Archives for 2013

Inner Conflict Resolution: How Not Acting Can Be A Path To Peace

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“Faust complained about having two souls in his breast, but I harbor a whole crowd of them and they quarrel. It is like being in a republic.”
Otto von Bismarck


Every day, you are faced with conflicts. Have a donut or a yogurt? Take a few minutes to meditate or vacuum? Save your money or give in to that new iPhone? Such is the banality and ubiquity of inner conflict. You might think all that practice navigating choices while considering the emotional valence of each one would make it easier, but it doesn’t.


When the conflict is whether to take out the garbage or have another cup of tea, it is not such a big deal. But, when the raging ambivalence is whether to stay married, or some other equally big decision, it can feel torturous. If your inner conflict is like a tornado picking up all your emotional detritus on its path, it is best to aggressively do nothing. While doing nothing behaviorally is your safest option, this is a wonderful time to practice being with what is. Just sitting with the confusion, conflict, and urge to make a decision. Of course, it is not easy to be mindful when your mind feels like a blender. It is far more natural to desire ending the pain and limbo of not knowing, which is why forcing a decision can be quite compelling. Yet, allowing yourself to be with the discomfort is truly the path to greater peace.


This can be quite challenging if you are in the habit of scratching every itch and getting immediate gratification. By giving in to the call to decide, so the inner tumult of polarized parts abates, you “Act in haste and repent at leisure.” As seductive as it is, choosing short-term relief ultimately produces long-term pain.


Sitting with discomfort actually strengthens your emotional muscles, especially the one for higher frustration tolerance. Our brains are wired to avoid pain, so allowing yourself to sit with indecision can feel very awkward and unpleasant. With a little practice you will find you can handle it better, and may even start to feel some joy at being able to be with what is, especially when you don’t like it.


Allow yourself to be curious. What does it feel like to surrender to what is? Letting go of the urge to control your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors while settling in to the initial discomfort can be scary. It can also be a portal to a different kind of joy. The bliss that comes from believing you don’t have to do anything. Of course, there are times when you must make a decision, but mostly the pull to decide feels like a huge pressure because the ego wants to feel in control and intensely dislikes not taking action nor having the answers. If you can park your ego outside the door, even for a few minutes, you allow yourself to explore the peace that comes from letting everything be as it is.


It also helps to resist the urge to rate your experience and your reactions to it. Seek out any negative self talk that might be sabotaging your happiness. Not only will it harsh your mellow, it will trigger a flight or flight response from your sympathetic nervous system, making you feel even worse and creating a stronger desire for immediate resolution.


Are you thinking: “If only I could come to some decision and know what I really want, then I would be happy.” There will always be “if only…then” ideas trampolining through your cranium. When you notice them, think back to another time you believed you would be happy if only X, Y, or Z happened. Either it happened, or didn’t. Either you were happier or not; but, that emotion didn’t last. It never does. Feelings come and go. Here you are, again, magically thinking that solving this conundrum is so crucial it has the ability to make or break your joy for the foreseeable future. (Studies have shown humans have a set point for happiness. No matter what happens to us, we usually revert to whatever level of joy we are wired for within about five months.) Think of “if only…then” as idea sirens luring you to the rocks of dissatisfaction. As long as you find them beguiling you will risk your emotional balance. By lashing yourself to the mast of allowing things to be as they are you can successfully bypass the sirens’ call, switch from your sympathetic (fight, flight, or freeze) to parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest), and wait for the right answer to come. It will, just be patient with the process. The concept may sound simple, but it is far from easy, or quick to learn.


Begin by challenging your old notions that:


Immediate resolution is best.

You can’t stand what you don’t like.

You must not vacillate.

Not knowing is a sign of weakness.

You are wasting precious time being in limbo.

It’s awful to be indecisive.

You are too afraid to take the plunge.

This decision determines the course of your future, so you better choose correctly.


Remember this:


It takes great courage to face your demons (see chapter on Facing Your Demons).

Only brave souls even attempt to sit with what is, let alone embrace it.

The very thing you try to shun is the source of your emotional freedom.

Forcing yourself to make a decision before you are ready often leads to unhappiness later on.

The pressure you feel to do something is usually an illusion. There is time, take it.

Whatever the outcome of your decision, you will make the best of it, even if it is just to choose differently next time.

Patience is an incredibly useful, and often underrated, skill. Trust that clarity will come, and wait for it.


Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Shanti, Shakti, Prema, Bhakti Meditation For Centering

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This is a very short, restorative, centering meditation you can do sitting on the floor, sitting in a chair, or even lying down.


To start, center yourself with a few deep diaphragmatic breaths, making each one a bit slower and more relaxed than the last.


With your hands in prayer, and thumbs touching at the third eye, quietly whisper or think the Sanskrit word SHANTI which means peace. Do this a few times while you focus your attention at the third eye, a little above and between the eyebrows.


Move your hands, still in prayer, to your lips and whisper or think the Sanskrit word SHAKTI meaning power. As you breathe, allow yourself to feel your own power and commitment to what you want in life.

Now, with your hands in prayer at your heart whisper or think the Sanskrit word PREMA, for love. Breathing slowly and mindfully, focus your energy on your heart and your intention to deepen your compassion for yourself and others.

When you are ready, with your hands at navel height, place the back of your dominant hand in the palm of your non-dominant one, cradling it. Whisper or think the Sanskrit word BHAKTI, for devotion. As you breathe calmly and slowly, remind yourself where you want your energy to flow by asking: “To what am I devoted?”



Rest your hands in your lap, or if you are lying down, on your lower abdomen, and feel the effects of this soothing practice on your body, mind, and spirit.


If you would like some music in the background, I recommend the GRACE CD by Snatam Kaur, especially her track: LONG TIME SUN, a classic Kundalini chant, in English; or, the LOVE IS SPACE CD by Deva Premal.

Note:

I made a six minute audio version of this meditation that anyone is welcome to have by emailing me at: info@nicoleurdang.com.


Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Tame the Blame and Shame To Encourage Positive Growth & Change

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Whether we talk of warring nations or wounded spouses, the one thing that maintains antagonism and distance is the tendency to blame and shame. To make matters worse, continuous fault-finding often leads to holding a grudge which can turn into damning the other so vehemently the chances for reconciliation become slim.


So, why do we humans persist in this behavior? Blaming serves deep psychological desires: to feel blameless oneself, to scapegoat another, to switch from a defensive to offensive position, to play god and punish people who hurt or disappoint us, and, last but not least, to protect one’s ego.


The common phrase: “Someone must be to blame for this” neatly addresses our society’s penchant to punish undesirable behaviors, even though that rarely increases the desirable ones.


The proliferation of prisons and recidivism among criminals are perfect examples of how blaming, shaming, and punishing usually create more bad behavior.


The urge to blame is typically triggered when you don’t get what you want, or feel entitled to. This knee jerk response may feel satisfying at first because it exonerates us from any responsibility and punishes another; however, it only hinders any chances for reconciliation and rapprochement. Most people intuitively know that, but assigning blame and meting out punishment are hard habits to break as both deeply satisfy the ego’s love of basking in self-righteousness. Unfortunately, the potential long-term gains get sacrificed for the short-term ego boost.


Here are some ways to tame the blame:


Watch how easy it is to rush to judgment. Then, take a minute to focus your energy on your heart center and gather up some compassion. Remind yourself: People who behave badly are usually just acting out their suffering. By remembering this and sending them some compassion, you can soften your heart. It softens towards them and you, for who never does hurtful, thoughtless, inconsiderate, or selfish things? By cultivating understanding when others miss the mark, you will find yourself lavishing more kindness on yourself, too.


Notice any demands you might have made of this person, situation, or of life. Any “shoulds, musts, or have-tos” you are generating in response to something you did not like or agree with. Ask yourself: “What law of the universe says people should behave the way I want them to?” or “Must life always be easy and fair?” or “What law of the universe says I must get what I want simply because I want it?” or “Must people who disappoint me be punished?”


On the other hand, if you find yourself full of self-blame, or guilt, please read the chapter on this site called: “Guilt, The Useless Emotion.” If you apply its suggestions and philosophy, your guilt will evaporate.


When you blame others you are effectively saying, “You are bad.” When you blame yourself, the internal message is “I’m bad.” Both can easily escalate to blaming and shaming, neither of which help anyone change for the better. But, worse than that, they entrench the thought that someone is a huge screw-up and deserves to feel lower than a snake’s wiggle. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter much whether that someone is you or another because when anyone feels unworthy, or ashamed, it hurts everyone.


When you feel ashamed it effects every aspect of your life: your relationships with friends, family, mates, co-workers, bosses, and yourself. Its tendrils reach deep down into your sense of who you are, what you can accomplish, and even your dreams. Lodged in shame is the kernel of unworthiness that blocks you from being your truest, most developed self as it saps your energy and enthusiasm for life. There is absolutely no upside in feeling shame. If you think your sense of shame comes from ideas instilled in childhood consider getting professional help. You can feel better. Everyone is born with a capacity for joy and wholeness, don’t let shame keep stealing yours.


Naturally, there are times when you will miss the mark. Taking responsibility never equals assuming blame or larding on the guilt. Paradoxically, by taking responsibility it is less likely you will ruminate over your lapses in judgment or behavior. Instead, you are likely to make amends and change some ineffective or insensitive behaviors.


On an energetic level, guilt and blame deplete your energy as they fuel negativity towards yourself and others. Emotionally, guilt and blame either make you feel depressed or angry. Behaviorally, they often lead to isolation, resentment, fights, shunning others, and a host of physical symptoms born from all that anger and tension.


Imagine how different you would feel if you ditched the blame and shame. What burdens would be lifted, and how much more easily you would flow through those inevitable times when people, life, or even you, disappoint you.


Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Overwhelmed, stressed and self-critical?

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Some days, it may seem as if you are boxing with your brain. The hits keep coming, and it’s all you can do to fend them off. Perhaps, you are orchestrating a life that is overflowing with responsibilities. Do you put a ton of pressure on yourself thinking everything has to be done perfectly? Maybe, you are taking care of an elderly relative, have a health crisis, or financial worries. Whatever the onslaught looks like, you can always choose to be present, even though it is not easy when the present feels overwhelming. At those times, practicing mindfulness is possible but difficult. By focusing on your breath, acknowledging the challenge du jour, and reminding yourself you are here for the full buffet of life, not just the dishes you like, you can re-center yourself.


When you want to stop the world and take a break but there’s no way you can make time to meditate, do yoga, read a book, or watch the clouds, you can find refuge in the breath. While many recommend deep, slow breathing to calm your nervous system; sometimes, it is simply too hard to do. If that is the case for you now, it may be best to first ground yourself. If you are standing, feel the earth under your feet and remind yourself you are connected to all that is. If you are sitting, notice where your body is touching the chair and allow it to sink in a little deeper. Then, imagine the breath is coming in from your left nostril and going out the right. Then, it comes in from the right and goes out the left. (You can find a detailed description of this pattern in the chapter called Breath Work.)


All stress is exacerbated when it reverberates, hence my coining the term: emotional reverb. It describes the way minds and bodies have a tendency to repeat thoughts and feelings, on both emotional and physical planes, even when you consciously know that repetition is unproductive. Rather than stay mired in a cycle of incessant unhelpful thoughts and feelings, you can switch gears. If you are reading a book but find your thoughts wandering into troublesome territory get up. Bake a pan of brownies, take a walk, call a friend, do some errands, or listen to upbeat music. Anything to break the rumination.


It’s natural to feel overwhelmed by life. A multiplicity of challenging things all occur at the same time leaving you feeling tired, frazzled, and wondering if you can cope.


If you have a tendency to be perfectionistic, you are probably increasing your stress and feeling even more cooked. The pressure you put on yourself to excel ratchets up your tension and activates your sympathetic nervous system (fight, flight or freeze). At the end of the day, even if you accomplished your goal and everything worked out beautifully, you may still feel overwhelmed because of that unrelenting internal perfectionistic, critical voice.
The first thing to address, believe it or not, is not actually feeling overwhelmed, but seeing if you are putting yourself down for feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps, you hear an inner cacophony of self-criticism, like:

I should be able to handle this without feeling as if I’m imploding.
What’s wrong with me? The littlest thing sends me over the edge.
I should be more resilient, patient, and calm.
I’m such a mess, I just can’t cope.

Ask yourself if any of those statements are really true.

Everyone feels overwhelmed sometimes, why shouldn’t you? Torpedo those perfectionistic thoughts that just add emotional bricks to your load by challenging your unhelpful beliefs as vociferously as you can.

Where is it written I should handle all problems with poise and equanimity?
What 11th commandment says I shouldn’t feel stressed when responsibilities fill my days?
Must I feel competetive with other people’s ways of navigating life?
Isn’t it enough to have so much on my plate without adding a hefty portion of self-downing?

(Please refer to Albert Ellis’ book: HOW TO STUBBORNLY REFUSE TO MAKE YOURSELF MISERABLE ABOUT ANYTHING, YES, ANYTHING! for a detailed and pragmatic way to tackle unhelpful thoughts.)


Think of all the times you have felt buffeted about by life’s slings and arrows. Somehow, you managed to deal with every single one. Yes, there were moments when you felt touched by grace and sashayed through a troubling experience. Then, there were times you gritted your teeth and suffered through each miserable second. Either way, you survived.


In the throes of overwhelment, it is all too easy to forget your resilience. Resilience is not about gliding effortlessly through stress; but, knowing you can withstand something scary, unpleasant, or debilitating. Like your self-confidence that grows with each new accomplishment, resilience increases every time you navigate a challenging situation.


Last but not least, lack of rest and downtime contribute mightily to feeling overwhelmed.

Try this little self-assessment: Take a piece of paper and write down everything, even the littlest things, you have done since waking this morning. Ask yourself: Is there any way I could have omitted something and just sat quietly for five minutes?


Recently, I did my own experiment. I had five minutes and spent them sitting with my eyes closed focusing on my breath. First, I equalized my inhales and exhales; then, I lengthened the exhale until it was twice as long as the inhale. The benefits were obvious and immediate. I felt calm, centered, and relaxed. You would think I would have taken that mini-break every day since; but, alas, I have not. It’s all too easy to let life intrude. I’ll just do one more thing. Why? Since no one dies with their in-box empty, it might be the illusion of control. The more we do, the more we delude ourselves into thinking we have things covered. In some ways, that’s true, since procrastination often leads to more stress. The key is balance. The sweet spot of greater inner peace lies between too much activity and too little, too many things to do versus too few. As paradoxical as it sounds, having the strength to rest takes a great deal of focus and self-discipline. I invite you to join me as I make rest more of a priority.


(*I know overwhelment is not a word, yet; but, as the daughter of a lexicographer I am putting in a plug that it becomes one. Without it, all other options are wordy, cumbersome, and awkward.)

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

How Your Tone of Voice Affects Relationships

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If you can remember everyone’s behavior is a reflection of them and not you, even when the fall-out directly affects you, then their tone or attitude doesn’t have to send you into a tailspin. The benefits of shifting cognitive gears and thinking, “This has absolutely nothing to do with me,” are truly beyond belief. Instead of taking things personally, you detach with love from other people’s issues, agendas, and projections. You become less defensive, reactive, and easily angered. Reframing your thoughts does not come easily or naturally, and takes a bit of practice, so let’s get started.

Say, for example, someone close to you takes a tone you think is sarcastic, impatient, or condescending. Does that press your buttons? Does it trigger past memories of someone, perhaps a parent, who took that tone and catalyzed feelings of shame, embarrassment, ineptitude, or unworthiness in you? If so, join the club. Everyone has had those experiences. Of course, that doesn’t make it good, just part of life. The question is: How can you deal with it?

First, remind yourself:

This is not about me.

This is not about my parent.

I am no longer a child.

I do not have to take this personally, even if it feels like an attack.

This is not about my past. This person is not consciously trying to press my buttons. Perhaps, they feel threatened, angry, or vindictive and are unconscious of how those emotions might be influencing their behavior.

Even if they are saying things in a tone of voice that reminds me of old pattens and pain, I do not have to react without recognizing I have a choice. I can choose to see their behavior as a reflection of them, not me.

If someone’s tone is consistently pressing my buttons I can talk with them, look at my own responses, and own them. By taking responsibility for my emotional reactions, I reclaim my power over myself.

In the moment, when you feel your sympathetic nervous system engaging its flight, flight, or freeze modes, consciously take a deep, deep breath. Feel it infiltrate every cell as you inhale and relax each one as you exhale. Feel yourself grounded in your seat or feet, connected to stability and firm resolve. Your agenda is to keep breathing, feel secure, and only speak once you have thought about your response. This may mean there are longer pauses between their remarks and your retorts. Let that be just fine. It’s not chess, and no timer will chime if you take a few extra seconds.

By allowing yourself to notice your reactions on physical, emotional and cognitive levels without rushing to react, you can calm down and process what is happening.

Assume the best. Choose to believe this person is not trying to push your buttons. However, if you know they are itching for a fight, let that be another reason to keep calm.

If you feel threatened, ask yourself: Is there any real danger? Naturally, if you think someone might assault you get away as fast as possible. More typically, it is emotional pain or interpersonal conflict we want to avoid. If that is the case, remind yourself how you have lived through plenty of pain and conflict in the past. While it wasn’t pleasant, you survived. That should help calm you even more, enabling you to respond thoughtfully, rather than lash out defensively. Later on, when you can leisurely assess the situation, you may decide to spend less or no more time with that person; or, if they are very close to you, you may want to work through things. That may mean talking about it once tempers cool, or enlisting the help of a therapist.

Another way people typically get defensive is when their expectations meet reality. Expectations are a sure-fire way of setting yourself up for disappointment on a good day, and anger or depression on a bad one. If you keep cultivating unrealistic expectations about all the people in your life you will find yourself reacting badly to their tone of voice or attitude.

Perhaps, you discussed someone’s sarcastic or condescending tone of voice and are surprised when they talk to you that way again. Just because you alerted them to their verbal patterns does not mean they will change them. Thinking other people will adjust their habits to suit your desires is a guaranteed path to disappointment, as is trying to motivate them to want to change. Rather than embark on a fool’s errand, you might want to work on the only person you can change: you.

Last but not least, resist the urge to think, “If they really loved me they would change.” and “They know how much this bothers me. Obviously don’t care enough to behave differently.” Those thoughts may sound rational but aren’t. They are a perfect example of unrealistic expectations and assuming you know what motivates someone else’s behavior. Since each head is its own universe, you can’t possibly know. Resist the urge to analyze other people’s actions and erroneously attribute negative motivations to them. Sometimes, people are just oblivious, distracted with their own issues, or forget how much something bothers you. Hard as this may be to believe, even if someone adores you, you aren’t the center of their universe every minute of every day. They are.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Things I Keep From Myself

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“To regret one’s own experiences is to arrest one’s own development.
To deny one’s own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one’s own life.
It is no less than a denial of the soul.”
Oscar Wilde, De Profundis


“And that is how we are. By strength of will we cut off our inner intuitive knowledge from admitted consciousness. This causes a state of dread, or apprehension, which makes the blow ten times worse when it does fall.”
D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover


We all do it: deny certain things just so we can get through the day with less stress, fewer negative interpersonal issues, and a minimum of cognitive dissonance. Perhaps, we stop counting how many drinks we had, how much money we spent, or how many chocolates we ate. It is all in the name of avoiding the truth. What truth? The truth that we may find our job meaningless, haven’t the slightest interest in our mate, feel overwhelmed from the demands and responsibilities of raising a family, experience physical aches and pains we ignore, drink way too much caffeine, take a plethora of medications to quiet the demons, and live with an inner cacophony of self-criticism. Those certainly sound like a boat load of genuine issues, and they are. However, they are also capable of distracting us from our deeper unconscious conflicts.


Some people carry their issues to the grave through denial, while others choose to face their fears and do the scary work of plumbing their depths through self-awareness. It is extremely frightening to acknowledge how much you might dislike your mate, feel ambivalent about child rearing, or work in a soul deadening job; however, allowing anxiety (about the possible fall-out of looking at your life) to stymie your ultimate growth could ultimately create more pain.


My mother likes to say she hates change even when it’s for the better. I know she’s not alone in that view. Unless you are an excitement junkie, you probably agree with her. Facing the hard realities of life, with its potential for intense upheaval, is typically something we go into kicking and screaming. Who wants to clean up the mess after an emotional tsunami? No one. The good news is just the way you have to pulverize everything to make a great smoothie, things may be smashed to bits, but there will be gains you can’t even begin to imagine. Focusing on possible losses only delays your growth. That’s OK, too, as we often have to feel a situation is untenable before we actually do anything about it.


Bear in mind, it is natural to live with some denial. If we didn’t we would feel constantly overwhelmed and too numb to do anything. Give yourself credit for having the courage to plumb your depths, and lavish yourself with compassion as you gently explore some of the following options for getting more in touch.


Ask yourself: What am I avoiding facing?

This is a very tough question.

A portal to it may be asking yourself when do I feel my most difficult and challenging emotions?

Is the situation triggering guilt, anger, depression, anxiety, or a combo plate?

Is there any pattern I can discern?

What might I be denying that I am distracting myself from seeing?

A good way to ferret that out is by looking at your favorite addictions, habits, and dependencies.

When do you most typically engage in them? Are there certain triggers that activate those behaviors?
If so, simply delay your usual habit for five minutes and see what emerges.

You might also want to try writing down your thoughts and feelings before engaging in your addiction, during it, and afterwards. I know this will intrude on the mind-numbing loveliness the habit engenders, but the insights you gain will be worth it.


If all that seems too heavy for now, you might want to try asking yourself what is really going on when you feel any unpleasant emotion, even something as mundane as frustration, annoyance, or irritability.

What are you thinking? If you are angry, you are probably demanding you, others, or the universe be different.

Experiment with allowing life to be unpleasant, difficult, annoying, frustrating, and disturbing, because, it will continue to be.
You will be a much happier human if you can adjust to reality, since reality is not about to re-orient itself to suit your desires or demands.


Last but not least, you can try making a list of “100 things I might be denying.” There probably will not be 100, but this particular exercise is an excellent way to tap into your unconscious mind.
Here’s how it is done:
Number a piece of paper from 1-100.
Title the top of the page: Things I Might Be Denying.
Set a timer for 20 minutes and write as fast as you can without any censoring. Repeat any item as many times as it occurs to you.
The idea is to allow your thoughts to flow. At the end, look over your list and see if any themes emerge. What emotion(s) do they typically trigger?


If you are dealing with an addiction try a 12 Step program. It will not only provide a way out, but give you a room full of other people with similar challenges who can truly relate with compassion and empathy. These days, you can even do a virtual meeting through teleconferencing.



Copyright Nicole S. Urdang