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Archives for 2009

From Loss To Liberation

October 29, 2009 by Nicole Urdang



Willing to experience aloneness,
I discover connection everywhere;
Turning to face my fear,
I meet the warrior who lives within;
Opening to my loss,
I am given unimaginable gifts;
Surrendering into emptiness,
I find fullness without end.

Each condition I flee from pursues me.
Each condition I welcome transforms me
And becomes itself transformed….

Jennifer Welwood


The positive aspects of loss may not be immediately apparent, but they do exist. I am not talking so much about the old saw: what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but the liberation that comes with losing a relationship, a job, even a coveted aspect of one’s health. At first, this may sound absurd. What liberation? But, in time, life strips you of your illusions, and you come face to face with your demons. The thing you feared the most happens. It might be the death of a loved one, illness, financial hardship, or divorce. You think you’ll implode, explode, or become catatonic; but, no matter how you react initially, you usually end up coping. The very act of dealing with catastrophe liberates you from the old fear that you wouldn’t be able to stand X, Y, or Z.



At some point after the initial shock has passed, you may find yourself feeling a freedom that is so deeply pervasive it’s overwhelming. The unbearable lightness of being, Milan Kundera called it. Simply too heady to contemplate, let alone assimilate. Yet, like so many things in life you didn’t think you could bear, you slowly adjust to this internal vastness and possibility. Sometimes, you react with the old fear; but, more typically, you feel some heady delight in your ability to cope. With each passing month you find you can make decisions more easily because you understand yourself better.



The thing you feared the most is a gateway to your liberation.  The “shoulds” commandeering your life no longer have any sway, as they are overridden by self-knowledge. Even when you may not know what exactly you want you are open to discovering it through experimentation.


By cultivating patience for yourself and the process of envisioning, creating, and navigating your new life,  you can actually see how loss opens you up. Not only for new experiences, but for a better relationship with your own sweet self.



Major change is akin to dying and being reborn; neither is easy, but both are necessary if you are to move forward. By going through the dark, whether it’s anger, grief, anxiety, or despair, you clarify what you want. Each time you encounter something you don’t want it helps refine your desires.


Fighting against loss, and the grief it engenders, slows your progress.  However, it may be a necessary part of your healing, so allow whatever comes.  It won’t last. Eventually, you will get more comfortable with the ebb and flow of life, moving towards acceptance.


Once you relinquish the notion that any transformation should be quick and easy, you can fully allow what is happening in this moment.  The minute you lessen your resistance to reality you open yourself up to myriad possibilities.  That’s when things change for the better. Your optimism and open-heartedness bring new avenues of joy, meaning, and fulfillment.


Life is flux, whether it is obvious or not.  What appears to be hibernation and inaction may be a period of necessary downtime to energize you for the next leg of the journey. Things are exactly as they should be; and, as Louise Hay says: “Everything is happening for your highest good.”


Today, while being stalked by fear, loneliness, or grief, you may not be aware of the mechanism through which your highest good will manifest. By adopting Louise’s assumption you acquire the necessary faith to carry on.


Liberation from your old ways is challenging and frightening because it is new.  Whatever or whomever you were dealing with before was familiar.  Allow yourself to adjust to these changes. Whether they are from divorce, death, illness, or an empty nest, take all the time you need to get comfortable.  Be patient and compassionate as you adapt in your own unique way.



Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Filed Under: Divorce

Frazzled & Overwhelmed: Post Divorce, or Any Other Time

October 23, 2009 by Nicole Urdang



During major life changes it is easy to feel raw, brittle, and overwhelmed by all the details that need your attention.  Some people become numb when faced with a tsunami of decisions and tasks, and some amp up their activity. It’s not so much how you manifest your inner frenzy, but what you can do to tame it.



In a divorce, there are literally dozens, if not hundreds of details that require attention.  The same is true if you are dealing with liquidating an estate, or navigating the initial chaos of a newly diagnosed medical problem.



Everyone handles things differently. There are those predisposed to procrastinate, and others who obsessively conquer each issue as it comes up.  If you are in the latter category, all is well until things accrue faster than you can handle them. No matter what your personal style, at some point you will feel over-cooked.  If you are a procrastinator you can develop a nagging 24/7 semi-conscious vigilance where you’re not consciously aware of all the details you’re neglecting, but they are still eating away at you. Paradoxically, that takes up cranium space just the way it does for someone who attends to everything as it comes up. Either way is stressful when there are more things to do than time in which to do them. So, there is no way of avoiding some measure of stress when taking care of a slew of details, many of which need immediate attention.



The following suggestions to lessen the negative impact of all this stress are even more important if you are a highly sensitive soul, for you will feel everything more acutely.



On the battlefield, they use a system called triage: wounded soldiers are sorted and allocated treatment according to a system of priorities designed to maximize the number of survivors. It’s usually based on dividing them up into three categories.  You can use a similar strategy by separating your tasks into those that need immediate attention, those that can wait a day or two, and those that can be on hold for a while.



Get plenty of sleep. Take naps, if you can, as even five minutes of closing your eyes can be restorative. If you need a little help sleeping, try some of the remedies in the Herbal and Homeopathic Helpers section. Lemon Balm, aka Melissa, can quell those repetitive thoughts than can be so intrusive.



Don’t skip meals. Low blood sugar just adds to an already crankocidal state of mind.



Try Rescue Remedy and other Bach remedies. Walnut, is especially suited to major life changes. Other essences may work well with your personality. There is a questionnaire online at: www.1-800homeopathy.com/enews/bachquestionnaire.html



Remind yourself: this too shall pass. You won’t always be dealing with lawyers, papers, or household decisions; certainly not to this degree.



Take breaks for fun:

Get outside in the fresh air every day.

Watch something silly on TV.

See or call a friend.

Listen to some upbeat music, unless that’s too much stimulation.



Avoid excess use of alcohol. Hangovers won’t help you feel energetic.

Use an eye pillow, especially one with lavender, as it will shut out the light, stimulate the oculo-cardiac reflex and help you relax. Even a few minutes of lying down with an eye pillow can reset your nervous system to rest and digest.



Talk to yourself in ways that shore up your resolve: I can do whatever I have to, it’s only temporary, the best is yet to come, etc. (See Affirmations & Litany of Love)



Resist the urge to try to figure everything out. Some things may never make sense, some things will make sense now, and some things will make sense later on when you have a bit of perspective. People’s behavior and motivation may always be a mystery. Let go of your desire to understand it all.



Stay in the moment. Mindfully do whatever you are doing right this moment. Trust yourself and the universe. You will get to everything else in due time. Paradoxically, slowing down actually helps you accomplish more with less stress. Staying present and focused calms your mind.



Get some exercise. Walking and yoga reset the brain to homeostasis, creating more inner balance. Exercise will also release endorphins, those helpful little feel-good chemicals.



Breathe consciously, slowly and deeply. (See Breath work for more suggestions)



Limit what you can. Resist taking on anything extra. You will have plenty of time for that later.



If you are a perfectionist this is a great opportunity to “dare to be average.” You don’t need the added stress of telling yourself you have to get through this challenge elegantly. Just getting through it is enough.



Listen to yourself. Others may say you need to get out, party hearty, or take a vacation. Maybe what you need is solitude, a quiet evening, extra sleep, or chocolate.



Activity does not mean frenzied activity. You can live and consciously dial things back by: reminding yourself it will all get done, and making a list so things aren’t swimming around in your brain 24/7.



Following these suggestions will not only make you feel better, and more in control, it will also shore up your immune system.





Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Filed Under: Divorce, Overwhelm, Stress

Nature Sounds

October 23, 2009 by Nicole Urdang

I recently came across one of the bargains of the century on my favorite site: amazon.com

Searching for discs with nature sounds I found dozens of very long-playing CDs, 50-70 minutes each, for between $.89-.99

Just go to MP3 downloads and type in nature sounds. You can preview each one before buying it.

These can be a wonderful adjunct to your meditation practice, as well as a sleep aid.

Filed Under: Meditation

Affirmations To Help You through Divorce, Break-Up, or Life Transitions

October 22, 2009 by Nicole Urdang

DIRECTIONS:

Make your sweet self a cup of tea or hot chocolate.

Sit somewhere private and comfortable.

Read the following sentences aloud in your most loving, gentle voice.

I will be OK.

I feel devastated, but I will be fine.

I may not be able to see it right now, but everything will work out for my highest good.

There’s so much to learn.

I am becoming wiser and more compassionate with myself every day.

No matter how difficult things feel, the universe is supporting me.

I can let myself fully grieve. Grief is a shape-shifter: one minute I may feel furious and the next I could be bargaining for my old life back.  Five seconds later, I’m blue. I  can embrace it all.  It’s my path to transformation.

Divorce is a cosmic hazing and it’s only natural to feel emotionally depleted. It’s temporary.  In time, I will feel better than ever.

I am constantly evolving into my true self.

Up and down, up and down.  The roller coaster of emotion seems never ending, but it will stabilize.

I allow my tears to flow, as they are nature’s detoxifiers.

I will be joyful again.  Even now, amidst the turmoil, there are moments of grace.

I am doing remarkably well.

I will get to the other side when I’m ready.

I can love myself right now, exactly as I am.

I may not like what is true for me now, but I can handle it.

I can allow myself to be rocked to my core, it’s appropriate.

Nature can always be a refuge: a leaf, a tree, the sky, I let them remind me of life’s glories.

I ask God/Spirit to walk with me.

In the midst of chaos, I am healing.

I am using this crisis as a catalyst for growth.

I am gentler and kinder to myself than ever before.

I  will be happier than I can imagine.

Suffering is just as vital a part of life as joy; I’m here to experience everything.

I make it safe to feel all my feelings.

There is so much love for me in the world.

My soul shines amidst the chaos: luminous and beautiful.





Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Filed Under: Divorce

Challenge Your Values To Change Your Perspectiv

September 30, 2009 by Nicole Urdang

 Everyone goes through cycles of peace and unease. If a value you have held for years no longer increases your peace, if it keeps you stuck in some unhelpful place or mind-set, it may be time to release it.

 

Values prop up your sense of self, your ego. It can be strengthening to think:

I have good values.

My values tell the world who I am.

I adhere to my values.

I am consistent in my beliefs.

My beliefs are moral and elevate me above others.

As values are things you hold in high esteem, if you commit yourself to them, by extension, you hold yourself in high esteem.

The threat inherent in change, especially when it concerns your cherished, deeply held beliefs, is that you will lose a part of yourself, and your connection to the cadre of others who share them. But over-identification with your values can stunt your personal growth.

Values give you a template for living; however, circumstances can change requiring a shift in your world-view. Perhaps, it is better to value openness to life, even though it is a far riskier place to dwell. Allowing for change means you will feel raw, exposed and vulnerable as things flow and morph into something new.

Luckily, you are much more than your values. The fullness and complexity of your true self dwarfs the handful of ideas you clutch so tightly. As if there could be a hard and fast guide to life. Instead: Be the witness. Watch your life unfold. Allow the mystery. Cultivate curiosity.Embrace change. Emerson was right when he said, “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” In other words, sticking to your guns may afford you a sense of security, but ultimately redound to your detriment by limiting your experiences and growth.

Holding on to a value or belief that has outlived its usefulness stands in the way of your own development. Even worse, you inflict psychic pain on yourself by perpetuating a deep, inner conflict between an unhelpful ideal and what is real. In the past, that belief was probably very useful, both pragmatically and in bolstering your identity. Now, as you find yourself in a new stage of life, some beliefs may impede your becoming the person you want to be. For example: If you believe divorce is to be avoided at all costs, you may live out the rest of your life in an unhappy union.

The desire for a black and white world is a relic from your childhood. Intellectually, you know things are all shades of gray, but that old habit of thinking dichotomously loves rules for living. The clear cut parameters of how to behave are comforting to the little child inside. The adult you is capable of much more. You can discern all the colors in the spectrum, which allows for a greater appreciation of differences, including the difference between your thinking at age ten, twenty, or fifty. Your mind is large enough to contemplate many ways to think and live, not just the ones you have experienced.

To be alive is to change. Let go of useless beliefs. They only stunt your growth. As you progress through life different things will be more or less meaningful. For example: Most people think killing is bad; however, in a war, or to protect yourself, killing is allowable. Different circumstances demand tweaking, or radically shifting, your beliefs.

For most people, when you took your marriage vows you believed it would be until death. But, life intruded and people change. The question to ask yourself when contemplating a shift in values is: “What will this new way of thinking say about me?” If you believe it makes you a bad, or less worthy, person, it will. If you believe it is part of your maturation process, you will grow and evolve. Superseding the ego isn’t easy. It does not like being eclipsed by anything, including new ideas it has propped itself up on for years. You are in charge. You can make the ego take a time-out while you explore other ways of looking at the world.

If sticking to your values means you die inside (and martyrs have done that since time immemorial) you’re choosing from fear and rigidity. Francois de la Rochefoucauld said, “The only thing constant in life is change.” Defy it and you will wither.

Sometimes, perfectionistic thinking bars the way to greater emotional freedom and peace. Sticking to your guns can be a rigid, absolutistic approach to life. By thinking things like: “I must adhere to my values or my life will fall apart. I won’t be safe without these rules for living. People will think less of me. I will have no moral compass.” You perpetuate the ideas that keep you mired in old ways of acting and reacting to new life circumstances.

People will always think what they want. You have no control over them. You can control what you think about yourself and, luckily, that’s the most important thing. There may not be a visible path through this journey, but if you trust your intuition, the melding of your heart and mind, you will find your way. It’s scary and there are demons, but every great quest is fraught with challenges. You can do it. Trust the universe, trust yourself, trust the process; and, when you can’t—just breathe.

 

If you would like to take a fairly quick values clarification test, try this: https://personalvalu.es/

 

 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Filed Under: Inner work

Reclaim Your Power

September 29, 2009 by Nicole Urdang

 

 

“He who controls others may feel powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.”    Lao Tzu in the Tao Te Ching 

 

“When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.”   Anonymous

 

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”   Alice Walker

 

 

It is so easy to relinquish your power to someone or something. With addictions, you surrender your power to a substance, or an activity. With people, you allow others to decide how you will feel and behave.

 

Next time you feel lousy, ask yourself:

 

Am I handing my power over to someone or something?

 

If so, reclaim it!  Consciously decide to take it back. Remind yourself: no one and no thing is the boss of you. 

 

In the moment, you may feel weak, sad, impotent, angry, worthless, anxious, or something else. Luckily, a feeling isn’t a fact. The truth is, even if you are feeling downright awful you can still reclaim your power.

 

Start with the suggestion above. If you are not ready for that just let yourself sit with whatever you are feeling. Use your power to make it OK to be where you are now. Give yourself that gift, rather than the self-inflicted punishment that comes from fighting what is. It may not feel good, but it’s fine and you can stand it. It won’t last.

 

When you are in a different frame of mind, tackle the larger issue. Do you really want a substance or activity controlling your life? Do you enjoy letting people push your buttons? Of course not.

 

If someone says something that catalyzes a negative reaction, use paradoxical intention and agree with them. This is the last thing they expect, and the opposite of what you have previously done; but, it is incredibly empowering. Set aside your doubt that this incongruent technique will work and try it. Scour their comment for something with which you can honestly agree. Saying it will immediately take the wind out of their sails and you will feel in control.

 

Practice assertiveness. The essence of assertiveness is repetition. You don’t need to reinvent the wheel with each reason why you won’t do what someone wants you to. Just say something like: “I have other plans.” When the person responds with, “Oh, come on, what could be so important that you don’t want to do X, Y, or Z?” Just say, “I know you’re disappointed, but I have other plans.” It doesn’t matter what your plans are. They could be staring into space, eating a brownie really slowly, or cleaning out your garage. It’s irrelevant. There’s something else you want to do. You don’t owe anyone an explanation of why you’re choosing it over spending time with them. Taking care of yourself and doing your heart’s desire will make you, and everyone you come in contact with, happier. If you really enjoy this person’s company suggest another time; otherwise, get off the phone or away from them ASAP. 

 

Many people have trouble being assertive because they don’t believe they can ask for, and get, what they want. This is the time to fake it ’til you make it. Think of someone you know who is assertive and pretend you are that person. How would she handle this situation?

 

No one likes giving a response they know will be met with disappointment, so resist the urge to embellish. Often, this is where people lose their resolve, and allow their friend or family member to influence them.  Unfortunately, the result is you’re doing something you don’t want to do and feeling resentful. If you act assertively, and honestly, your relationships will benefit.  Not only will you feel more self respect, you will give others a cosmic permission slip to ask for what they want by setting an assertive example.  

 

If you have an addiction, get help. There are on-line groups, 12 step meetings, therapists, books, family, and friends waiting for you to reach out. (If you choose to see a therapist make sure they understand addiction and OCD.) Reclaiming your power over yourself is a heady, wonderful experience.

 

Use affirmations to shore up your resolve (see Affirmations, also see Powerlessness, Control, & Acceptance.)

 

We become what we practice, so practice thinking positively.  Assume you will achieve the freedom you want. Picture it. Daydream in detail about a life where you are the captain of your own ship.  Think about anything at which you have succeeded. Didn’t you envision it happening? Then, take advantage of opportunities as they arise. Once you pay attention and focus your energy on what you want doors will open. Actually, they are opening all the time it’s just that your own limiting thoughts of what you can and can’t do, what you can and can’t have, and who you can and can’t be get in the way. Allow goodness, success, peace, and self-confidence to grow by inviting them in. At first, it may be difficult to combat those old notions of how you are and how you can be. Persevere. Show yourself the strength of your resolve. 

 

Recent neuropsychological research suggests we can change our brains; however, it requires lots of repetition. What gets fired gets wired. If you want to re-wire your brain you need to practice new ways of thinking. All forms of cognitive-behavior therapy (including the new age version espoused by the Hicks’), rational-emotive behavior therapy, as well as ancient techniques like yoga and meditation help you think differently. Thinking differently changes your brain chemistry, yielding better feelings. 

 

I know there are times when you feel lower than a snake’s wiggle and it’s easy to succumb to self-downing, depression, anxiety, or hopelessness.  Those feelings come from what you think. Luckily, you get to choose what you want to put in your brain, the same way you can choose which foods to eat.  It may not be second nature, yet, but noticing an unhelpful thought and choosing to think something soothing, uplifting, or energizing can become a habit. Be patient, these cognitive shifts don’t happen quickly, and they can feel awkward when you first attempt them. In time, the process will become automatic.

 

Have faith in your ability to create the life you envision. Practice assuming the best. You will conquer what you want to conquer and achieve what you want to achieve. It may sound counter-intuitive, but you can accept where you are and immerse yourself in positive thoughts at the same time.  Read books that make you feel good, watch the video link (bottom right hand side of this page) Positive Pause, listen to Abraham-Hicks’ CDs, and cultivate that inner smile. You know, the one that naturally spreads across your face when sense all your possibilities.

 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Filed Under: Inner work

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