Holistic Divorce Counseling

Archives for 2014

Boredom: Does It Really Exist?

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Boredom is a way of not paying attention.

Sharon Salzberg

Merriam-Webster’s definition of boredom: The state of being weary and restless through lack of interest.

“One receives as reward for much ennui, despondency, boredom–such as a solitude without friends, books, duties, passions must bring with it–those quarter-hours of profoundest contemplation within oneself and nature. He who completely entrenches himself against boredom also entrenches himself against himself: he will never get to drink the strongest refreshing draught from his own innermost fountain.”

Friedrich Nietzsche

When was the last time you were bored? Were you really bored, or was that what you called your dissatisfied state? Can life be boring? Especially in this day and age, with internet access to knowledge about everything on earth: all music, movies, TV shows, art, university lectures, language programs, social networking, and video games. Is it possible to be bored? I don’t think so.

The next time you think you are bored, ask yourself if that is truly your state of mind, or are you feeling something else? I believe boredom is a code word for when we feel anxious, angry, worthless, lonely, depressed, or grief-stricken, and we don’t want to acknowledge those feelings. Saying you are bored is a subtler way of repressing unwanted thoughts and feelings.

As Nietzsche said, eschew boredom and you miss an amazing opportunity to connect with your innermost self. Boredom is not the enemy to be shunned at all costs, despite our society’s manic agenda to fill every minute with content of one sort or another. It can be a conduit to self-knowledge. Yes, I know it’s not fun to get in touch with unpleasant or disturbing feelings. However, if you avoid them they accrue and wreck havoc in all sorts of unconscious ways, like physical ailments, suddenly lashing out at people, nightmares, addictions, lack of motivation, depression, etc.

On the other hand, you can tap into feeling bored as a doorway into your deepest emotions.For example, notice when you typically get bored.

Are you alone?

With people?

With certain people?

Engaged in specific types of activities?

Just having an unscripted moment?

Perhaps, it’s simply a matter of declaring your independence and assertively taking more time to do what you want, rather than pleasing family and friends. Maybe you feel dissatisfied with the same job or hobby and want a change.If neither of those is true, it might be you just feel something unpleasant and call it boredom. If you think that could be what’s going on, sit down, and ask yourself:

What am I really feeling? If nothing immediately comes up, be patient and ask yourself again.

If that still elicits nothing, ask yourself:

What is going on in my life now?

Your primary relationships and work are good places to start. How do you feel when you are with your family, friends, co-workers? Are you fully engaged? Are you daydreaming about other options? Has something radically changed in your life that you might be reacting to with numbness? A death, illness, divorce, empty nest, job loss, etc? Numbness is triggered by our nervous system when we feel threatened or extremely stressed. Numbness can feel a lot like boredom, and vice-versa.

Just sit with whatever feelings show up. Notice where they are in your body and describe those physical feelings with words. Be curious and take the time to describe your sensations as accurately as possible. This can be difficult at first, and requires some patience. (Are you sensing some tension in your back? Tingling in your hands? Heat or cold anywhere? Heaviness in your limbs? Tightness in your shoulders or neck?) Describing the actual physical feelings you are experiencing can have a very grounding effect. Once you get in touch with those physical sensations, write down whatever thoughts and emotions accompany them. It’s great to keep a journal for this; or describe them audibly into a recorder app. (See the Recording and Listening article on this site for more ideas on audio journaling.)

If you think your boredom is born of a sense of meaninglessness, ask yourself what you find meaningful. Are you living in accordance with your values? If you haven’t read it yet, read Viktor Frankl’s book: “Man’s Search For Meaning.”

Don’t feel like plumbing your depths in those ways? Trymindfulness. Pay attention to whatever is going on right now internally, externally, or both. Just embrace whatever comes up, accepting it with as much grace and equanimity as possible. No self-rating allowed, especially self-criticism.

Experiment with switching your activity every hour. If you can’t do that, try every 90 minutes. You will be far more productive and energized.

Conversely, continuous activity, though it is socially sanctioned and appealing in its addictiveness, is not the answer as it simply masks the real issues and leaves you depleted and can compromise your immune system.

Last but not least, if you do find yourself frequently feeling bored resist the urge to put yourself down for it. That only compounds the felony and will make you feel lower than a snake’s wiggle. Accept that this is one of your coping mechanisms and a way to externalize your internal issues. It’s OK. There’s no right way to live, just your way, and that is evolving every minute. If you are not ready to take a sychological depth dive, at least allow yourself the luxury of being where you are. It’s a beautiful gift, and always available if you give yourself a cosmic permission slip.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Effects of Abandonment on Adult Relationships: Ambivalence and Attachment Issues

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There must be something in the human brain that makes it enjoy playing with different, often opposite, ideas simultaneously. Ambivalence is incredibly helpful when we are brainstorming or problem-solving, less so when assessing the value of relationships. Fortunately, this natural proclivity to complicate our lives is beneficial. Unfortunately, it can also be time consuming and draining.

When it comes to relationships, if you have a history of abandonment in childhood (not only obvious neglect or abuse, but emotional unavailability, or over-controlling parents) you might feel predisposed to staying in a relationship that no longer works for you; or, embark on one unlikely to satisfy your emotional desires. (I know some might call those needs, but I subscribe to the idea you have only a handful of true needs and the rest of your longings are actually desires. Why? Because by calling wishes needs you ratchet up how crucial something is to you. If you think you desire something and you don’t get it you are disappointed. If you think you need something and don’t get it you can feel devastated.)

Looking back on your childhood, if you regularly experienced any form of abandonment, you are most likely seeking what you didn’t get from your parents: consistency, reliability, and attention. It can be difficult to see over-controlling parents as abandoning, but they are. Their invalidating behavior implied you were not able to make decisions for yourself, thereby leading you to believe you needed them for everything and couldn’t cope. This is just as damaging as neglect in that both sets of parenting behaviors create a sense of insecurity and anxiety.

In addition, over-controlling parents are often co-dependent and live their lives vicariously through their child. This puts enormous pressure on the child, as all children are born with the desire to please as a way of insuring their health and safety. If this type of parenting is successful for the needy parent, the child ends up either achieving what the parent pushes, or rebelling against it. Either way, as an adult, that person is often unaware of what he or she really wants. This encourages ambivalence and difficulty making decisions.

Since no relationship is perfect, it is natural to have moments when you question why you are with someone and other times when they seem like the sun, moon, and stars. Those are normal fluctuations of intimacy, the waxing and waning of interest in any long-term relationship. Natural ups and downs are nothing to be concerned about, as everyone has them. However, if the legacy of your childhood has you continually swinging from one extreme to the other, you might want to pay attention.

If you had controlling parents it is easy to see how you might equate controlling behaviors with love and care. Yet, another part of you, a more independent part, could crave autonomy. That part might easily rebel against anyone’s attempts to mold or control you. In general, while people do like a bit of nurturing from their partners, they do not want so much that it seems oppressive or stifling. If you grew up in a home with over-controlling parents you might feel as if your approach towards adult love relationships teeters from one end of the spectrum (loving the attention) to the other (resisting anything that even remotely looks like control). Naturally, this back and forth can feel like ambivalence. If you experience that in your relationship you may want to seek out a qualified therapist, as childhood issues are difficult to work out on one’s own.

To make things even more complicated, if you grew up with controlling parents you may have lived with anxiety about not pleasing them, or feeling as if they would not love you should you not follow their plans. This also makes adult relationships challenging, as you can be extremely sensitive to the slightest hint of a loved one’s rejection or disappointment. Once again, playing to your audience and not being true to your own wishes and desires.

Everyone has issues and triggers, and there’s some co-dependency in almost all relationships. The only time to be concerned is if they are getting in the way of your goals, whether at work, with your health, finances, social or love life.

What looks like ambivalence may really be fueled by deep-seated fears of abandonment. The ego loves to feel as if it’s running the show and can be very sneaky in its methods. It also likes black and white answers. For instance, it may seem as if you are choosing to end a relationship when, in fact, the ego just wants you to feel as if you are in the driver’s seat. You leave before someone someone might leave you. Yet another reason why it is so important to examine your history in relationships and your current motivation to stay or go.

Ambivalence is pretty easy to assess; but, how do you know if you have abandonment issues?
Reflect back on your childhood:

Were you cared for in predictable, loving ways?

Were your physical needs attended to in a timely manner?

Were your ways of being, your thoughts and feelings, respected and valued?

Were you heard?

Were you seen?

Did you feel as if your parents reliably had your back?

Were you encouraged to pursue your interests?

Were your successes celebrated?

Did you feel loved, cherished?

Of course, not even the best parents are always loving, aware of their child’s needs and desires, and attentive. It is what happened to you and what you felt most of the time that is important, as that is what shapes your view of others. Your childhood experiences with people, whether are they are trustworthy, for example, has direct bearing on what kinds of adult relationships your will forge.

Luckily, none of this is set in stone. With therapy it is possible to overcome many of the influences of the past. Internal Family Systems therapy, Object Relations Therapy, psychodynamic psychotherapy, Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy, yoga, meditation, yoga nidra, and many of the body oriented therapies can all be extremely helpful in creating the relationship with yourself you wish you had had with your parents. As you find within what you have been seeking outside yourself you become more and more capable of the true depth and intimacy you seek in relationships. It may be enough to create it with yourself. For many who have felt abandoned as children, it feels quite nourishing to connect to people platonically and/or romantically. To others, it feels most soothing and fulfilling to seek union with a higher power. Whatever your path, it takes great courage to explore your inner landscape and commit to personal evolution and self-compassion.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Bullying and Passive-Aggressive Behavior: How To Deal With It

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Passive-aggressive behavior is a defense mechanism that allows people who aren’t comfortable being openly aggressive to get what they want under the guise of still trying to please others. They want their way, but they also want everyone to still like them.
Urban Dictionary


Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, sarcasm, hostile jokes, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.
Wikipedia


…of or relating to a personality that harbours aggressive emotions while behaving in a calm or detached manner.
Dictionary.com


Passive aggression is defined as a deliberate and masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger (Long, Long & Whitson, 2008)




Bullying is finally getting the attention it deserves. Who hasn’t heard of the damning texts, Facebook taunts, punching, pinching, mean practical “jokes,” verbal assaults, sarcasm, cruel messages written on school lockers, and even pernicious gossip that abound in schools? Bullying also occurs in adult relationships. At work, with couples, the elderly, and even between parents and children. The difference is it is usually less blatant, and takes the form of more subtle, but no less destructive, passive-aggressive behavior.


By its very definition, passive-aggressive behavior is constructed in such a manipulative way that it leaves an aggressive residue without incurring the perpetrator any obvious negative feedback. That’s the beauty of it. The whole set up insures the person behaving passive-aggressively is beyond criticism. After all, who can blame someone for “forgetting” to get your insulin, everyone forgets things sometimes, don’t they? And, who can blame someone for being late when life intrudes? Only the most insensitive, rigid person would be critical of that. What about someone who insults you and says, “Can’t you take a joke?”


Passive-aggressive behavior creates a double bind for the recipient, and that is where its real power lies. If the target acts angry, or says something, she is suddenly the one with the problem. “I know I promised, but why are you getting so angry with me? I couldn’t help forgetting what time the pharmacy closes.” Suddenly you are the one who is angry or too sensitive. (Who can be too sensitive? You are simply as sensitive as you are.) This insidious way of blaming the victim, is also an example of projection, because the passive-aggresive person is actually angry, and probably highly sensitive, too, but incapable of owning his feelings.


Another hallmark of this behavior is the disconnect between the person’s words and behaviors. They say they want to help you, but don’t follow-up. When you press them for a reason, they will always have a logical, reasonable excuse. If this happens infrequently, it is not a problem. If it happens all the time, it creates a lack of trust and precludes any deeper intimacy.


Passive-aggressive behavior is an excellent strategy for goading someone into actually feeling angry or upset, as the recipient often feels trapped into either responding in an understanding, patient way (which may not reflect their true feelings), or reacting with disappointment, frustration, or anger. Suddenly, they are the one with the problem. So, passive-aggressive behavior is incredibly manipulative, and deflects the perpetrator’s anger onto someone else. It may not be as blatant as other forms of bullying, but it is still bullying.


The person who uses passive-aggressive behavior gets a rush of power from feeling in control. They have trouble being assertive because being assertive requires knowing what you want and asking for it in a non-confrontational way. Since they habitually deny their anger or resentment, they are not in touch enough to be assertive; hence, the use of passive-aggressive strategies.


While you may want to understand how this behavior developed (probably in childhood from an insecure attachment to a primary care-giver), it is best to keep the focus on you. Are you interested in staying with this person even if he never stops behaving this way? If so, there are ways to do this, but the behaviors may continue to annoy you. Even though your partner may not be an alcoholic, many of the methods suggested for dealing with an alcoholic in 12-Step groups, like Al-Anon, can be very helpful. Just bear in mind that employing these techniques, will probably not change the other person’s behavior. So, it is wise to ask yourself if this is the future you want.


Since passive-aggressive behavior is rampant in our society, you are bound to encounter it at work, at the gym, in your family, with romantic partners, etc. Here are a few suggestions for how to deal with it while feeling more in control of your reactions:
Act unfazed, even blasé.


Don’t react with anger. If you do, things will most likely escalate with you feeling more frustrated, hopeless, and furious.


Say something like, “I am disappointed that you forgot my 40th birthday.” Try for a calm, neutral tone. After all, this person has behaved this way ever since you met, so it’s really no surprise he disappointed you again.


Find humor in their attempts to annoy you. That’s genuine humor, and only if you can really access it. Reacting with sarcasm will only up the emotional ante. This type of humor is actually another aspect of compassion. You can see the inner child in their behavior struggling for a way to express himself and having only a few tools in his toolbox.


Be extra friendly, nice, and calm, just the way you would with a psychiatric patient. But resist using a condescending or contemptuous tone.


Be direct. Use “I” sentences to tell the person how you would like him to behave. State it as a preference, not a demand. (“Next time, I would like it if you could pick the kids up on time.” rather than “You should have remembered to pick up the kids on time.”)


Only give an ultimatum if you plan on keeping it. Idle threats typically make these behaviors increase in intensity or frequency.


Remember, it’s not about you, even though it effects you. You didn’t do anything to deserve this; nor, can you change anyone else’s behavior.


Typically, people who employ passive-aggressive behavior have it set pretty deeply in their repertoire. So, expect them to continue using it.


Be aware that the person behaving this way wants you to act out their unexpressed anger. If you rise to the bait, you run the risk of really escalating things. This may entail someone blaming you for “making them angry.” (You can’t make anyone angry, just as you can’t make anyone happy.) Conversely, you may think reacting calmly will also increase the behaviors. It may, but if you don’t react with anger, yelling, or tears he will (consciously or unconsciously) get the message that his behavior is inappropriate.


Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior is generally exhausting. Having a few techniques enables you to feel less triggered, and to remember: It’s not about you.


You may wonder if staying in a love relationship with someone who behaves passive-aggressively is possible. That depends on you. Everyone is different and has different proclivities and tolerances. Some people can separate sufficiently from their partner to know their partner’s behavior is not about them. They can more easily detach from someone else’s annoying ways without catalyzing a cascade of negative emotions.


Because everyone has different levels of sensitivity and tolerance, there is no right way of being, only your way. The key question is: Given how I am and what triggers me, can I skillfully work with these behaviors or will I perpetually get irritated, annoyed, frustrated, angry, and eventually resentful and hateful? This is an opportunity to plumb the depths of who you really are, not whom you would like to be. The more honest you are with yourself, the better decision you will reach. There can be strength in deciding to stay or go.
Copyright: Nicole S. Urdang

Dealing with Disappointment

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If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment.
Henry David Thoreau


Many years ago, people expected to be disappointed with their leaders, bodies, relationships, and circumstances. Life was brutish and short. In the second half of the 20th century, when Americans were riding a post-war high, this view radically shifted. Since then, we have been bathed in advertising that blatantly says, “Buy this and you will be perennially happy.” It used to be cigarettes, booze, and cars. Now, it’s more likely to be the latest technological breakthrough. Regardless, the essential message is the same: You can attain joy 24/7. Clearly, that sets everyone up for one disappointment after another. In addition, we humans are really good at disappointing each other in personal relationships. But that is not the problem. The problem lies in our unrealistic idea that disappointments are awful, we can’t stand them, and we shouldn’t have to deal with them.


On the most prosaic level, your Netflix streaming videos will not always stream, and your iPod can freeze. Those are just minor, annoying inconveniences, and most people take them in their stride. You know things break down; but, it’s an entirely different situation when you are disappointed with yourself, your mate, child, sibling, or parent.


To make matters even more challenging, Pema Chodron, the Buddhist nun and author, has said: “It’s amazing how often disappointment hardens into anger.”


And, here’s the cherry on top: If you are dealing with abandonment issues you will likely frame each disappointment as just another abandonment or rejection. (See chapter: People Are Who They Are.)


