Holistic Divorce Counseling

Archives for 2010

Children, Teens & Counseling: Is It A Good Idea To Send Children To Counseling?

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I have never been a big fan of sending little children to therapy, as I believe they value their parents’ input more than a stranger’s. Most kids are slow to trust people they don’t know, which is why I typically suggest the parents come in so I can teach them different ways of interacting with their child. I have found this is far more direct and cost-effective, and it avoids pathologizing the child for what he is going through. By normalizing his reactions to whatever challenge he’s facing, and having the parent(s) intervene and lend support, the child heals faster and develops a stronger bond with the parent(s). Not only is this efficient, but most people generally prefer their child bonding more deeply to them than to a therapist.


Sometimes, parents feel guilty about certain situations, like divorce, for example, and its effects on their children. There is a vast difference between guilt and responsibility. You may be responsible, or partly responsible, but you do not have to feel guilty. Guilt is self-punishment. In my experience, divorce is punishing enough without adding to the pain. The truth is, in most instances, you, not a professional, are best suited to help your child; and, your child will receive that help more easily than if it had come from a stranger. This is especially true if he is under age seven, the age of reason.


Sticking with the divorce example, your little one is already going through enough adjustments, whether cognitive, emotional, physical, changes in their home environment, shifting family alliances, religious worship routines, sibling issues, step-parents, and dealing with school. The last thing he needs is to have to adapt to another adult, no matter how caring and competent the therapist may be. The time it would take for a counselor to earn his trust could be far better utilized helping you, the parent, learn some helpful techniques. In addition, your child will see you as more capable. Yes, it’s one more thing for you to do in the whirlpool of activity that is modern life. You could think of it as another brick on your load, or you could view it as an investment.


The biggest positive impact you can have on a child, besides being loving, is providing consistency. By working with a therapist yourself, you maintain your place as the expert in your child’s universe. He will feel more secure knowing Mom or Dad is capable of guiding the way through this new, scary landscape.


There are certainly some times (usually of extreme abuse or trauma) that taking a young child to a therapist is warranted, but in most cases, and for less severe issues, the parents’ reassurance, patience, acceptance, and attention will best soothe, guide, and support the child’s healing.


The situation is different when it comes to teens and pre-teens. They often welcome the opportunity to talk with someone more objective, as confidentially speaking with an adult who is neither parent, coach, nor relative affords them the opportunity to thoroughly vent. This unbridled expression of anger, grief, and (sometimes) self-blame is crucial to letting go of what they wanted and accepting what is often quite challenging: a new reality.


Teens and pre-teens are often extraordinarily adept at fooling adults into thinking they are OK when they aren’t. They see the parents are stressed out and don’t want to be a burden. In some cases, they may even think being high maintenance leads to abandonment. This can often lead to their putting on a mask of higher functioning for the parent’s benefit. If your pre-teen or teen seems to be just peachy in the aftermath of a divorce, or any other life-changing experience, trying spending some time with him. A good trick is to take a long drive or walk, where you can talk without having to literally face each other. Young people are far more likely to confide in you if they don’t feel judged. Just looking at them straight-on can trigger their tendency to keep secrets.


In therapy, the teen is assured of confidentiality (unless he is a danger to himself or others), which gives him a safe haven. Conversely, little children naturally feel safest with a parent, so the same dynamic, with its healing potential, doesn’t apply to all age groups.


In this day and age, it would be remiss not to talk about psychotropic medication for children and teens. My first impulse is to avoid meds whenever there is a workable alternative. As a holistic psychotherapist, I gravitate towards empowering people of all ages without the use of pharmaceuticals; however, there are times when medication is appropriate. Here are a few questions to ask yourself before embarking on a mainstream, drug-oriented approach:


Is there an unusual amount of change going on in our household?

Could my child’s reaction be appropriate for the transitioning family situation? (Transitions may include moving, changing schools, divorce, blending into a new family, medical issues, pressure from a sports team, or “normal” age-stage adjustments.)

Could this behavior be coming from normal hormonal shifts?

Is there bullying at school?

Is there emotional or physical abuse on the home front?

Is my child eating a healthy, balanced diet?

Is he sleeping enough? Most children do not get enough sleep and this contributes to moodiness, short tempers, poor concentration at school, and acting out.

Is my teen going through a break-up? Don’t minimize the effect this can have. You may think it’s puppy love, but for your teen it’s the end of the world as they know it.

Is my child isolated socially?

Could my pre-teen or teen be doing drugs?

Is my child outside enough? Vitamin D levels affect mood.

Does my child get enough exercise and fresh air?

Is my child challenged to her ability at school, or bored?

Does my child have enough extracurricular activities to stimulate him, or so many that he is stressed?


As you can see, there are plenty of times when a therapist’s intervention with your child is warranted, and many others when improving your own skills will make all the difference. Support and techniques from a therapist build your confidence, enabling you to help your child navigate rough seas. This empowers you, keeps a natural adjustment period from morphing into something pathological, and helps you forge a deeper relationship with your child. All good.



Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Time and Transformation

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There is something appealing about the old saying, “When life hands you lemons make lemonade.” As unpoetic as it may be, I would add, just give yourself time to find a pitcher, buy the sugar, and stir it all up.


Similarly, even the harshest reality is an opportunity to learn, grow, and develop if you give yourself permission to move at whatever pace feels right, even though it may be slower than is typical for you. During a transition, changing, evolving, and ripening into an expanded version of yourself not only means giving yourself the gift of time to tune in to what feels right for you now, but time to integrate new ways of being in the world.


Everyone and everything is in a constant state of flux. When you are in the midst of a major transformation, whether precipitated by a death, diagnosis of an illness, divorce, empty nest, retirement, new job, or a move, you are faced with the various and intense ways your life, perspective, priorities, and even values, may be shifting.


At those times, the best you can do is slow down and breathe.


By letting these shifts of consciousness and circumstance wash over you without taking immediate action, you allow their effects and your reactions to seep in. Once you have had a little time to process, integrate and imagine new ways of living your life, you can begin to slowly change your behaviors. On the other hand, if you leap into the vortex you may not have the inner awareness, stability, or perspective to navigate its swirling possibilities.


Proceeding slowly, with your eyes wide open, won’t prevent making mistakes, but it will reduce their number. Paying attention to your inner reactions, whether physical responses, emotions, thoughts, or intuition, helps you base your decisions on a deeper knowledge of what might really enhance and expand your life rather than limit or shrink it.


If you find yourself taking this suggestion too far, i.e. procrastinating, ask yourself if you are avoiding something or protecting yourself. The ability to plumb your depths and discern the difference can only come from years of life experience making choices and seeing which ones were helpful and which unhelpful.


If your goal is to evolve into your truest, best self you need time to discover what is most meaningful. Understanding your priorities, values, and aspirations helps you shape a life infused with purpose and joy. Making decisions before you have allowed yourself to drop the chrysalis is a bit like driving a car without lessons. You might make it safely home, but it will be a harrowing ride.


It takes great self-control to slow down, let things marinate, and even allow confusion. You won’t stay in limbo forever. After a shock, the best treatment is rest. Rest until you feel energized, mobilized, and focused. It’s natural to think you will never feel like embracing life again, but you will.


Forcing yourself to move on or make big decisions before you are ready, ultimately limits your options. Test the waters, experiment. Try different ways of being, whether they are social, vocational, recreational, spiritual, dietary, or romantic. You can ditch anything that doesn’t feel right, though it sometimes takes a little time to know what really feeds your heart, mind, and soul. Give yourself a cosmic permission slip to wait, to breathe, to open up to all the possibilities.


Here are a few experiments to get you started:


Make a list of 100 things you want to do before you die.
The way to do this most effectively is to number a page from 1-100.
Set a timer for 20 minutes, and write as fast as you can.
You may repeat anything as often as it occurs to you. This allows your mind to flow, unimpeded by self-censoring.
When you are done, it’s easy to group your list into themes by counting how many times each one has occurred. Since you have a list of 100, you can convert these into percentages to find out what is most important to you now.


Do something completely different from your normal routine. If you are very pro-active, lie on the couch for an hour, take a long bath, go to a coffee house and people watch. If your tendency is to chill 24/7 you might like to schedule yourself with a few activities, one right after the other. If you always eat your meals out, cook something. If you always cook, meet a friend at a restaurant. Whatever you choose, do something radically different.


Similarly, if you naturally gravitate towards solitude seek out company. There are all sorts of interesting social options, whatever your interests, on http://www.meetup.com. On the other hand, if you are a social butterfly, try spending some quality time alone.




Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

It’s OK Sweetheart: Learn to Cherish and Calm Your Sweet Self

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In America everyone is indoctrinated to believe that doing well ensures a good life. Certainly, it’s satisfying to succeed, whether at work, school, relationships, sports, or anything else, but even if you do everything according to society’s plan, there is no guarantee life will be peachy.


At various times you may find yourself facing unexpected challenges. Perhaps, your work ceases to have meaning, your children disappoint you, you or loved ones face health issues, you have major financial losses, or your mate leaves or dies. Even the strongest soul can feel rocked to their core under such circumstances.


When life is going along fairly smoothly it’s easy to ride the smaller ups and downs, but when things fall apart, and the ups and downs are no longer little waves, but tsunamis, your resilience is really tested.


If you have had, or are now experiencing, a bracing life transition, you may want to ask yourself the following questions:


What has happened to my sense of self?
How am I re-grouping?
If I am an introvert am I getting out enough? If I am an extrovert am I taking time for solitude?
Am I asking for help?
Am I giving myself emotional support?
How do I deal with my deepest feelings? Can I embrace them without judging myself?
How well am I caring for my physical self? (Sleeping enough? Eating healthily? Exercising?)
How do I cope with feeling groundless? (See Grounding Techniques.)


These periods can be very frightening; but, one way or another, you will live through everything that doesn’t kill you.
By embracing all your thoughts and feelings, even when they are dark and threaten to annihilate you, you start a conversation with yourself that reveals inner reserves you didn’t know you had.


Keeping a journal, a dream journal (see Dream Journaling for suggestions), meditating, or working with a therapist, helps avoid the tendency to suppress unpleasant feelings, like depression, anxiety, doubt, guilt, grief, loss, loneliness, etc. When you delve into the dark recesses of your heart-mind, you befriend the shadow aspects of yourself, those challenging emotions most people like to avoid. I would be a big advocate of suppression and repression if they worked. Unfortunately, all they do is move you towards addictions, and postpone feeling better in a deeper, more reliable and authentic way.


What we resist persists; so, in the long run, courageously facing one’s demons will pay dividends the rest of your life. By integrating previously repressed (shadow) aspects of yourself, like anger, jealousy, greed, etc., you become more self-accepting and less afraid. You are less likely to project your own unconscious issues on others, and you grow into the complete person you were born to be. Neither good nor bad, just human.


The more you accept yourself in all your humanness, the more compassion you will have for others.


If you retreat from your fears with addictions (whether gambling, cutting, alcohol, drugs, pornography, overeating, shopping, exercise, or anything else), you delay learning some of life’s most useful lessons:

You can stand what you don’t like.
You are here for the whole enchilada. Not just the appealing parts.


The tendency to catastrophize is lessened when you remind yourself you have survived, even thrived, through some hellacious times.


You may want to write a list of 10 things you have endured that, at the time, you never thought you could stand. No lessons are more valuable than those from your own experience. Reviewing your list helps you remember you can stand far more than you realize.


When your heart is heavy, when you feel alone, when life looks bleak, open your arms and say:
“It’s OK sweetheart. I am here with you. We have faced everything, so far, and can manage this, too. We don’t have to like it, we just have to take a breath…and another…and another. It will pass. Life can feel good again.”


When you feel something scary or unpleasant tell yourself, “It’s OK to feel this. Let me feel this. I can handle it.”



It’s natural to want others to reassure you. Hearing these words from a friend, relative, or therapist, can be very helpful. Learning to speak gentle, loving statements to yourself, and believing them, fosters emotional self-sufficiency, deep peace and serenity. It’s not that you don’t need people; we’re all interdependent. It’s that you can self-soothe. Be patient. It takes years of practice to get there. Years of experiencing the futility of ranting and railing against what is, of demanding a quick fix, of feeling your tenuous ability to handle life; and, years of loving, supportive self-talk to change your course. (See Affirmations, Litany of Love, and Manifesto for Emotional Self-care.)


Stick with your new paradigm. What could be more important than learning to cherish and calm your own sweet self?





Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Sound Healing II

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The paradigm of Sisyphus hauling his boulder up the mountain only to have it roll down as he almost reaches the summit is so deeply ingrained in our psyches it’s easy to forget how stressful life is even when you do manage to push the boulder over the top. Naturally, major life transitions, like, divorce, moving, death, job loss, etc., exhaust you, but positive events also sap your energy. Simply put: all life is stressful, the good, difficult, and mundane.


If you want a fascinating glimpse into the major stressors check out this link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale. You will find many life events that, on the surface, appear to be positive, but pack an emotional wallop. Perhaps, it’s adjusting to change that is the real challenge.


Since stress is a fact of life, it’s always helpful to have a trove of techniques to smooth the way. Among them is sound therapy. Listening to certain types of sounds can engage and calm the mind-body, and are as accessible as your library or computer.


A number of creative souls have been working with sound as a healing modality. Alex Theory coined the term” “vibraceuticals” to describe the benefits of sound therapy, or “psycho-acoustics.” He also works with binaural beats, the practice of creating music that synchs both hemispheres of the brain (“hemi-synch”). This is similar to the ancient yogic technique of alternate nostril breathing, but you don’t actively do anything. Simply listening achieves the similar results.


Another key concept in sound therapy is entrainment. Entrainment is what happens when you sit in a room with a metronome and within 5-20 minutes your heartbeat is synchronized with the metronome’s ticks. Using this theory, musicians have developed soundscapes designed to slow your heart rate and calm your mind. Just as you might expect, higher-faster frequencies are stimulating and lower–slower ones are calming.


Recently, while on a trip to Vermont, I was able to experience a sound massage. For half an hour I was bathed in tones from crystal bowls, tuning forks, and an enormous gong that felt as if it were vibrating all the molecules in the room, including those in me. I thought a live session, as opposed to listening to a CD, would be more soothing. While it was definitely intense, the results were not any better than what I have achieved with my iPod.


Jonathan Goldman, another pioneer in this field, and the creator of one of my all-time favorite CDs, Ultimate Om, puts people on a massage table and bathes them in different sounds that he makes with his voice. It’s a variety of sound massage that seems to depend on intuition and the ability to “tune in” to the other person.


David Ison, composer, audio designer, and sound engineer created TheraSound to help heal himself after a particularly bad car accident. TheraSound’s efficacy was validated by a three-year study done at the National Institutes of Health, showing its ability to elicit the relaxation response (activate the parasympathetic nervous system), and significantly reduce pain, anxiety, and depression.


The following is a list of some of my favorite sound healing CDs. Choosing music from this genre is very individual and requires a certain amount of trial and error. It would be great if you could borrow them from the library, but most libraries do not stock this material. While you can preview CDs on Amazon or iTunes, these are typically long-playing and you will only hear a 30 second clip.


I recommend checking the prices on Amazon as some complete albums are available for 99 cents.


Golden Bowls of Compassion by Karma Moffett. (The technology on this CD, and her others, is beyond compare. An incredible bargain on Amazon.)


Ultimate Om by Jonathan Goldman


Air by Alex Theory


Prism by Alex Theory


Neroli by Brian Eno


Hearing Solar Winds Alight by David Hykes and the Harmonic Choir


Ison Sleep System by David Ison (And David’s CD: Free Yourself From Chronic Pain.)


Crystal Bowl Meditation by Ami and Steve Sciulli


Music as Medicine by Nawang Khechog and Carlos Nakai


There are two books you might also enjoy:


Healing Sounds by Jonathan Goldman


Sound Medicine by Wayne Perry (includes a CD)
Mr. Perry’s book deals with my last topic: Toning: using your own voice to heal.


Remember, in addition to the music’s actual resonance, you want it to touch you emotionally. Different CDs will affect you differently on different days. Familiarizing yourself with these composers enables you to choose music according to your mood.




Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Loving Yourself May Be Easier Than You Thought

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“Be thine own palace or the world’s thy jail.”

John Donne



What a strange world where loving yourself isn’t second nature. Perhaps everyone is born with the capacity to love themselves, but the vagaries of life steal attention from this sacred task. Luckily, with a little awareness and effort, you can consciously reconnect with the gift of loving yourself.


Take a moment and ask: How do I show myself love?


If you already use self-acceptance, gentleness, positive self-talk; if you rest when you are weary, eat when you are hungry, go off alone when you crave solitude, welcome company when you seek connection; in other words, if you habitually nurture your mind, body and spirit congratulate yourself. You are in the minority.


If treating yourself lovingly, kindly, and patiently does not come naturally, you might want to write a list of 100 things you could do to show how much you cherish yourself.


There is a special technique for this exercise.

Title the first page: 100 Ways I Show Myself Love
Number the lines from 1-100.
Set a timer for 20 minutes.
Write as fast as you can without pausing.
You may repeat things as often as they occur to you.


When you are done notice major themes. How many times did the same thing come up? By writing a list of 100, it’s easy to take a percentage of the most frequently occurring items and see which ones really speak to you. The next step is to do those on a regular basis.


As the yogis say: What we practice we become. If you practice paying attention to what you body-mind-spirit wants or needs and provide it, not only will you get in the habit of attending to yourself; but, you will notice cues sooner, be more in touch emotionally, and take time to rejuvenate before you start running on fumes.


Adult life is full of responsibilities that require time and energy. It’s all too easy to let your to-do list take precedence over your desire for stillness and self-replenishing. Once you commit to a daily dose of self-care you will be amazed at how time will suddenly expand to allow for revitalization.


This is a far cry from self-indulgence. Just as sleeping gives you energy for the next day, these activities allow you to pause and pay attention to what you are feeling, thinking, and experiencing. There is an abundance of research showing how mindfulness practices lower blood pressure, increase productivity, boost immune function, and help stabilize moods, all of which benefits everyone in your life.


Here are a few things for which you might find time, even in the busiest of days.


As my friend Stephanie does, every morning and evening, resolve to be good to yourself.


Eat delicious, nourishing food, including dark chocolate. (See: chocolate’s healing powers) It is not just ingesting the chocolate that’s helpful, it’s taking the time to savor it.


Pay attention to your automatic thoughts. Are they self-downing, critical, or negative? If so, consciously replace them with a positive inner dialogue. To jump start this new way of thinking check out: affirmations.


Drink herbal tea. It forces you to slow down and focus on something besides your tasks or thoughts. All hot beverages stimulate your parasympathetic nervous system helping you relax.


Take a three minute break to stare out the window, open a door and breathe in some fresh air, or close your eyes and tune into your breath.


Try a yoga nidra practice. This is an ancient guided meditation that can take from 15-60 minutes and will leave you feeling relaxed and energized.
(There are many to choose from. One of my favorites is available free from Elsie’s Yoga Class, an iTunes podcast. It’s #62 of her offerings.)


Give yourself the gift of long, slow, deep breaths throughout the day.


Spend 10 minutes writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Just the way a bath cleanses your physical body, this practice helps clear the mind.


Regularly re-read your list of 100 Ways I Show Myself Love and do them. If those practices don’t seem helpful, take the time to re-write your list.


Listen to what your heart, mind, and body want, and act on those yearnings.




Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Sound Healing

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One of my favorite healing modalities is sound therapy, since everyone who is not deaf has a cornucopia of experiences with sound. Perhaps, it was the sound of a kind voice, birds chirping, music from their teen years, lullabies, the ebb and flow of the ocean, sacred music, a baby’s laugh, or a lover’s whispers, each carries emotional resonance. The merest reminder of these sounds can trigger a well of feelings and memories. Like a Möbius strip, it becomes impossible to find a beginning or end, since music can be such a synesthetic experience, blending the senses to the point that you actually feel the music physically in your cells or experience it as color. Some synesthetes have been known to even smell or taste sounds.


There are many types of sound healing, and they can be divided into two main groups: passive and active. Passive sound healing involves listening while active sound healing uses the voice.


Today’s foray into sound healing will focus on a technique called Toning that uses the body as an instrument. (Other methods using the voice include chanting, humming, certain types of yogic breath work, like bee breath, and singing.)

Toning was first developed by Laurel Elizabeth Keyes, an author, lecturer and counselor, who died in 1983. Her book, Toning, was published ten years earlier.


Ms. Keyes became convinced of the power of sound as she used it to maintain her own health and that of others, even those far away who didn’t know she was toning for them (a practice similar to intercessory prayer.)


Ms. Keyes was intrigued and inspired by Dorothy Retallack’s famous study of the effects of different types of music on plant movement. When rock music played, the plants leaned away from it at an 80º angle, their root structures became shallow and they produced no flowers. Conversely, plants exposed to classical music actually wrapped their vines around the radio, their roots were strong and plentiful, and their foliage luxuriant. While we are not plants, plants and people are made up of a large portion of water. It may be the water molecules reacting to sound in this manner. (If anyone has seen the movie “What the Bleep Do We Know,” you may recall the amazing photographs of water molecules that had been exposed to different types of sound from rock music to yelling, to classical music.) It seems quite probable that music, voice, or noise can have a salutary or deleterious effect on the listener. From there, it’s only a baby step to harnessing the power of sound to heal physically and emotionally. Ms. Keyes called this sonar acupuncture.


Ms. Keyes also talked about the beneficial effects of groaning on pain relief. Perhaps, you have experienced this yourself when you had a stomachache or a sprained ankle? Groaning, or cursing, can actually release tension. It’s bad enough to experience pain, but when we respond by tensing our muscles, we only make it worse. Toning, moaning, or groaning lets out extra energy and stimulates circulation (especially, when the sound is directed toward a painful part of the body) and may release some muscular tension.


We are all made of molecules moving at various rates of speed, depending on whether they are the air in our lungs, the cells of our bones, blood, muscles, skin, brain matter, etc. Movement produces vibration. Think of a bee’s wings moving so rapidly they produce an audible buzz. It is possible that all the molecules in our body produce sound but they are inaudible to the human ear. By creating sound through groans and tones, we can mobilize our cells into more harmony or dissonance, depending on the sound and the intention behind it.


Here are some basic instructions on Toning:


1. Relax the body while standing, sitting or lying down. It helps to let yourself breathe deeply into the diaphragm, relax the shoulders, and allow the jaw to drop a little as the tongue settles.


2. Groan, allow the sound to rise, and let go. The sound can meander wherever it wants to, until it manifests as a high, flawless note. You may need to experiment with different sounds (groaning, moaning, humming), and raising or lowering the note until it stabilizes.


3. You may want to experiment with the vowel sounds: AAh, Oh, Ooh, and Eee while you notice where in your body you feel the tones resonate. Yogis have been using Om or Aum for millennia. Try a few rounds of it at various notes to experience an oasis of deep calm. Om is said to be the sound of everything on earth.


Ms. Keyes liked to think of Toning as an “inner cleansing.” She suggested practicing every morning.


You may also enjoy “Awakening Through Sound” by Chloe Goodchild. It’s an excellent CD course on the transformative power of sound and voice. You can find it as a download from http://www.soundstrue.com. If you add your name to their mailing list they will send you emails with great savings opportunities.


Copyright Nicole S. Urdang