Holistic Divorce Counseling

Archives for 2013

Personal evolution

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“…may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple…may my heart always be open”

e.e. cummings


It’s not a revolution, it’s an evolution. I think it’s personal evolution that will bring about planetary evolution. So that’s what I’m focusing on.

Woody Harrelson


Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still.
Chinese Proverb

How do you think your perception of life might shift if you viewed everything through the lens of your constantly evolving self, understanding each thought, action and emotion moved you towards a greater ability to love and learn? Each victory, defeat, or challenge would be just another opportunity to change and grow. Since life is fraught with uncertainty and transitions, why not choose to view them all as catalysts for personal evolution?


When living is hard, and it certainly can be, why not embrace the discomfort, pain, inconvenience, and ego injuries with curiosity? Do the opposite of what you initially desire–running away–and paradoxically, run towards the challenge. What an opportunity to see how capable you really are. How much you can handle, and how deep wells of compassion for yourself and others open up when you move towards that which you don’t like.


Of course, it is natural to rant and rail against the injustices, aggravations, inconveniences, and indignities of life; and, that can feel cathartic and freeing. Unfortunately, rarely does mere venting build resilience or make you feel better in the long run. Taking a paradoxical approach and moving towards what you want to shun can be refreshing and full of interesting surprises. It shifts your perspective 180 degrees, enabling you to see something positive in a situation that only seemed miserable seconds earlier. Committing to approach something negative with a different attitude reminds you that, no matter what the situation, you can almost always choose your response.


The ancient yogis knew this and practiced setting intentions, meditating (either seated, with breath work, or doing yoga postures to calm the body-mind), and using mantras as ways to harness the mind’s power to enhance feelings of self-determination. You may get the flu, your request for a mortgage can be denied, the job promotion you wanted goes to a colleague, or any one of a multitude of things happens that harshes your mellow. In almost every case, except those that involve brain damage, you can consciously choose to re-frame your perspective. Is it easy? Absolutely not. Though, with perseverence and practice it becomes easier.


The toughest aspect of this path is how frequently you can get derailed. It might be a small catalyst, like someone cutting you off the road, or a large one like the death of a parent. You thought you had practiced accepting life on life’s terms; yet, suddenly, you are feeling angry, anxious, guilty, worthless, hopeless, or depressed. This happens to almost everyone, and is no reflection on your desire to maintain emotional homeostasis. As a matter of fact, it is simply a cosmic reminder to take a breath, think differently, re-focus your perspective; or, just stop and be grateful for every gift that has been bestowed on you.


In Buddhism, the concept of shenpa refers to our ability to get hooked into unpleasant emotional and behavioral reactions, including shutting down, when certain buttons are pushed. Even if you have been working diligently on yourself for decades, you will get hooked. So, it is crucial to be vigilant for times when complacency and ego appear. Thinking you are so firmly rooted in your balanced view of life that nothing can blow it up is just hubris. The ego loves to think it has something all nailed down; but, life’s vicissitudes are always ready to teach it a lesson. The best strategy is to gracefully accept how challenging being human can be. Give life’s quirky surprises the respect they deserve, and give yourself credit for doing what you can to navigate the ups and downs.


When things are going your way, enjoy them to the hilt, for they won’t last. When tough times emerge remember your practices (they are strewn throughout this website: cognitive, physical, spiritual, nutritional, social, etc.), and re-commit to doing them. While almost all require some measure of self-discipline, each will help you feel a greater sense of control, even if it is just observing a breath while waiting for the challenge du jour to end.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

There Is No One Right Way To Live

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“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
Friedrich Nietzsche

There is no one right way to live. There is only your way in this moment. Whether you are experiencing abject misery, overwhelming joy, or numbness, this is your minute. Claim it as part of your unique experience on this earth. After all, since you are only a visitor, why not approach everything as fascinating? If you really feel like raising the bar, you could even consider all aspects of your life sacred. Should you choose to adopt that world view, you might find yourself more comfortable riding the seas of unpredictability that show up daily.

Of course, it is natural to get caught up in an emotion or experience and think it will never end. Whether it is physical pain, euphoria, or something else entirely it is all too easy to lose sight of the fact that everything, yes, everything, ends. Clinging to the joys and shunning the difficulties only makes life harder.

What if you adopted a completely different view, one that embraces everything as part of your adventure on planet earth? Each moment would be a portal into understanding the varieties of experience. Not judging, comparing, or getting lost along the spectrum of discerning whether something brings joy or grief. Just being. Right now. In this moment. No story line to keep you company, no drama to create, only awareness and curiosity.

How differently would you think?

What might your new attitude feel like?

How would you approach what arises?

What effect would that openness and acceptance have on your relationship with yourself and others?

This is not about spiritual perfectionism, but gently, lovingly, coaxing yourself back into an appreciation of the moment, whatever it feels like. Not every moment, just those you want to fully experience.

While there is no emotional terra firma, you can anchor yourself in the present, allow all thoughts and feelings to flow through you, and cultivate genuine wonder. Empowered with joy, openness, and curiosity you can truly inhabit the fullness of your life.

An exercise that grounds you in the moment while tapping into your ability to appreciate the most mundane, yet potentially bliss-inducing, aspects of your environment, is the 5-4-3-2-1 meditation. It is quite simple, yet profound.

Wherever you are, notice 5 things you can see, then 5 things you can hear, and then 5 things you can physically feel. Continue with four things in each category, then 3 things in each category, then 2 and, finally, 1. Give yourself about 15 minutes to complete one full cycle. It is preferable to find new things, but not necessary.

Even simpler, just consciously allow whatever your experience is right now. Stop reading, take a breath, and assess how you are processing this moment. Are you being critical? Angry? Stoic? Resigned? Numb? Perhaps, you are grateful, joyful, accepting, open, or unconditionally self-accepting. The more you pay attention and do these mini check-ins, the more you will notice the emotional vicissitudes of life as they occur. Once you allow your ever-changing, full range of thoughts and feelings, and agree to being present and human for whatever crosses your path, life will feel more manageable and interesting.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Addiction Recovery: Techniques for Staying Sober

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All addictions, like all obsessive-compulsive disorders, serve one purpose: To push unpleasant feelings out of your conscious awareness. It makes no difference if you are addicted to alcohol, shopping, pornography, pain killers, pot, food, cocaine, gambling, or anything else, the key to recovery is finding peace. Peace from incessant thoughts urging you to obsessively repeat behaviors that sabotage your joy.

The first step in freeing yourself from addiction is minimizing or stopping the behavior. As hard as it is to believe, that is just the beginning. The real work is staying away from your old ways, which is only possible if underlying issues are acknowledged and addressed. One of the reasons 12 Step programs are so helpful is that once the addictive behavior is under control, their philosophy and practices help prevent relapses.

Whether it is overcoming addiction to perfection, difficulty being assertive, or the challenge of self-compassion, the community of a 12 Step group, with its tradition of sharing even one’s darkest thoughts and unappealing behaviors, can be a great path to recovery. In addition, 12 Step programs give you a whole new circle of people with whom to relate. This is especially helpful if your addiction often involves others whose company can trigger cravings and undesirable behaviors.

While there are many ancient practices that can alleviate anxiety, depression, loneliness, guilt, grief, feelings of worthlessness, and anger, here are three worth using every day. Like a muscle, they build emotional strength and resilience while calming your nervous system. Since the goal of recovery is to treat the underlying issues that catalyze addictive behaviors, not merely to eliminate the behaviors, a multi-pronged approach is best.

Breath work is an easy way to feel some sense of control, as well as a conduit to slowing down and allowing time to make the decision not to engage in your compulsion. Since breathing is already familiar and available every minute of your life, working with it can feel natural from the start. Here, however, you consciously choose to use your breath to harness the power of your parasympathetic nervous system by engaging the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve connects the brain to the pharynx, vocal chords, lungs, heart, stomach, intestines, to different glands that produce enzymes and hormones, influencing digestion, me­tabolism, and more. Its effects on your lungs, heart and the connection to your brain is quite amazing, as it rules both your body and mind. The easiest way to influence your mind and decrease stress is by activating the calming parasympathetic pathways of your nervous system. While it is certainly not second nature to control the parasympathetic nervous system at will, it can be done though breath work. The simple act of holding your breath for a slow count of four and then exhaling to a slow count of four, stimulates the vagus nerve relaxing your body and mind. (See the chapter on breath work for a variety of practices, including the 4-4-4 breath, that will soothe you almost immediately.)

Meditation is another path to inner peace and to gaining a greater sense of control over your thoughts and emotions. The simplest, but not easiest, meditation technique is noticing the qualities of your breath (the temperature, where you feel the air entering and exiting your body, its duration, intensity, etc.) as you inhale and exhale. This is called Vipassana meditation. When thoughts arise, just notice them, accept them, and, if you choose, label them: worrying, imagining, anger, rehearsing, grief, remorse, for example. You can do this lying down, but it is often easier if you are seated in a chair, or in a cross-legged position with a cushion or pillow under your sit bones. Don’t get discouraged if your mind wanders. That’s the nature of mind. Just allow your thoughts to come and go. Trying to control them or achieve a blank slate will only make them more persistent.

You may also love the practice of yoga nidra, an ancient yogic guided meditation that so calms the body and mind it actually creates theta waves in the brain. Yoga nidra translates from the Sanskrit to mean yogic sleep, but you are not asleep. You are in a liminal place between waking and sleep. In deep sleep you experience delta brain waves. In yoga nidra you enjoy alpha and theta brain waves. This is especially useful for people who have had trauma, or suffer from PTSD. (There is a link to a fantastic free hour long yoga nidra practice under the blogroll section of this site: “elsie’s yoga nidra.” Or, you can download a free copy from iTunes by going to podcasts, to Elsie’s Yoga, to episode #62. The meditation begins after her 15 minute chat with one of her listeners. I also like a Yoga Nidra CD by Swami Janakananda from Amazon. They are quite different and beneficial in their own unique ways.)

The third skill you may want to add to your repertoire of healing strategies is compassionate inquiry. By delving into whatever is disturbing you, you can calm your thoughts and nervous system, while cultivating greater lovingkindness towards yourself and others. Exploring your thoughts with compassion is not the same thing as ruminating or worrying, which are simply different ways of obsessing and creating stress. Try this, start with any uncomfortable thought or emotion by going into your body and, like Sherlock Holmes, sleuthing out what you are feeling physically. Is there tightness, contraction, tingling, numbness, pain, heat, cold, spasms, or anything else you can notice? Gently breathe into that spot. No, you can’t literally breathe into it, but by directing your attention to that area it will soften, relax, and the blood flow will increase. Now, breathe slowly into your diaphragm. As you feel your body relax, ask yourself what you might have been thinking and feeling to create that physical condition. Remember, there is no judging, just compassionate inquiry. Allow and accept whatever comes up with the kindness you might show a child. If you hear a harsh, critical voice, ask it to gently step aside. By allowing and accepting your deepest thoughts and feelings, your mind feels heard and steps off the carousel of incessant inner scrutiny and speculation, letting the flow of unpleasant emotions ebb.

Some days one technique will suffice, and other days you may need all three. By practicing, especially during less challenging times, you build up inner resources that will naturally appear when life is more demanding.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Find the Joy, Enjoy the joy, Spread the Joy

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“I saw grief drinking a cup
of sorrow and called out,
‘It tastes sweet, does it not?’
‘You’ve caught me,’ grief answered,
‘and you’ve ruined my business.
……How can I sell sorrow,
when you know it’s a blessing?'”
~Rumi~

HOW CAN I KEEP FROM SINGING?

My life goes on in endless song
above earth’s lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
that hails a new creation.

Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear its music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

While though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
And though the darkness ’round me close,
songs in the night it giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm,
while to that rock I’m clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
how can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble in their fear
and hear their death knell ringing,
when friends rejoice both far and near
how can I keep from singing?

In prison cell and dungeon vile
our thoughts to them are winging,
when friends by shame are undefiled
how can I keep from singing?

Enya’s version of an 1860’s hymn originally titled, “Always Rejoicing.”

For the joy of it, watch Enya’s You Tube version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdRSRTqOyi4

Even in the midst of the most intense suffering there is always something to savor. Perhaps, it is the ability to feel, the knowledge you had something to lose, or the perspective that this too shall pass. All can shift your thoughts into a realm of peace. It may sound almost impossible, but even when you are brought to your knees with suffering there is the opportunity for gratitude and joy. Sometimes, it is simply the ability to feel the depths of your pain and loss. When that happens, allow yourself to explore what it is to be human and fully experiencing a well of emotion. After all, what are we here for if not to pay attention and embrace every moment just as it is, whether raw and miserable or full of bliss?

What does suffering have to do with your capacity for joy? Plenty. As you allow all your feelings, you increase your openness to rapture. It takes courage to go to the darkest places in your heart. Paradoxically, the rebound effect is becoming so expansive you not only embrace what happiness life showers on you, but also actively seek more.

Learning how to find bliss is a skill that improves with practice. Stop right this minute and look around you. If you can see out a window, notice what is happening. Find the beauty of clouds, rain, snow, sun, whatever presents itself. Really look. Seek out the tiniest details of of nature’s daily pageant. If you work in an office cubicle, look at whatever you have brought in to personalize your space. Is it a picture of family or friends? Perhaps, it’s that mountain you climbed, or want to climb. Maybe it’s an empty coffee cup. Just take a moment to fully appreciate what each of those things implies, whether connection, love, exilharation, anticipation, or feeling sated.

Just like that little exercise, the key to finding more joy is to narrow your scope. Look for the smallest things that make your heart sing.

You can also increase your opportunities for happiness with a bit of self-exploration. Notice when you feel expansive or contracted. Are there certain people in your life in whose presence you feel your body tighten? Are there times when you feel so open it is as if your cells are mingling with the ineffable? It will take some assertiveness skills and a commitment to self-care, but you can increase the good catalysts in your life, and decrease those that create stress and contraction.

Deb Dana, in her book, “Anchored,” talks about savoring micro-moments of joy. She suggests three steps: attend, appreciate and amplify. The whole process takes about a minute and works best if you seek out good feelings throughout your day and consciously squeeze more joy from them.

Once you have honed your happiness skills, make sure you are fully enjoying whatever peace and joy has been bestowed on you. You can actually squeeze more bliss out of any positive experience by ratcheting up your awareness and being fully present. Then, just so you can feel even more connected to your divine inner light, share it. Smile at anyone and everyone. Give something away. Reach out to someone who may be lonely or bereft. Bake some cookies for your neighbors. Give someone, even a stranger, a compliment. Now, watch the power of spreading your positive energy as it not only expands your delight, but creates more for others.


Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

How to find love after a divorce with bonus Sanskrit love mantra

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Sometimes, the thought of being in love may seem as appealing as a root canal, but the desire to connect deeply with another soul can be quite powerful. Seeking love and connection may have been a nascent or cryogenically preserved wish, but when catalyzed by a potential partner, it can astound you with its ferocity. This is true whether you are 26 or 76. The heart wants what the heart wants. That doesn’t mean you will glom on to anyone who draws breath. If break-ups or divorce have taught you anything it is to choose wisely. On the other hand, love can sometimes appear out of the blue and rock your world.


When you think of being love sick it’s easy to picture a sixteen year old; however, if love comes rattling your cage you may find yourself unable to eat or sleep with any regularity. (They don’t call it falling madly in love for nothing.) The Cinderella story has stood the test of time for a very good reason: love can wake you up so completely that it feels as if you are reborn. Not just in terms of melding with another soul, but even more deeply with yourself, as it accesses dormant parts and brings you closer to the ineffable.


Naturally, with love comes feelings of vulnerability. Your inner protectors may prefer you not be in love as it could break your heart, and they will (unconsciously) put roadblocks in your way. These might range from a sudden tendency to criticize your beloved, to physical issues, like migraines, stomach problems, or muscle pain. If this happens, thank your subconscious mind for wanting to keep you safe, while reminding it you are an adult capable of navigating life’s challenges. You may also want to tell those protective parts you are consciously choosing to take a chance on love, even though you know it might cause future pain.


There is a vast difference between protection and over-protection. If your inner protectors are working overtime, they may wreak so much physical and emotional havoc that you could think love isn’t worth the trouble. Be careful of turning away from an opportunity to really connect with someone because of inner fears and past experiences. It is all too easy to watch over-protection segue into paralyzing anxiety. Talk realistically to yourself. Acknowledge your concerns and the risks you are taking to open your heart. Also recognize the bigger danger of allowing fear to sabotage potential joy. Assume the best. You have learned from those other relationships, and you will be vigilant enough to protect yourself while allowing some fun, affection, and connection into your life.


If your anxiety is triggered by trust issues, it is important to remember that it is not about whether or not you can trust someone else; but, whether you have built up a good enough relationship with yourself to trust your ability to handle life’s vicissitudes and disappointments. Counter-intuitively, the trust focus is on you, not the other person. Assume you have the inner strength to both open your heart and protect it at the same time. (If you are a yogi, you already know the delight in heart opening back bends, as well as the calm that comes from forward bends. Life is like yoga: you want the inner balance that comes from both, not to mention twists, which being newly in love will surely provide.) You may also enjoy reading the chapters on Trust and People Are Who They Are.


Another path to finding peace and love in romantic relationships is giving up the notion that someone has to change to be your ideal partner. If you find yourself still attached to that concept, try thinking the person who could change might be you. Start by cultivating more acceptance and compassion for yourself. The more emotional generosity, forgiveness, and understanding you bestow on yourself, the more you will have to lavish on others.


If you would like to practice a bit of heart chakra opening, try visualizing a warm pink light in the center of your chest. Breathe into this light as you say: I freely open my heart to loving myself, loving others, and receiving love.


If you think you are ready to invite love back into your life, you may want to use the following Sanskrit mantra: Sat Patim Dehi Parameshwara. As with all mantras, it is best if you do a full mala (the string of 108 beads that helps you count your repetitions). The practice is to repeat your mantra 108 times a day for 40 days. This may sound daunting, but it will only take about 10 minutes. If you skip a day you have to start from the beginning. (Here’s a little help with the pronunciation, from a video of the mantra being chanted: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jk1L2zC6rpQ.)


Once you have attracted an appropriate potential partner, you may want to follow-up with another powerful mantra for removing obstacles: Om gum ganapataye Namaha. In this case, the obstacles are your own roadblocks to embracing love, like old patterns and self-sabotaging behaviors. (Here’s a link to a video of Deva Premal chanting this mantra: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMCqI3I0Hio. If you would like to learn more about mantras, take a look at the chapter called: Mantras, or read Thomas Ashley Farrand’s book, “Healing Mantras.”)


The interesting thing about attracting love is how once your body, mind, and spirit are ready it appears.


Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Secrets: What we reveal can heal.

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“Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.”
Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard’s Almanack

“What you didn’t tell someone was just as debilitating as what you did.”
Jodi Picoult, Handle With Care

“Nothing weighs on us so heavily as a secret.”
Jean de La Fontaine

“If I only had three words of advice, they would be, Tell the truth. If I got three more words, I’d add, all the time.”
Randy Pausch

While it is exhausting to keep secrets, especially from oneself, it is a ubiquitous human endeavor. Whether the alcoholic’s denial, secret trysts of a cheating spouse, or yearnings so easily shelved into one’s unconscious, secrets are part of our human currency.

What drives people to withhold the truth; especially, when keeping secrets is so exhausting and stultifying? Often it’s a combination of shame, wanting to avoid criticism, or fear of seeming imperfect, stupid, wrong, or vulnerable.

If you find yourself loath to tell the truth, you may want to do a little self inquiry.

Are you afraid of retribution or blame?
Are you concerned you won’t be able to handle the fall-out emotionally?
Do perfectionism and fear of criticism rule your behavior?
Perhaps, you believe everyone must think highly of you or love you for you to feel worthwhile.
Is it threatening to even think of making a mistake? If so, you may want to read the chapter on this site: No Mistakes, Only Lessons, to disabuse yourself of that cognitive straight jacket. Hard as it may be to believe, fear of being criticized can be changed to welcoming criticism by retraining your mind to see it as an opportunity to change and grow, even if the growing comes from an inner knowledge that someone’s comments are not valid.

If you find yourself lying to stem the tide of criticism, you may want to try a few things:

1. Watch your inner dialogue. Ferret out thoughts leading to short term relief and choose those that redound to your long term benefit. If you typically pick momentary comfort over long term resolution, ask yourself how you could think or act differently. Yes, in the short run, telling the truth may create some discomfort, but in the long term it clears a path for more authentic communication and better relationships. You may also want to practice delaying gratification, even if only for a few minutes. This will help you develop emotional muscle so you can withstand unpleasant feelings without catastrophizing about them.

2. Leave your ego outside the door. People rarely criticize all of you. It is your behavior they wish would change, not you. Since you have hundreds, if not thousands, of different behaviors, why get distraught when someone doesn’t like one or two of them? You are far more than the sum of a few of your actions. Furthermore, have you ever had a relationship with anyone where you adored everything they did? Of course not. So, why would your nearest and dearest love every one of your behaviors?

3. Pay attention to your inner critic. What is it telling you? Typically, people who get their psychological knickers in a twist over criticism are those whose inner dialogue is harsh, judgmental, and punitive. If you find that is the case for you, gently, lovingly, and patiently talk with your inner critic. Convince it that the changes it wants for you will come far more swiftly and easily if it uses kindness rather than criticism. You may want to suggest different ways it can talk to you to guide you into, rather than force, change.

Lying in intimate relationships, whether romantic or professional partnerships, is potentially quite corrosive and may have more to do with low frustration tolerance than working towards your greatest long term joy. Low frustration tolerance is the late Albert Ellis’ term for the unhelpful thought that: Everything should be the way I want it to be; life should be easy and fair. Lying, on the face of it, looks as if it will make life easier for you. In the short run, it may save your bacon, but in the long term it will often come back to bite you with a vengeance.

If low frustration tolerance is your motivator, try easing yourself into telling the truth. Start sharing your thoughts, feelings and actions more than you have in the past. In a way, this is also an assertiveness issue, as it takes guts to own up to your truths. If assertiveness has always been difficult for you, read a book on it, take a class, or visit a therapist to learn some new ways of getting what you want out of life and standing up for yourself.

If you find yourself revealing things selectively, understand that telling your truth is just that: your version of things. There is no absolute truth when it comes to emotions, memories of events, and perspectives on the past. Try cultivating respect and understanding when listening to other people’s descriptions of things.

Do all secrets eventually get revealed? No; however, keeping them hidden siphons off psychic, emotional, and even physical energy from you, as it can be exhausting to maintain and juggle them all.

In spite of that, some secrets are best left private. It is important to know when to keep something to yourself. A general rule of thumb is to exercise extreme caution when revealing a secret will only harm everyone involved. By honestly looking at the potential fall-out, you may decide that not saying something trumps honesty. If the best case scenario would be your unburdening, while causing irreparable harm to someone else, you may want to consider talking with a therapist or close friend before unveiling your truth. If you decide to carry your secret to the grave, the next step is making peace with your decision and resisting the urge to revisit your behavior. Ruminating over it will probably amp up your guilt and create deep feelings of resentment for the person you are trying to protect. (See Guilt: The Useless Emotion chapter.)

When it comes to telling the truth to yourself, be gentle and patient. The truth is often divulged over time. Sometimes, you may just not be ready to see something in your life, whether it is a personal pattern, or someone else’s behavior. Furthermore, if you are looking back at the past and thinking you should have been more aware, give yourself a break. Please. You simply were not ready to face whatever it was that in retrospect seems so obvious. Even if it was toxic and caused you pain, be emotionally generous to yourself and let go of any self-blame. You weren’t consciously keeping a secret from yourself, you simply were not able to face the ramifications of the truth.
If you want some extra motivation, just remind yourself of some of the benefits of revealing your truth: a greater sense of inner congruency, self-respect, less anxiety about life and relationships because you are being your authentic self, greater joy as you unshackle yourself from the burden of keeping secrets, and knowing you set an example for others to be more transparent and open.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang