavior therapy, psychodynamic psychotherapy, mindfulness, breath work, and Yoga Nidra (you can read my short article on Yoga Nidra here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/yoga-nidra-for-relaxation-insomnia-and-posttraumatic-stress-0202154).

It is also crucial to give grief its due. Understand that you are grief stricken. Your grief can come unbidden any time, though it will lessen over the years, it will never fully leave you. Think of it as another way you can feel compassion for that little child or teen who endured mistreatment, neglect, or abuse. It’s also important to remember that grief is a shape-shifter. It can manifest as sadness, depression, anxiety, guilt, anger, or feelings of worthlessness. So, if one of those difficult emotions arises, be extra gentle with yourself and don’t assume you are necessarily feeling anger, per se, but grief that’s appearing as anger. That’s an important distinction as it helps you normalize your feelings. Everyone feels grief. It’s a natural reaction to loss; and, all trauma involves loss. It could be the loss of boundaries, loss of control over what happened to your body, loss of feeling safe, loss of trust, etc. Allowing yourself to grieve those losses is crucial to feeling more in control of your present and future. It even helps you leave the detritus of the past behind and move towards freedom from victimhood. Yes, you were victimized, but you are not a victim.

How you identify yourself sets the stage for your recovery. Picturing yourself as capable, strong, creative, self-compassionate, curious, intrepid, open to what the Buddha called the 10,000 joys and sorrows, and focused on this moment, will all accrue to feeling more and more resilient.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Breathing: 10 Breaths to Create Joy

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Humans needed to survive in harsh conditions since our earliest cave dwelling days. As a result, our brains got very good at sensing danger. If we had a traumatic event, or even a close call, we had to learn from one experience to avoid those situations and any that looked like them in the future. A great survival skill, not so great for living anxiety free day to day. To counteract that natural predisposition and create new neural pathways of joy, try the following: Take 10 slow breaths whenever you are happy.

Contentment also counts as happiness, at least, according to the Buddha. Following his example, you don’t have to wait until you are completely blissed-out, everyday little joys are ripe for reinforcement. When you eat that first strawberry of the season, laugh out loud while reading a great book, notice the birds singing, watch children play, hear your favorite song, try something new and are surprised at how much you like it, get kissed or touched by a loved one, figure something out that eluded you, find yourself happy for no reason, or anything else that floats your boat, STOP and take 10 slow breaths while focusing on your happy feelings. You might even see if you can notice where in your body you sense them and breath into those spaces. For the fullest positive effect cultivate a feeling of gratitude.

Our brains are wired to remember dangerous, bad, or threatening situations. It’s called the negativity bias. That ship has sailed, it’s simply how we’re designed. Since neurons that fire together wire together, you can create new neural pathways through this practice. Not only will you feel better in the process, your amped up joy will strengthen your resistance to stress.

If you want a more physically oriented practice that helps you access good feelings when you are feeling depleted or down, try this yogic Breath of Joy:

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Gaining A Foothold Amid Chaos

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“Pain is not punishment, pleasure is not a reward. Both are just natural occurrences. Kindness, kindness, kindness.”

Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche to a bride and groom at their wedding.

Sometimes, life can feel like a whirlpool and you are being dragged into the vortex of hell. Hell might be dissonance in a relationship, financial or physical woes, or lack of purpose. Intense anxiety comes from thinking you can’t handle it and catastrophizing about how much worse things will get.

At those moments, the last thing you want is to delve deeper, or even allow the downward spiraling energy to carry you along, but that is exactly where freedom and relief lie. For what is at the end of any plunge but solid ground?

Allowing yourself to surrender to the inevitable, whether it be the dissolution of a relationship, facing an illness, dealing with debt, or acknowledging a sense of purposelessness, all have the capacity to jolt you into a new way of being with yourself and the world.

Unfortunately, the natural tendency is to fight tooth and nail to avoid an emotionally chaotic landslide. But fighting reality only creates more pain, anxiety, depression, anger, guilt, and feelings of worthlessness.

Instinctively, humans are designed to avoid what is fearful. Since cave dwelling times that helped us survive and evolve. Yet, even thousands of years ago, the Buddha realized running from reality (unless it was from a hungry tiger) only deepened fear. While the Buddha was not privy to current research on neurobiology, he was ahead of his time.  We now know neurons that fire together wire together. Whatever you habitually do gets stronger until it becomes almost automatic. Thus, anxiety begets more anxiety until it can feel like living in a roiling sea of dread.

At first glance, it may seem that running away from what scares you, whether through an addiction or with other, less obviously harmful, distractions keeps the demons at bay, but avoidance only makes your fears grow until you can no longer deny them. The greatest kindness you can show yourself is letting go into the free fall of life knowing you will land on solid ground. The terra firma of your own center.

While it may go against your grain to face your fears, this habit develops courage, perseverence, and self-discipline, the very trio that help you navigate life more easily.

One way to strengthen your ability to sit with reality is to start small.

First, give yourself a cosmic permission slip to feel whatever is true for you now, and to feel it in your body, not just cognitively or emotionally.

Notice when you are disappointed. It could be your plans were cancelled, you sprained your ankle, or the grocery store was out of your favorite treat. Watch your reactions. Which parts of your body have tensed up? What are you thinking? Are you angry? Do you suddenly feel defeated? Are you projecting a bleak future?

Write them all down. Starting with your body, describe your physical feelings as best as you can. Then, breathe into the spaces that feel tight and see how they change. Next, look at your thoughts. Are they helpful? Are they true? What would  you prefer to think? Finally, go inside and feel your feelings. Where did they come from? The two most likely places are your thoughts and your past experiences. What happened in your childhood when your desires were thwarted? Remind yourself, you are no longer that little child. You have amassed a slew of coping mechanisms, new ways of thinking, and behavioral interventions (like talking a walk, breath work, listening to music, having tea, calling a friend, etc.), any of which can be retrieved when you feel out of kilter.

Do you have a history of trauma? If so, even the slightest current challenge can trigger a cascade of negative bodily reactions and unwelcome emotions. For example, someone canceling a plan because they are ill can bring you back to other times when you felt abandoned. This is an unconscious process that can flood your system with a variety of sensations, thoughts, and feelings. The good news is accepting what is true for you now and gently moving towards it shows you you can handle more than you thought. That said, if you were abused it is important to get some help. You do not need to navigate those turbulent waters alone.

NOTE:

Goethe once said, “Words are a raft when the mind is at sea.”

If you don’t already keep a journal, please get one and write in it. Many mind-body practitioners, including Dr. John Sarno and Dr. David Hanscom, attest to the value of journaling for treating a variety of psychogenic and auto-immune issues. A key ingredient here is to write out all your thoughts and feelings, no self-censorship. Psychologically, writing down whatever you are thinking and feeling cleanses it from your cranium.

University of Texas at Austin psychologist and researcher James Pennebaker contends that regular journaling strengthens immune cells, called T-lymphocytes. Other research indicates that journaling decreases the symptoms of asthma and rheumatoid arthritis. Pennebaker believes writing about stressful events helps you come to terms with them, thus reducing their impact on your physical health.

The act of writing accesses your rational, analytical left brain. This frees your right brain to create, intuit, and feel.

Writing also helps you:

Clarify your thoughts and feelings.

Gain self-knowledge; especially regarding people and situations that feel unhelpful, or even toxic, to you.

Purge stress.

Release the emotional intensity from feeling angry, grief-stricken, or overwhelmed.

Become more mindful and present.

Because writing uses both sides of the brain it is an excellent way to solve problems and figure out creative ways to deal with difficult people. You might even find your perspective shifting as you write.

Keeping a journal allows you to track patterns and growth over time. One of the greatest benefits is how your own notes remind you of all you have already handled in your life. When current circumstances appear insurmountable, you can look back on previous challenges and see how you coped.

You might also like to keep an audio journal. Check out: Recording and Listening on this website for ways to embark on that journey.

Another wonderful, free resource is an app called the meditation timer. It has hundreds of guided meditations to help you discover the joys of being fully in the moment.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang