Holistic Divorce Counseling

Archives for 2009

How To Accept Anger and Use It To Your Advantage

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“Resistance is futile.”

The Borg




Most people are born with a resistance gene.  We fight anything we don’t like, or isn’t ego-gratifying, with a vengeance. When our life is in the blender, spinning around like a whirling dervish on crack, we resist.  We swim against the tide, rather than let go and allow it to carry us downstream. The Borg had it right: resistance is futile.  So why do we persist in fighting what is? The ego desires control, whatever the cost. How many of us blurt something out because we want to feel 15 seconds’ worth of power rather than experience some temporary impotence if we held our tongue? We act in haste and repent at leisure, as my father used to say. Why? Because for those few seconds we feel empowered. Unfortunately, it’s a bit like Ursula, the Sea Witch in The Little Mermaid. At the end of the movie she has become a huge monster, bloated with power who bursts to death as that fury explodes. Of course, before she dies, she feels mighty strong. That’s the seductive part of unleashing our rage, and what often drives us to compulsively repeat our old pattern, even if it ends up in self-destruction.


Usually, I exhort you to feel your feelings; but, you can honor where you are without inflicting your anger on others. It is your choice. However, when the ego is in charge, it’s hard to pick the long-term joy in favor of the short-term pain that often comes with restraint. In the heat of the moment, controlling one’s little six year old inside is only likely to happen if  she knows you will take care of her. Unfortunately, that is often not the case.


How many of us really devote the time and energy to healing the little child inside?  The one who was criticized, bullied, or mistreated. Coddling that little one may feel silly, frivolous, or self-indulgent, but nothing could be further from the truth. Reassuring her that she can count on you to put her needs first, enables the adult you to rise to whatever challenge appears. When the little one inside doesn’t trust you to put her first, the adult feels less secure. In normal day-today interactions, this is not such a big deal; but, when we feel threatened, our first line of defense is the more primitive part, the inner six-year old.  If you have befriended her, in a loving way, by repeatedly showing her you will keep her safe and healthy (in all areas of life, like: sleeping enough, eating well, exercising, talking gently, and setting good boundaries), she will begin to trust the adult side of you and not need to get all those goodies from someone else. In other words, she can be less dependent on others because the adult you reliably gives her what she wants. The only way that little child will cooperate is if she feels secure that the adult living with her 24/7 is trustworthy; and that path is paved with TLC. Otherwise, she will take her victories where she can get them, even if that’s to her long-term detriment. (For example, she might enter relationships that are not in her best interests to get attention or love.)


The little one will be inside as long as you live. It is never too late to develop her trust.  Once she trusts you, you can deal with other people’s behavior more effectively. What they do, no matter how misguided, hurtful, or oblivious, is less threatening, because you are less needy. Your inner child knows you will take care of her so she’s not on the defensive, and can relax.




Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Reaching Out During Times of Stress, Divorce, or Grief

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Whether you have been good at asking for help in the past, or not, now is the time to reach out.  When you experience a loss through death, the dissolution of a relationship, or transformation, grief engenders two primal desires.  One seeks solitude to nurse the wounds, while the other asks for company, someone to bear witness to the pain.

How is it that such seemingly contradictory desires bring solace? Each offers a different way to vent and heal. When alone, you can be completely uninhibited. Paradoxically, with a witness you connect even though you’re suffering from a searing disconnection.

As always, the number one imperative is giving yourself a cosmic permission slip to feel your feelings. Then, seek solitude, or companionship, whatever seems right in the moment. Grief is a consummate shape-shifter.  One day you crave company and the next shun it. Allow yourself to vacillate, depending on your mood.

If you have always been the independent sort, it can be incredibly hard to ask for help.  Perhaps, you were typically the giver, and secretly thought it weak to ask for help. You couldn’t be more mistaken. It takes strength to show your vulnerability. But habit is not your only roadblock, the ego is a bit of a tyrant and can also get in the way, especially if it thinks it’s being demoted. It is. Your psyche and soul get first place in this pas de deux with grief. Let the ego gain gratification from recognizing how courageous it is to do what you fear: picking up the phone and asking for what you want.

There is always someone with whom you can speak. If it’s 3:00AM you can call Crisis Services (or your local hotline).  Try logging on to Yahoo Groups and take advantage of a virtual support community, they are available 24/7.  If you have a bit more time, find a local group that deals with your particular loss.  Call a therapist (goodtherapy.org is a wonderful non-pathologizing resource). The crucial thing is connecting to someone compassionate.

This may sound obvious, but consciously choose people who will listen and be supportive. Now is not the time to consort with challenging friends or family. The last thing you need is to feel defensive about your process. Remember, there’s no right way to go through a crisis. There’s only your way, and you create it one breath at a time.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Fearless Open-Heartedness: Risks and Rewards

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Yes, you’re right.  If you open your heart you risk getting hurt.  But, what’s the alternative?  A life devoid of love and passion?  How alluring is that?  The illusion of safety may be appealing, but over-protection usually leads to isolation.  Is there a way to shield yourself and still be receptive?  Not that I know of.  However, if you pay attention you are more likely to see the warning lights. You know them.  The ones that signal danger ahead: proceed at your own risk. It’s easy to close your eyes when the first flickers appear, and even ignore blazing lights, but awareness can lead to protection, so listen to those gut feelings.

In the past, inertia, or blind optimism, may have motivated you to quiet those inner voices. Perhaps, you persevered until it was untenable.  At some point, you faced what you were trying to avoid and were thrust into a new reality, both frightening and exhilarating.  Now, even though you have been hurt, you feel compelled to be open, because the alternative is to live a diminished life.  I’m not suggesting rushing head-long into a relationship.  I am advising embracing life with enlightened open-heartedness tempered with self-protection and awareness.

If you let your passion have free reign it can feel like a freight train running over everything in its path.  That’s the time to remember to slow down. We all want what we want when we want it, and pausing, delaying gratification, is almost un-American.  We have been steeped in the idea that we have to immediately scratch every itch. If we are middle-aged, or older, it’s even easier to justify that orientation because time’s a wasting.  Carpe diem is the name of the game.  But, allowing a pause enables you to go forward with your eyes open.  Whether you choose instant gratification, or waiting, you know you have made your decision consciously.

If you’re female, once you have opened the door to your heart everything rushes in.  This is your biological destiny.  Women are all about containment.  You keep menstrual blood in for weeks every month, gestate a fetus nine months, manufacture milk until the baby is weaned, and last but not least, if heterosexual, you literally take a man in. Men, on the other hand, are all about expulsion, sexually.  Their very survival as a species depends on expelling sperm, while for women it is all about holding things in. Naturally, these biological imperatives effect our psyche big time.  Women are predisposed to hold on emotionally, and men to let go.  That’s a crucial difference, and it’s hard-wired.  You can be the most evolved person on the face of the earth, and these primal templates will govern your actions more than you might like to admit.

So, if you’re a man reading this guarding your heart comes more naturally.  You don’t have to consciously protect yourself as much emotionally, because you’re predisposed to not let things in.  Of course, you can suffer loss, but it’s to a different degree.  You are made to let go, release, and move on.  Women are designed to take care of their brood until they can be fully fledged, and that inclines them to stay connected. Disconnection, even from a bad situation, is still wrenching for most women.  (See Phantom Marriage Syndrome.)

If you choose to live and love know the risks.  An open heart is is a wonderful thing and can bring great passion and joy, but sometimes, you will be burned.  You don’t have to be rejected to feel hurt, being the rejector is just as painful.  We end relationships for all sorts of reasons: fear of intimacy, fear of vulnerability, and fear of ultimately being hurt, are the big ones; but, sometimes, we simply outgrow a partner, or learn of a betrayal.  Not everyone is evolving in the same way or on the same schedule.  Some people actually devolve and go back to a more infantile state.  It really doesn’t matter what the reason is.  Even if it’s the best decision you could possibly make there will still be feelings of grief and loss.

Be brave.  Open your heart.  Take risks.  One day you will drop the body, as they say in India. Until then, why not experience the fullness of life?

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Post Divorce: How to Ask For Help, Even When You Don’t Like To

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There are different types of safety, but the most important one is the safe, secure feeling you can create within yourself.  When coupled, whether due to two incomes, another breathing body next to yours, or the sense that someone is there for you, it is easier to feel supported and cared for.  Once on your own you eventually face the reality of being solely responsible for yourself.

Of course, there may be friends and family; but, if you were part of a couple for years, you are now entering foreign territory. Even if you never really felt your mate had your back, you may still feel a loss of the illusion that someone was there.   It’s not uncommon to deny what we don’t want to see, so if your partner was there in body only you may not have consciously acknowledged that until your actual separation or divorce.

At first, this seems like its own Shakespearean tragedy; but, in time, you’ll realize you can manage just fine.  Many people have actually said they felt more secure after a divorce because they knew they could count on themselves and didn’t delude themselves with the fantasy that their mate would protect, soothe, or rescue them.  In fact, there are countless people who had very scary experiences while partnered where their significant other was absent or useless.  I know of women who underwent serious surgery and took care of themselves, people who were robbed while their mate slept soundly, or partners who secretly squandered the family’s money leaving no reserves.  But even in those situations, the illusion of the mate as safety net dies hard.

Remarkably, in most cases, you will find friends, neighbors, colleagues, and family who will give you more support than you were actually getting from your partner.  The trick here is to swallow your false pride and actually ask for help.  That may be a radical departure from your typical M.O., but it will build a coterie of people on whom you can depend. Some may be paid, like a great plumber or electrician, and some may offer their help gratis.  You’ll want both.  Whether you were partnered with someone who helped shoulder life’s burdens or you were the major domo, the situation is different now.  Be brave and ask for support.  Paradoxically, it will make you stronger.

We’re all fed a mantra of independence that goes back to Pioneer days, when the truth is interdependence is far more satisfying; but, if you’re out of practice, asking for help can feel like a Herculean task. Bite the bullet and ask, anyway. Couples have a tendency to become so isolationist that potential support can seem as elusive as a mirage, but it’s there.  You just have to reach out. In time, asking gets easier. Experiment.  Request a favor from someone.  See what happens.  Undoubtedly, you will be happy to have the help and they will feel useful. You would help them if they needed it, so why not give them the opportunity to assist you?  Let cooperation, rather than independence, be your new watchword.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Post-Divorce Relationships With Adult Children

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It is wise to remember that the prefrontal cortex, where most higher level thinking takes place, isn’t fully developed until the mid-late twenties. Therefore, young adults, even those with jobs, relationships, and kids of their own are very likely to make foolish decisions. They may side with one parent (typically, the one whose love they feel less sure of; or, who seems needier), keep secrets (i.e. betray one parent), and may even completely avoid contact.  All of these behaviors cause extreme pain, heartache, and despair. They don’t have to, but it’s a rare soul who can detach sufficiently during the crisis of divorce to maintain a long-term perspective.

 

One would think the rending of a marriage would be enough misery, but when children play favorites, shun you, betray you, or are simply too wrapped up in thier own lives to support you, it can often feel far worse than your divorce.  After all, they are your flesh and blood, your mate is not.

 

Hackneyed though it may be: Time does heal almost all wounds. Meanwhile, here are some things you can do to hasten the reconciliation process between you and your adult child.

 

Persevere. Don’t get in your child’s face, but gently, lovingly, and with regularity, show your love. Email, text, send notes, care packages (not self-help books, unless requested), mad money, invitations to come for dinner, anything your child might like.  This is not bribery. You’re not buying them a car,  you’re just making small gestures to show your involvement and love. Don’t give up, no matter how little positive feedback you get in return.  Consistency and repetition are key to teaching them the embedded lesson: you may be divorced from their other parent, but you didn’t divorce them—whatever they put you through. For them, it was unchartered territory. They had no template to work from, and may have made mistakes. We all do. Use this as an opportunity, if you are ready, to forgive them.

 

Be honest and speak from your heart-mind.  The best way to imagine that place is to think of your mind descending into your heart.  That’s where you’ll find the right answer. Pretending that you are fine if you’re not is no favor to anyone; nor, is it a good example.  Let them see your humanity. Show them you are congruent: you are the same inside and outside.  Kids have excellent B.S. detectors. They will intuit the truth. So, if you’re in pain, don’t pretend life is peachy. By revealing your real thoughts and feelings you give them permission to tell you theirs.  

 

Once you open the door, they may ask all sorts of questions.  Explain how you are still deconstructing your marriage and haven’t figured it all out. So, whatever you say could change tomorrow; but, be honest about where you are in that moment.

 

Take responsibility and apologize for all the collateral damage to them.  (Here’s a quick primer from Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. on how to apologize: Admit your responsibility. Express remorse. Acknowledge damage. Promise not do it again.)  

 

Reiterate how wonderful and lovable they are. The divorce wasn’t related to anything they did or didn’t do. 

 

Reassure them that marriage is still a good way to experience family life, though not the only way. Remind them that you are glad you had them and there were many happy times watching them grow up.

 

Make sure they know they won’t be eclipsed by a future mate’s children, or babies you might still have with someone else.  The best way to do this is to keep them front and center by spending time with them, either in person, on the phone, or virtually.

 

Let them be supportive of you. It’s empowering and makes them feel respected; but, do your best not to lean on them 24/7.

 

Be patient with their process.  It is difficult, but, whenever you can, take the long view.  However they might be behaving in the moment, underneath, they undoubtedly want a relationship with both their parents.  It’s a lot easier than cutting someone off, which creates a boat load of cognitive dissonance.   

 

If you aren’t ready for any of the above suggestions let that be OK.  Honor where you are through unconditionally loving and accepting yourself. Understand you’re in a state of flux. Your thoughts, feelings, and actions will change, and so will theirs.

 

 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

How to Handle: “Get over it already.”

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There seems to be a prevailing philosophy that all grief should disappear in a short time.  Its mantra, “Get over it already,” is uttered incessantly, whether you just broke-up, lost a job, had an accident, or buried a loved one. What’s the rush, and whose healing schedule are you on? Surely, not theirs. Grief work (which can include anger, anxiety, depression, remorse, resentment, and feelings of worthlessness) has no timetable.  It is as unique as your fingerprint; yet, there seems to be this belief that moving on as fast as possible is the only right way.  Of course, with this mandate saturating our culture, anyone who takes his or her time to fully grieve is left with the double whammy of having endured whatever sparked the grief and feeling like a failure because they haven’t “gotten over it” yet.

We all know plenty of people mask their misery with drugs, alcohol, random sex, and a plethora of other addictions. Could this possibly be healthier than dealing with it? In some circles as long as someone keeps their pain under wraps, and puts on a happy face, everyone can just party hearty.  After all, it’s no fun being around a grief-stricken soul; and it’s even worse feeling ineffectual because you can’t make them happier.  No wonder there’s such a deep societal desire to “get over it already.”

So, what is the best response to: “Aren’t you over that already?” (Especially, when it’s delivered in a tone that seems to imply, “What’s wrong with you?” and, puts you on the defensive).  In a perfect world, where everyone has their wits about them 24/7, it might be utter silence accompanied by a slightly quizzical look. This would circumvent the the knee-jerk defensive response to what sounds like a criticism.  A simple “No” might suffice, but you risk the person replying with, “Well, you should be!”  If there’s a little two year old inside you, and there is in almost all adults, he or she is likely to take offense at being told what to do.

Henry Ford II once said, “Never explain, never complain.”  Perhaps that’s the best guide. Unfortunately, if the person exhorting you to “get over it” is a close friend or relative, you might feel a vested interest in sharing your true thoughts and feelings, if for no other reason than not having them ever utter those words to you again. You might even share how you’ve decided to give yourself a cosmic permission slip to take all the time you need to process your grief.

If you’re feeling particularly honest, you could say: “When you ask that question I feel denigrated and judged,”  letting your comment hang in the air and putting the onus on the other person to respond.

Or, you might try: “One of the things this whole experience has taught me is that I can take whatever time I need to let go and forgive. I may never completely get over this. I’ve decided to make that OK, too.”

Then there’s the very direct approach: “I don’t find that a helpful question,” or, “Please don’t ask me that.”

I generally like to assume the best (or, at least some neutral motivation) on the part of people saying, “Aren’t you over that, already?”  Perhaps, they want to propel you to healing faster, because they don’t like seeing you in pain or they feel helpless in assuaging your misery. It really is all about what they think and feel, and their projection of what they believe they would do if in your shoes.  While understanding the genesis of their comment can be helpful, it doesn’t really solve the problem of the best response.  Clearly, that depends on your mood, with whom you are speaking, and your stage of grief. (Contrary to what Elizabeth Kubler Ross said, those stages do not follow linearly, and can come back to haunt you in all sorts of disorderly and unpredictable ways.)

You could say, “Perhaps, if you had this experience (divorce, break-up, death of a loved one) you would have already worked through your grief, but I haven’t. Part of my journey is making it safe to allow my feelings to evolve.”

A deeper issue here is having the courage of your convictions and the confidence to express them.  The only way to build confidence is by doing difficult things.  Assertively standing up for yourself can be very challenging, especially when you feel beaten down by life; but, that’s the time to practice speaking your truth. It will not only build confidence, but you might feel a new lightness from unburdening yourself and being authentic.

In a perfect world, people might have the sensitivity and awareness to say, “I am so sorry this situation is painful and difficult for you,” and just leave it at that.  But, if they continue to say, Aren’t you over that already?” perhaps responding with: “I appreciate your desire to see an end to my suffering. Thank you for your sympathy and concern.” could be liberating, and keep you from reacting defensively.

No one likes to feel judged, put-down, or chastised. If you know that question pushes your buttons it’s best to get away from it as quickly as possible, especially with acquaintances.  If you want to explain how you really feel to friends or family, that’s different as you have a long-standing bond with them, and presumably many years of relationship ahead.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang