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Archives for 2008

Create a Vision Board

September 20, 2008 by Nicole Urdang

 

When mired in unhappiness and disappointment it’s hard to imagine a future replete with joy; but, one does exist.  You can jump-start its arrival by creating a vision board.

 

Get a big piece of sturdy cardboard or poster board.  Something that can be leaned against a wall and remain stable.  Gather all the magazines, catalogues, and photos you have lying around the house. Leisurely, go through them, culling those images, words, and text that speak to you. Choose things that are emblematic of how you want your life to be now.  Think of your relationships, work, family, nature, food, travel, home, body, health, hobbies, habits, and spirituality.  You can use anything that triggers a positive thought and feeling.  Create a big collage by cutting these images out and taping or pasting them on your board.  You might want to put the most important things in the center and work your way out to more peripheral desires at the edges.  There is no right way to do this.  Be creative, let yourself go.  Allow the time it takes to think about each item and assess it for inclusion.  This will take hours, but once you get into the flow you’ll find it exhilarating.

 

When your vision board is complete place it somewhere where you will see it, at least, twice a day.  Take the time to look at all your desires. Allow yourself to feel as if they were already true.  Now, with openness to all the opportunities before you, let everything manifest itself.  You will be amazed.

Filed Under: Life enhancers

Losing Friends After A Divorce

September 18, 2008 by Nicole Urdang

We can speculate as to why people drop you when you’re going through a divorce–they’re threatened, they liked your spouse better, they don’t have the energy to support you on your emotional roller coaster–but the reasons are really immaterial.  The bottom line is some people will abandon you in your greatest time of need.  This happens to absolutely everyone going through the dissolution of a marriage.

How to cope is the real question.  See it as an opportunity to flex one of your emotional muscles: the loss muscle. Ideally, we get better at accepting loss as we mature, but most of us go kicking and screaming into this realm because it’s so painful.  We don’t want more practice letting go.  We want to hold on with all our might.  Unfortunately, that only prolongs our pain; and, loss does equal pain.

As the Buddhists say, “The only way out is through.”  Face the fact that you are not unique in this regard: everyone loses friends in a divorce.  But, most people make new ones.  Of course, if you sit home 24/7 you won’t meet people.  Get out, join a group through meetup.com (it’s free and they have groups for every interest from yoga to board games); get active in your church, mosque, or synagogue; go to the gym or walk in your neighborhood; join a divorce support group; amp up your activity in a professional organization; or, just stay home and rant and rave until you’re ready to do some of these things.  You may think that day will never come, but it will.

Perhaps, there’s an old college friend you haven’t spoken with in years.  Call him or her and see if you still click.  With so many people having been divorced you may find a kindred spirit.

Learn to ask for help.  Most of us are excellent at lending a hand to someone else, but balk at appearing needy.  Get over it.  Use this time as a fantastic opportunity to allow others to help you.  In the beginning, you will feel awkward and have cognitive dissonance about reaching out. Stay the course.  It takes guts to ask for help, and to keep asking, but the more support you can get the easier your transition will be.

Be honest.  People don’t have ESP and they can’t know how you’re feeling unless you tell them.  As Randy Pausch said in his Last Lecture: “If I only had three words of advice I could ever give you they would be: Tell the truth.  If I could add three more they would be: All the time.”  The only way you have a chance of getting the loving help you crave is to be brutally honest with yourself and your closest friends.  Putting up a brave front actually prevents people from knowing how much you’re suffering, and keeps them at arms length.

People who have never navigated these waters have no clue what you’re going through.  Accept their ignorance.  It’s not from lack of caring.  They just have no concept of the extent of your grief.  If you want their help you have to educate them.  Let them see how devastating this is for you.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Filed Under: Divorce

Books, Music, Movies & Podcasts For Divorce, Break-Ups, and Self-Soothing

September 17, 2008 by Nicole Urdang

[Read more…] about Books, Music, Movies & Podcasts For Divorce, Break-Ups, and Self-Soothing

Filed Under: Books

Breath Work To Deepen Your Meditation and Create Calm

September 17, 2008 by Nicole Urdang

For thousands of years yogis have known the amazing benefits of breath work.  Science has corroborated these techniques with data about the nervous system; specifically, the ability of certain breath practices to actually switch the body from the sympathetic nervous system (fight, flight, or freeze) to the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest).  As few as five to ten cycles of 4-4-4 breathing can calm one’s body-mind as much as a mild tranquilizer or herbal remedy.

(As with all suggestions on this site, if you have pre-existing health problems or current health concerns, please consult with your physician about the safety and appropriateness of any particular technique.)

BASIC DIAPHRAGMATIC BREATHING:

First, make sure that you are bringing your breath all the way into your diaphragm (the area just below your navel).  The easiest way to develop this ability is to lie on the floor with a rolled up hand towel under your knees (this relaxes the back).  Put one hand on your chest and one on your abdomen.  As you inhale, draw the breath deeply into your abdomen.  The hand there should rise a little, while the hand on your chest should remain stationary. One of the simplest relaxation techniques is to practice this diaphragmatic breathing for 20 minutes with your eyes closed.

The 4-4-4 BREATH is simple but powerful:

Inhale to a very slow count of four.

Hold your breath, calmly, for a very slow count of four.

Exhale to a very slow count of four.

Five to ten cycles should leave you feeling calmer and refreshed.

BREATH BASICS:

Lengthening your exhale enhances calm.

Lengthening your inhale is energizing.

Equalizing the length of inhales and exhales is meditative and sleep inducing.

BOX BREATHING:

Inhale for the count of four.

Hold your breath for the count of four.

Exhale for the count of four.

Hold your breath for the count of four.

THE PHYSIOLOGICAL SIGH:

Inhale two times with the first one longer than the second and exhale through your mouth. Practice this for five minutes.

1:2 and 1:3 BREATH LENGTHENING:

Start by breathing naturally and observing how many counts or beats it takes to inhale and how many to exhale. If your inhales and exhales are not equal, which is the case for many people, consciously and gently equalize them. Once that feels comfortable, increase your exhalations by one count. When that feels easy, increase your exhales by another count. Do this until you reach a ratio of 1:2, with your exhales twice as long as your inhales.

If you feel relaxed with the 1:2 ratio, experiment with a 1:3 ratio, where your exhales are three times as long as your inhales.

Both these techniques engage your parasympathetic nervous system, helping you calmly rest and digest.

VASOVAGAL BREATHING:

Inhale slowly and deeply, hold for 2-3 seconds and exhale slowly.

This helps you switch from sympathetic to parasympathetic.

TAOIST BREATH:

Though quite easy to learn, this is a very relaxing and balancing technique.

Inhale slowly and deeply to your diaphragm through your nose with your mouth closed.

Keeping your mouth closed, exhale 2/3 of your breath through your nose and the last third through your mouth.

Repeat for a minimum of five minutes.

SITALI BREATH:

Sit comfortably or lie on your back with your knees bent and feet on the floor.

Make your mouth a soft “O” shape and roll the sides of your tongue to create a tube shape.

Breathe in slowly and feel the cool air.

Close your mouth, let your tongue relax, and exhale through your nose.

Repeat 5-10 times.

VIRTUAL ALTERNATE NOSTRIL BREATHING:

This is very relaxing as it wonderfully focuses the mind relieving it of most distractions, and engages the parasympathetic nervous system.

Take a deep, slow breath through both nostrils and exhale.

Now, without touching your nose, focus on inhaling through the left nostril and counting ONE

Exhale though the right and count ONE

Inhale through the right, TWO

Exhale through the left, TWO

Inhale through the left, THREE

Exhale through the right, THREE

Inhale through the right, FOUR

Exhale through the left, FOUR

Inhale through both nostrils, FIVE

Exhale through both nostrils, FIVE.

Inhale through the left, SIX

Exhale through the right, SIX…

Continue in this manner with every multiple of FIVE inhaling and exhaling through both nostrils.

If you lose count you have to go back to the beginning and start with ONE.

This technique is beautifully explained on Swami Janakananda’s Yoga Nidra CD, if you would like someone to talk you through it.

SIMPLE ALTERNATE NOSTRIL BREATHING:

Gently rest the index and middle finger of your right hand on your third eye, the space between your eyebrows.

Take a slow breath through both nostrils and exhale through both.

Block off the right nostril with your thumb and inhale through the left.

Block off the left nostril with your ring finger and exhale through the right.

Repeat each cycle two more times.

Now, with the left nostril still blocked with your ring finger inhale through the right.

Block off the right nostril with your thumb and exhale through the left.

Repeat each cycle two more times.

Rest your hand in your lap and take two full deep breaths to resettle.

This is a very centering and relaxing technique as it creates balance between both hemispheres of the brain.

JIN SHIN JYUTSU 36 BREATHS:

This technique is from the ancient healing art of Jin Shin Jyutsu. The idea is you don’t take a breath, your receive it.

(You can find more information on this easy-to-use modality here: http://jsj-holds.blogspot.com/)

Begin by counting your exhalations,

One, exhale, inhale.

Two, exhale, inhale.

Continue in this manner.

If you lose count start again.

1-2-3-4-5-4-3-2-1 BREATH FOCUS FOR MEDITATION:

Inhale, count one

Exhale, count two

Inhale, count three

Exhale, count four

Inhale, count five

Now reverse:

Exhale, count four

Inhale, count three

Exhale, count two

Inhale, count one

Keep repeating until you feel calm, grounded, centered, and focused.

SIMPLEST BREATH WORK AND MANTRA OF ALL:

Inhale and say, “Breathing in, I’m breathing in.”

Exhale and say, “Breathing out, I’m breathing out.”

Repeat until you feel relaxed.

4-7-8 WHOOSH BREATH:

Here are the five steps for the 4-7-8 Breathing Exercise:

  1. Exhale through your mouth making a whoosh sound.
  2. Close your mouth and inhale quietly through your nose for a count of 4.
  3. Hold your breath for a count of 7.
  4. Exhale through your mouth making a whoosh sound for a count of 8.
  5. That was one breath. Now inhale again and repeat the cycle three more times for a total of four breaths.

MICROCOSMIC ORBIT:

(This is taken from qigong master Lee Holden’s blog.)

You can start seated or standing, but we recommend seated to start out.

Close your eyes and take a nice, full breath into your lower abdomen (Dan Tien).

Relax and let your jaw unclench as you exhale.

Repeat this kind of deep breath into your lower abdomen for about 30 seconds until you feel relatively relaxed (you can tell you’re relaxed when your shoulders drop down).

On your next inhale, lightly squeeze your perineum (the spot in between your genitals and anus) and imagine a river of golden honey flowing up your spine to the top of your head.

As you exhale, relax your perineum and lightly touch the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth. Imagine the same river of golden honey flowing down the front of your body…back to your perineum.

Repeat this for as long as you wish.

When you’re done, take a moment to check in with your body.

How do you feel?

Relaxed?

Good. That’s the point 🙂

BREATH WORK FOR THE TOTALLY UNMOTIVATED:

Just yawn.

This has the added benefit of relaxing all the muscles around the eyes.

(You can find other breathing techniques, especially for anxiety, under the Anxiety post.)

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Filed Under: Anxiety, Holistic tools, Stress

Manifesto for Emotional Self-Care

September 16, 2008 by Nicole Urdang

 

 

THIS MANIFESTO, A SET OF GENTLE REMINDERS, HELPS SUPPORT AND GUIDE YOU IN YOUR QUEST FOR YOUR TRUE SELF.

 

 

    I NURTURE COMPASSION FOR MYSELF AND OTHERS

 

    I SET BOUNDARIES AND HONOR THEM

 

    I ALLOW ALL OF MY FEELINGS WITHOUT CRITICISM

 

    I ACCEPT MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY

 

    I CARE FOR MYSELF FIRST

 

    I REVEL IN LIFE’S PLEASURES

 

    I TRUST MY INTUITION

 

    I PROTECT MYSELF

 

    I REAP THE FULLNESS OF THIS MOMENT

 

    I WELCOME MY IMPERFECTIONS

 

    I EMBRACE ALL OF LIFE’S VICISSITUDES

 

    I TAKE EXQUISITELY GOOD CARE OF MYSELF

 

    I SEEK SELF-KNOWLEDGE           

 

    I GENTLY QUIET THE NEGATIVE VOICE WITH LOVE

 

    I AM HAPPY FOR NO REASON AND EVERY REASON

 

    I SAVOR MY FOOD

 

    I EXPECT THINGS TO BE AS THEY ARE

 

    I PRACTICE DETACHMENT AND LOVINGLY LET GO

 

    I CULTIVATE INNER PEACE

 

 

 

 

©Nicole S. Urdang 2004

Filed Under: Holistic tools

Affirmations For Self-Empowerment and Emotional Freedom

September 15, 2008 by Nicole Urdang

AFFIRMATIONS

It’s best to pick the ones that really speak to you now and read them aloud two to three times a day.

It is natural for things to turn out well for me

I don’t have to figure it all out now

I have a fulfilling life and enrich other people’s lives

I assume the best

I listen to my intuition

I choose to enjoy and cherish what is good in my life

I cultivate well-being

I am confident I can handle life’s challenge

People are generally kind to me

I focus on the positive

Unexpected good is coming my way

I acknowledge my pain

I am a beacon of authenticity

I am brave

Everything is happening for my highest good

My finances are increasing

I am resilient

Those I love love me

I live in the present

I find something good in every situation

I feel safe within myself

I see what I want to do and do it

I am courageous

I take exquisitely good care of myself

I eat when I’m hungry and rest when I’m tired

I ask for what I want

I embrace change

I love myself

I have skills and talents

I am a good listener

I believe in myself

I am creative

I grow stronger every day

Life is friendly to me

People feel relaxed around me

I am a calm person

I dare to be myself

My body feels healthy and at ease

I am able to relax

I am loved

I am trustworthy

Every day I get better at being self compassionate

My heart is open

I am caring

I create what I want

I have infinite possibilities

I am confident and self-assured

I inspire others with my actions

I make the most out of my opportunities

I acknowledge I have good people around me

I cultivate peace

I control my temper

I think clearly

I have the ability to handle difficulties

I am my own best friend

I take the time to enjoy my friends and family

I am intelligent

I learn from my experiences

I care for myself

I am flexible

I seek out small joys every day

I love how I grow from change

I am kind

I am open to new experiences

I share my gifts with the world to have a positive impact

I always come across the information I need at the right time

I find ways to accomplish my tasks

I grow wiser every day

I am a good friend

Abundance flows to me in surprising ways every day

I work to achieve my goals

I lead a purposeful existence

I surround myself with kind people

I am grateful for everything in my life

I attract abundance and blessings that benefit me and other people as well

My self-knowledge grows daily and makes me be a better person

I value myself highly for the person I am

I respect myself and act with integrity

I welcome good into my life with open arms

Every day in every way I am getting better and better

I forgive, heal and release anything that’s holding me back from my highest potential for love.

Filed Under: Meditation

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