The good news is by working skillfully you can head many of these disappointments off at the pass. How? By managing your expectations, and creating an inner sanctuary. (See chapters on Self-Soothing, Fall in Love With Yourself, Self-Compassion, It’s OK Sweetheart, Overcoming Abandonment Issues.)


Here are a few techniques to help you break away from some unhelpful, possibly habitual, patterns that just create more unhappiness and anger around disappointment.


* Ask yourself: “Is this about me? Did this person deliberately plan to hurt or reject me? If so, you may want to rethink that relationship, or the context in which the behavior occurred. You might feel differently about it if it happened during a fight, or just out of the blue. If it really had nothing to do with you, you can more easily detach. All humans have traits, and not all traits are lovable. Once you know it’s not about you, you can say something to yourself like: “I know s/he’s often sarcastic and I don’t like it, but that’s just how s/he is.” Then, you get to assess the situation without the added distraction of thinking it’s about you, because it isn’t.


* What are my expectations of myself? My family? My friends? Am I demanding or expecting more than is reasonable? This can be a sticky wicket, as many people think: “Well, I expect a lot from myself and thereby expect a ton from others.” That is exactly the kind of thinking that can create long-term disappointment that might harden into anger. Why not look lovingly at everything you do expect from yourself and see if you can’t lessen your internal pressure by being kinder and gentler. Miraculously, that also helps you develop more compassion and patience with other people’s issues.


* What thought habits have I cultivated that make me react so deeply to disappointment? Am I telling myself it’s awful or I can’t stand it? Do I think that person is horrible and should be punished? What if I challenged those thoughts? How awful is it, really? I know it’s unpleasant, and even very disturbing, but must I make it worse by thinking I can’t stand it?


* What if I started to think of each of my expectations of myself and others as little straight-jackets? They really do limit the range of behaviors I deem acceptable, hereby limiting my growth and the potential for growth in my relationships. What if disappointments actually foster my development? Each one certainly makes me sit up and take notice. They clearly provide opportunities for me to flex my emotional muscles, to let go of preconceived notions of how people and things have to be for me to be content, to love others as they are, and to accept myself with all my own idiosyncrasies. Of course, there is a limit to your tolerance for accepting people who perennially disappoint you. That calls for a re-evaluation of the relationship.


* Am I often disappointed in people? If so, perhaps I am habitually setting up unrealistic expectations, which could easily lead to anger. Is this also true of my relationship with myself? Am I a perfectionist, demanding such high standards and behaviors that no one, not even I, can meet them? If so, you might want to shift them.


* An insidious thing can sometimes happen when addressing these inner demands. You can begin to think, “Why bother, everyone will disappointment me. I’m better off not counting on anyone.” This only leads to feeling more isolated, depressed, and anxious. It may seem like a Herculean task to shift your expectations based on reality, yet it will end up creating better relationships with yourself and others.


* How can I reassure the little child inside me that most of the time people are not doing what they do to purposely hurt me? By taking the very best care of you, on every level: physical (sleeping enough, eating a healthy diet, exercising, getting fresh air, dealing with addictions), social (making time for friends and family), self-actualization (developing your skills and talents, expressing your creativity), financial (creating the best relationship you can have with money, planning for the future), spiritual (meditation, mantra work, possibly a religious organization, 12-Step group, yoga), and relationships (dealing with unhelpful patterns of behavior).


* Last but not least, choose to believe that everything, including all those pesky disappointments (especially, the huge ones), is happening for your highest good. How could that possibly be? Because it all helps you evolve, adjust, adapt, and, ultimately, set more realistic expectations for yourself and others. Then, when people disappoint you you won’t be surprised or blame them. Remember, their behavior is not about you.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Mental house cleaning for a new lease on life

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What would happen if you never took out the garbage? Pretty soon, it would become intolerable. Yet it’s all too easy to let the inner detritus of negative thoughts and feelings accrue, building on each other until they create a malodorous mess. Actively cleansing your mind of unnecessary and unhelpful old material can give you a new lease on life and create space for alternate ways of thinking and processing experiences.

Just the way too much clutter actually inhibits the flow of chi (energy) in your home, mental clutter can block the flow of all thoughts (including neutral or positive ones) while allowing some of the persistent (usually negative) ones to take up residence.

In yoga we often talk about the Monkey Mind. The mind’s tendency to jump around like a little frenzied chimp. In fact, one of the major goals of a yoga practice is to quiet the mind and fully inhabit your body and the moment.

One sure-fire way to create a more cluttered cranium is to obsess about how awful it is to have unwanted thoughts. There’s nothing horrible about it, it’s simply the way the mind works, taking in all sorts of material whether relevant or not.

You can start this emotional house cleaning by grabbing a piece of paper. Using the following categories as a starting point, ask yourself if you are harboring any:

Negative thoughts about your:

body
past
future
relationships
work, or lack of it
finances
personal habits
creativity
intellect
patterns, habits

If you find some, and I can’t imagine a person who has none, write them down. Look at them. Thoughts create feelings. Are these thoughts helping you? If not, try the next exercise.

180° SHIFT:

Ask yourself, “What am I feeling now?”

Is it anxiety, depression, anger, guilt, or something else?
When you think “I feel my life is out of control,” or “I feel like a failure,” those are actually thoughts, not feelings.

If you find yourself mistaking thoughts for feelings you can clarify between them by asking:
“When I tell myself my life is out of control or I am a failure, how do I feel?”

Another way to separate a thought from a feeling is to remember there are really only a handful of major negative feelings.

To make things even more complicated, some things that sound like feelings are really physical, not emotional. When I talk about feelings I am speaking of emotions.
There are even certain words, like boredom, that masquerade as a feeling, and can fool you into thinking you are bored. In fact, boredom is almost always a code word for something else, like loneliness, grief, depression, or anger. (Check out: Boredom, Does It Really Exist?)

Clearly, it is not always so easy to identify a feeling; yet, negative ones like anxiety, depression, anger, guilt, and worthlessness usually make themselves felt fairly strongly.

Once you have identified your negative feeling, ask: “What would be its opposite?”

Allow yourself the opportunity to really think about the 180° opposite and explore what that might feel like. Sometimes, that’s all you need to do to create a major shift. On other days, you may not feel like making the effort to alter your mood. That’s ok. Letting yourself feel your feelings, while remembering they will change, can be just as freeing as actively working to shift them. (You may want to re-read that last line as it’s easy to forget.)

Luckily, once you become aware of the whirlwind of internal thoughts you can usually calm them by putting the focus on your body.

Body Check-in, or Notice and Name: (This technique is also mentioned in the chapter: Self-Soothing.)

Do a slow body check starting at the crown of your head and working down towards the soles of your feet, or vice-versa. As you navigate your awareness to the various parts of your body ask:

“What am I noticing here? Is it tightness, tension, itchiness, heat, cold, shakiness, expansion, contraction, discomfort, twitchiness, or obstruction ? Is there pressure, pain, a particular shape, motion, texture, color, heaviness, lightness, buzzing, singing, humming, scents, emptiness, numbness, burning, etc.?”
Once you describe it, just sit with it.

Then, allow whatever is true for you now to be. Breathe into that space as you tell yourself it’s ok. Allow the breath to soften and soothe any tight areas. No agenda, just allowing and watching to see what happens.

If you are feeling particularly open minded, you may want to ask that part what it is trying to tell you. You might ask what it would like from you, or what it wants you to know. (I know this sounds a bit unusual, but it really helps take the focus away from intellectualizing to paying attention to the way your unconscious mind can communicate via your body.)

By taking the time to plumb your depths you can cleanse your inner abode of unhelpful thoughts and feelings. Of course, it’s impossible to do a clean sweep, as nagging thoughts and feelings like to camp out in the nooks and crannies of our body-mind. These exercises, if done regularly, create a dialogue between you and your various parts allowing them to feel increasingly comfortable with the vicissitudes of life.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Self-Soothing

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Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
Haruki Murakami


If you grew up in a family where there was little nurturing, or unpredictable nurturing, especially during the first 18 months of life, you may have a difficult time self-soothing. Alternatively, if you were lucky enough to have had parents, or any caregiver, who was adept at calming you down with a hug and loving, kind words, you have taken in those behaviors and can claim them as your own. When life gets challenging, you know how to emotionally realign.


If it wasn’t merely the absence of loving interaction in your childhood, but the trauma of abuse or neglect, it can be extremely hard to imagine you deserve to feel good about yourself. You do. The past doesn’t have to be your future, no matter how long you have been feeling unworthy.


If you didn’t get loving reassurance when upset as an infant or child, you can still retrain your mind to quiet negative self-talk. Those internal diatribes often get triggered by a break-up, job loss, death, or bad diagnosis, and can easily activate anxiety, panic, or numbness.


Like anything else, the only way to get really good at self-soothing when you don’t have an inner template from infancy and childhood, is to practice giving yourself what you would ideally like from someone else. Learning self-calming techniques can be simple. The only way they get entrenched to the point you will actually use them in a crisis is if you practice them regularly, especially when life is not in turmoil.


Think of times when you have handled bad news. No matter how you dealt with them, you lived. No one says you have to navigate life’s stresses elegantly. Sometimes, just getting to the other side alive is good enough. So, please don’t trip yourself up by rating how you are dealing with a given situation. Give yourself credit for simply getting from one breath to the next.


While there are a plenitude of great ways to work with your thoughts from traditions in Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy and Cognitive Behavior Therapy, there are times when you simply want to feel better immediately, without having to dispute whatever thoughts led to your disturbance. Having a cache of self-soothing techniques can be incredibly helpful.
Here are some I find especially good at calming the inner chaos:


First, remember these two truths:
All things end, the blissful and the miserable.
You can stand what you don’t like, unless you brainwash yourself into thinking otherwise.


In the Internal Family Systems model, we have a term called a “part attack.” It is when one part, let’s call it the “scaredy cat” takes over and floods you with anxiety. Of course, you could have other parts that inundate you with depression, guilt, worthlessness, or anger. Regardless of the specific emotion and the part involved, it usually feels very overwhelming. It can even seem immobilizing. When that happens, you can consciously call upon other parts inside you, like a resilient part, an inner loving parent, or any other part that helps you feel safe and heard. Let that part listen to the one causing the part attack. Hear all its concerns, validate them, and ask what would make it feel safe. As unusual as this technique may sound, it is incredibly soothing and effective.


Experiment with Jin Shin Jyutsu finger holds. They are remarkably simple and no one will know you are using them, so they can be used when you are disturbed in public. Here’s a link to get you started: http://jsj-holds.blogspot.com/search/label/attitudes (once there, scroll down the page for photos and more detailed information).


Check out the chapter on this site called Breathwork. It is full of techniques to help you switch from your sympathetic nervous system (fight, flight, freeze) to your parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest).


Use a technique I call Notice & Name. With compassion and curiosity notice where in your body you feel a particular emotion. Now, do your best to describe it. You can start at the crown of your head and work down to your toes or from the soles of your feet moving up to the crown of your head. Pay attention to any areas that feel tight, twitchy, hot, cold, obstructed, itchy, or tense. See if there is pressure, pain, a particular shape, motion, texture, color, heaviness, lightness, buzzing, singing, humming, scents, emptiness, numbness, burning, etc. Once you describe it, just sit with it. You might ask what it would like from you, or what it is trying to tell you. (I know this also sounds a bit different, but it really helps take the focus away from intellectualizing to paying attention to the body.)


Try a mantra. You can use English words and phrases like the ones found on this site under: Affirmations, Manifesto for Emotional Self-Care, and It’s OK Sweetheart; or, you can try one of the Sanskrit mantras listed under: Mantras. By repeating thoughts that run counter to your internal dialogue, especially if it’s harsh, you can actually create new neural pathways. In time, these become so strong they will supersede the old, self-critical ones.


Do some yoga. Even if it is just one posture. Not only will it calm your nervous system, and make you physically strong and supple, it will also help you meet your emotional and psychological issues with more awareness and compassion. By holding postures that don’t always feel comfortable you build up your frustration tolerance, and gain a new appreciation for your inner fortitude.


Try a wonderful meditation called : “Soften, Soothe, and Allow” by Chris Germer. Here’s a link to the free downloadable version: http://www.mindfulselfcompassion.org/audio/SoftenSootheAllow.MP3


If that seems like too much effort, use the simplest technique of all:
As you inhale say: Breathing in I am breathing in.
As you exhale say: Breathing out I breathe out.


It is incredibly difficult to grow up in a family where you have been unseen, mistreated, or physically harmed and come out thinking you deserve joy. You do. You deserve every goodness the world has to offer. After all, you weren’t born believing you were unworthy. People and experiences had to teach you that. Just as you learned one way, you can learn new ways of being tender and compassionate to your sweet self. I know it’s a ton of work. The good news, as the French psychologist Émile Coué said years ago, is: Every day in every way you are getting better and better. These self-soothing techniques simply accelerate the process.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang