Holistic Divorce Counseling

Archives for 2012

Holidays II: Embracing Reality After A Divorce or Death

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Nothing is wrong—whatever is happening is just “real life.”
Tara Brach

The holidays have an uncanny way of triggering grief. Once accessed, this deep sadness can have a boomerang effect as it sweeps up all past losses bringing them right to your emotional doorstep. Naturally, this dustpan of misery can feel as if it coats every cell of your body-mind. Tough as it is, the only way to get through it is to feel your feelings.

While it is natural to resist pain, stuffing your feelings doesn’t eradicate them. In fact, unacknowledged grief typically surfaces as another emotion or undesirable behavior. This persistent shape-shifter may show up in the guise of anger, depression, anxiety, worthlessness, or guilt. Physically, it can create aches and pains, stomach issues, fatigue, headaches, insomnia, lack of appetite, addictions, etc. So, rather than trying to banish grief from your emotional vocabulary try allowing it some expression. You might want to do something really radical and embrace it.

Accepting grief, loss, and sadness requires a fundamental shift in your expectations of life, starting with the notion that you will not always feel good, you won’t always like what is happening, and, sometimes, reality bites. Contracting against and fighting what is true for you now only produces more pain. As counter-intuitive as it sounds, closing off to pain increases your anxiety about it the next time it shows up. Welcoming scary, unpleasant, or challenging feelings is not intuitive to Western minds, yet it can strengthen your resilience and make you feel more in control. You may not be able to change a difficult situation, but you can open to it. True acceptance entails an element of surrendering to life, rather than muscling through it, with all the tension and resistance that implies.

In yoga, one of the major teachings is finding the sweet spot between effort and surrender. You don’t want to tighten up so much your body goes rigid with effort, making you lose your balance, or create an injury. On the other hand, letting go completely also throws you off balance and prevents you from entering the posture mindfully. The same is true in day-to-day life. Surrendering to what is enables you to work towards accepting it and doing whatever might alleviate your pain. Yet, there are times of despair and grief when the only option is allowing your experience, just as it is, until it stops; and, it will stop.

Almost anything, especially holidays after a death or divorce, can push your grief button. If you get hijacked by an unwanted emotion, remember: you are here for the whole experience of life. Yes, the loneliness, illness, money worries, disappointments, losses, anxiety, insecurity, relationship issues, depression, shock, betrayal, as well as the wonder, unbounded joy, sense of oneness, peace, grace, smiles, hugs, and all those times you have the guts to radically open your heart, even though it has been through the ringer.

There’s no denying it’s tough to navigate the high seas of life’s challenges. Nobody enjoys being drenched in emotional, physical, or spiritual misery, which the holidays can easily catalyze. But it’s part of life. As long as you are here, the best you can do is not add to your pain by fighting your current reality.

Try reaching out. There are plenty of other souls finding the holidays challenging and many would welcome the chance for some venting and compassion. If you don’t know of others in the same boat, seek out different supports: a therapist, web communities, free podcasts on Buddhism and meditation, religious groups, or meditation sanghas. Just going to your local library or coffee house can prove you are not the only one flying solo. Try a meet-up group (http://www.meet-up.com) as a way to connect with people interested in making new friends or doing some activities you also enjoy.

While the focus here has been on accepting the reality of this moment, whatever it is, it is equally important to remember your perspective, feelings, and bodily sensations shift every second. Sometimes, simply waiting for shift to happen is all you need to get through miserable moments.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

No regrets

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If things were different they wouldn’t be the same.
From an episode of Law & Order



Every decision comes with a cornucopia of unanticipated consequences. How could it be otherwise? Like crystals growing in a petri dish, they build, one on top of another, into configurations previously unimagined. Similarly, every second in life is full of mystery and ripe with unforeseen possibilities.


Think back to when you were young. Could you ever have imagined the twists and turns life would take? Were most of your relationships, experiences, challenges, or transformations predictable? What if you consciously decided to see them all as perfect catalysts for your growth, whether you liked them, or not?


No matter how challenging your circumstances, you are blessed with free will. You can choose your thoughts, the templates through which you view your experiences. Even if emotions drench you like a tsunami leaving confusion in their wake, you can still accept the onslaught as an opportunity to feel, change, and grow, rather than regret the choices that brought you to this place.


Regret is such a hubris filled thought. It implies there would have been a better outcome if only you had made different choices. A wild assumption with no basis in reality. If you had chosen other options things definitely would have been different, maybe worse. Why torture yourself by inventing rosier scenarios when you haven’t the foggiest idea what might have happened? The truth is all decisions spark chains of reactions you can’t possibly anticipate, let alone imagine. Unless you are clairvoyant, it is highly unlikely you can accurately say what would have happened had you acted differently. The only thing you can be sure of is the mental torture that comes from wondering, and Monday morning quarterbacking.


Where does the urge to imagine alternatives come from? Dissatisfaction and ego. The notion you could have chosen another path and all would have worked out beautifully. But there is absolutely no guarantee that course would have yielded happier results. The only thing you can know for sure is that there would have been another trajectory with its own set of unforeseen consequences. It is an assumption to think those would have been more gratifying or agreeable. It is somewhat egotistical to think you should have known the outcomes of your actions before taking them. You couldn’t because no one can. Unfortunately, the times you did guess correctly only fuel the egoic notion you should always be able to predict the results of your actions. Obviously, that is impossible. Thinking it only leads to remorse, grief, guilt, anxiety, and depression.


A veritable slew of factors, some conscious and some unconscious, collaborated to tip the scales in favor of one decision. The trick is to ride the waves without looking back and thinking you should have predicted all outcomes so you could be enjoying more happiness now. When looked at this way, doesn’t it seem unhelpful to blame yourself for things you couldn’t possibly have known?


The most loving way to deal with thoughts of regret and “shoulda, woulda, coulda,” is to remind yourself you didn’t know what would happen as a result of each decision you made, and consciously choose to believe everything is happening for your highest good. It may not be true, but it certainly beats alternative views. Since you get to choose, why not pick the thoughts that give you peace of mind and foster an optimistic outlook?


The following are a trio of healing meditations to help banish the tendency to regret. You can focus on one, two, or all three.


Sit comfortably and breathe naturally.


Open to what is. Your life now.

Settle into the grace of your unique experiences on this earth, and recall some of the most satisfying ones.

Welcome the unfolding of your life with curiosity and compassion.
Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Fall in Love With Yourself

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To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.

Robert Morely


To love yourself right now, just as you are, is to give yourself heaven. Don’t wait until you die. If you wait, you die now. If you love, you live now.

Alan Cohen

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve love and affection.

Buddha

Yes! As radical as this sounds, by falling in love with yourself you can accomplish two major life tasks:

1. Change your harsh, critical inner dialogue to something loving, positive, and supportive; and,

2. Choose a potential partner wisely. Not out of desperation or longing for someone to complete you, but because you come to respect, cherish and enjoy them.

What happens when you fall in love?


Your world suddenly shifts completely to the other person. You pay them undivided attention, listen to what they want, and try to give it to them.

Your heart opens.

You want the best for them.

You become wildly generous in all ways.

You show patience, tolerance, and understanding.

You give them the benefit of the doubt.

You focus on their best qualities and ignore the rest.

You are affectionate, considerate, complimentary, and loving.

You crave their company.

You trust them.

You even like their quirky behaviors.

You support and encourage them.

You feel protective and have their back.

You forgive easily.


Now, imagine giving all those wonderful things to yourself.
Really imagine it.
Slowly.
Meditatively.
Each and every one.
How does that feel?
If it’s fabulous, turn your reverie into action. Do everything you possibly can to show yourself tenderness, consideration, patience, and compassion.
Now, watch how your relationship with yourself changes.


Lest some of you think this is narcissistic, it is not. Falling in love with yourself doesn’t mean you think you’re better than anyone else, just equally deserving of kindness, compassion, and time. You realize how wonderfully healing it can be to appreciate and care for yourself. Paradoxically, the more lovingly you treat yourself, the more kindness, compassion, and patience you will have for others.


Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Self-Compassion: Cultivating Deep Kindness for Yourself

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These days it seems as if every website, book, and podcast is encouraging self-compassion as a path to inner freedom and peace. And rightly so. Showering yourself with loving kindness will surely make you feel better, no matter what’s ailing your body, mind, or spirit. The problem is, how exactly do you do it?

While self-compassion may include physical self-care, like eating healthily and exercising, it goes far beyond that. Those wonderfully supportive habits build resilience and stamina to navigate life’s vicissitudes; but, when emotional distress is flooding every cell of your body-mind you want reliable calming techniques that work quickly.

Some of the deepest self-compassionate behaviors require a fair amount of practice before they naturally show up during stressful events. It’s almost like learning a new language, a vocabulary of self-care. Since so much of that inner work benefits from repetition, the sooner you start, the sooner you reap the rewards of being able to self-center in challenging times.

Alleviating emotional storms often comes down to using techniques that will reliably derail your sympathetic nervous system’s fight, flight, or freeze response. Nothing is as easily available as the breath. Learning to breathe deeply allows you to switch from your sympathetic nervous system to your parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest). You can find an array of breath practices on this site under Breath Work. By consciously befriending your breath, you instinctively breathe more slowly and deeply in stressful situations. But, self-compassion is far more than learning new ways of breathing. It runs the gamut from the most basic life skills to the deepest spiritual practices. The following is a partial list of compassionate behaviors which I will add to as I think of new ways to steep yourself in loving kindness.

Allow whatever is true for you in this moment, no matter how odious and how strong your urge to flee from it like from a rabid dog.
Actually staying with what is is far harder than it sounds. When every cell in your body is crying out for relief it takes a boatload of courage to abide with what may be extreme emotional, spiritual, or physical pain. Yet, that is exactly what will move you through it faster.

Talk to yourself. Figure out what you would most like to hear in this moment. It might even help to write it down and read your thoughts out loud. Read them again, and again, until you feel them taking root.

Notice your breath. Don’t try to control it, just notice it, and allow it to be exactly as it is. The length, shallowness, depth, pace, temperature, where you can feel it in your body as you inhale and exhale, how it disperses through you, and anything else that captures your attention. Not only does this center your mind by giving it something tangible on which to focus, it actually alters you physically.

Remind yourself that life can change in an instant, and often does. Everything from ecstasy to misery will pass.


There are no bad thoughts or feelings, just whatever comes up.

Access that deep place in you, your essence, where everything is OK in spite of the turmoil disturbing your peace at the moment.

Repeat Louise Hay’s favorite affirmation: “Everything is happening for my highest good,” and give yourself the gift of believing it.

Work with a therapist to heal past trauma that might be blocking your path to self-compassion.

Develop a yoga and meditation practice to help calm you physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Practice Jin Shin Jyutsu finger holds. Jin Shin Jyutsu is an ancient Japanese healing art that can be learned in seconds. The finger holds offer incredibly simple and amazingly effective ways to calm you, whether your stress is from anxiety, grief, anger, or other unpleasant emotions. An excellent site to explore is: http://jsj-holds.blogspot.com/

Envision how you would like to handle this feeling, situation, or physical condition. Ask yourself: “What could I change right now to bring me closer to that ideal?”

You may want to cultivate what I have come to call my Inner Dharma Teacher (IDT). This is your inner repository of love, kindness, patience, curiosity, intuition, nurturing, innate wisdom, and experience you can access by consciously calling on it for support when life is being especially challenging. It really doesn’t matter what the difficulty is because anything you find threatening wants to be soothed and reassured that you can cope. The more you access your IDT, the more it will be there for you when the need arises.

Partners, friends, family, teachers, clergy, and therapists can only do so much. At some point, it is a question of what have you digested and incorporated into who you are so you can call up self-compassion in all its forms when needed.

(Here is a great new YouTube meditation from Kristen Neff on the yang of self-compassion, yin’s fierce sibling: https://youtu.be/4GQl4FiISiQ)

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Useful & Appreciated

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Man cannot stand a meaningless life.
Carl Jung


Viktor Frankl’s book, “Man’s Search For Meaning,” focuses on the importance of finding a sense of purpose in life, no matter how heinous your external circumstances. The first half explores different ways his fellow prisoners reacted to incarceration at Auschwitz, while the second part details Logotherapy, the psychological model he developed from the death camp experience.


If you are reading this you are probably not in as horrific a situation as Dr. Frankl was; however, it can still feel mighty challenging to infuse life with meaning when issues with work, health, family, finances, etc. weigh you down. Often, one’s internal list of priorities doesn’t even include a search for meaning; and, more’s the pity, since finding meaning in anything you do makes it easier to bear the more odious experiences life hands out.


There are as many ways to find meaning in life as there are people. Typically they have two things in common: feeling useful and appreciated. The first one is fairly obvious, the second, less so.


No matter how spiritually evolved you are, you still have an ego, and it will express itself until your last breath. By feeding it a healthy dose of appreciation (whether from external sources, yourself, or a combination of the two), you infuse your time on earth with more meaning.


Just as eating does not mean gorging, some external ego nourishment will not turn you into what Albert Ellis called a Love Slob, someone who thinks it’s horrible if they don’t get massive amounts of approval from others. Here, balance is key. You don’t want to be so dependent on other people’s approbation that you shrivel up emotionally without it; on the other hand, setting up your life so you get regular doses of appreciation simply feels good. While doing good is its own reward, few people are truly satisfied with absolutely no recognition. Nor, is that necessarily a wise goal, since it is through interacting with others that you can feel validated for your unique contributions to society.


A healthy ego is not an inflated one. It enables you to go out into the world with enough confidence to do what fulfills you and benefits others. Knowing what you do well ignites your vibrancy and engagement in life, while giving you the strength to acknowledge what doesn’t come easily and address those areas.


Here are a few reminders of all you do to contribute your unique talents to the world:

taking care of yourself
being considerate to others
raising children
caring for elderly relatives
volunteering
working
rehabbing or repurposing things
smiling
giving to charity
caring for animals
growing a flower or vegetable
planting a tree
helping your friends, family, and neighbors

Forms of appreciation might include:

saying thank you
keeping a gratitude journal
noticing ways you are changing and growing
sending cards, texts, or emails to let people know you value them
supporting causes


One could argue that having a life full of meaning might preclude the desire for appreciation, but feeling valued often adds to one’s sense of meaning and joy in contributing to the world, thus insuring you keep sharing your unique gifts.


The ultimate way to guarantee you will feel appreciated is to practice appreciating yourself. It is easy to keep the focus outwards, seeking what you want from others, but one way you can be sure of getting approval is to make it an inside job. You may think it won’t feel as good as it would if you get it from someone else, but that simply tells you how little you value your own opinion. Practice dwelling and basking in the myriad joys you create every day for yourself and others. Something as simple as fully acknowledging another soul with a smile, hug, handshake, or deep listening has an enormous impact on the world.



Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Accepting People As They Are

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God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.

Variation of an excerpt from “The Serenity Prayer”
Reinhold Neibuhr


People are who they are and they will show you who they are. To be mad at them for expressing their true nature is like being angry at birds for flying.


Of course, accepting this can be extremely difficult and frustrating. Most people want to think they, or the force of their love, can change someone. Others believe if their partner, child, or parent loved them enough they would alter their behavior. While some simply can’t accept how family, friends, or co-workers behave, persisting in blaming them for not changing. All variations of non-acceptance are rooted in the ego’s unrelenting tendency to take everything personally and think those near and dear should conform to your expectations.


The good news is: it is not about you! That is not a judgment of your value, simply an acknowledgment of how strongly each soul inhabits itself and its own way of being in the world. Fortunately, or unfortunately, that unique package of thoughts, feelings and behaviors is driven to express itself 24/7. (Even if someone manages to suppress their true nature, by middle age it will break through those dams and assert itself even more strongly.) Again, this is all about each person being his or herself, not about how wonderful a sister, brother, daughter, son, employee, parent, or partner you are.


Since everyone has an ego, it is incredibly easy to think other people’s behavior is a commentary on how they feel about you, but it really is about them, not you. Just like you, when they look in a mirror they see themselves, not the significant people in their life, no matter how central those folks might be.


What complicates this is how other people’s behavior, even though it is all about them, affects you. If a drunk driver plows into your car you are definitely affected by their action, even though its creation had nothing to do with you. Similarly, if your friend, relative, or partner behaves badly towards you it may be very unpleasant, but it really has nothing to do with you. I know this can seem a little mind bending, and you might think, “Well, what if I did something bad, like gambled away all our savings?” Again, you can’t cause a reaction in someone. They create it themselves; otherwise, everyone would respond exactly the same way to all situations. In fact, people may react differently to the same situation at different times in their life, depending on their mood, hormones, diet, age-related issues, health, etc.


Not only is their behavior not about you, even when it looks as if it’s directed at you it is still about them. If someone behaves insensitively, or cruelly to you, it is a reflection of them, not you. Even if you behaved badly first, their reaction is theirs to own.


Often, the more loving, supportive, and generous you are the more likely it is that people will take advantage of you. If you seem to frequently encounter that dynamic  it is far better to learn to set boundaries and develop assertiveness skills than to bemoan the fact that others don’t behave as you would, or you would wish them to. Accepting people as they are, for who they are, is not an easy task; but, once you detach a bit from your ego and resist the temptation to equate their behavior with their love (or lack of it), it becomes possible. Even a little taste of accepting others is a heady experience. Just imagine how free you could feel if you let people be themselves. You may not like them, you may say good-bye to some, you may see others less frequently; but, at the end of the day, not only will you enjoy what they bring to the table you will also find you accept your own sweet self more easily.


It is also wise to remember how most people don’t wake up, rub their palms together, laugh devilishly, and plan ways to harsh your mellow. They are simply trying to get through their day with some equanimity, kindness, and ease. They may accidentally bump into you, step on your foot, or unleash some pent-up anger in your direction. It probably wasn’t with any conscious intention to hurt you. Yes, it still smarts and annoys. Perhaps, during those moments when you want to retaliate, you might conjure up an image of a time you accidentally lashed out at someone with displaced fury or ignored their smile when your mind was a million miles away. Wouldn’t you want them to have some compassion for you, and cut you a bit of slack? Gift your open-hearted understanding to anyone who inadvertently projects their issues onto you and watch how it heals both of you.


Another antidote to those situations is to behaviorally be the change you want to see. Practice awareness and set an intention to connect with anyone who crosses your path, whether family, friend, or stranger. Give what you seek and, miraculously, you will find it reflected back to you.


While changing oneself is challenging, thinking you can change someone else is a bee-line to misery. Even if they do change, they are likely to go back to their old ways. People can ditch an addiction, develop an exercise habit, change their diet, and even stick with those things, but changing their personality is quite another matter, and not likely to last because personality is pretty hard-wired.


What you can do is shift the focus to you, change your perspective and your behaviors. Sometimes, associating with a different group of people, whether a self help oriented one like a 12-step program, or a social or special interest group through meet-up.com, or your local religious community, can kick some new ways of thinking into gear, and allow you to let go of old, unhelpful perceptions and behaviors. You may not be able to change someone else, but you can certainly change the way you perceive their behaviors.


Not taking things personally, allows you to better evaluate what is wonderful about the relationship and separate it from those aspects that are merely a reflection of someone else’s demons, like their addiction, for example. (See If You Love an Addict.)


If you look back on any long term relationship you have had, you will notice how many times someone has shown you their true nature. Of course, if you were young, you may have thought you, and the force of their love or your love, could alter them. Even if you succeeded in bringing out some latent qualities, their deepest personality traits will ultimately surface. The one thing you can trust is they will be who they are meant to be, whether that’s Cruella De Vil, Mother Theresa, or, thankfully, all the options in between.


Copyright Nicole S. Urdang