Holistic Divorce Counseling

Archives for 2008

Memories: Post Divorce Hauntings

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Unless you have a lobotomy, you will have to contend with a boatload of memories.  Some good, some bad, most mundane or neutral.  The last group won’t haunt you, but the happy ones may.  Surprisingly, negative recollections can aid your healing journey by reminding you all was not bliss.  Positive memories allow you to see why you stayed.  It’s the same old balance of light and shadow, yin and yang, that we find in all facets of life.

If you notice you’re pining for the past resurrect a few unpleasant images. This may seem counter-intuitive, but it can bolster your resolve to get through this trial.  If anger arises, it’s OK.  You may think rage is undesirable, but it can be constructive.  Unlike depression, anger is empowering. It lights a fire under you when you need energy to act.  Don’t worry, you won’t stay furious, nor will you give in to every one of your revenge fantasies.  Your wrath is temporary, just like everything else on earth.

Nostalgia and sentimentality are other aspects of remembering, and you will feel their emotional tug from time to time.  Certain events, situations, and holidays may trigger them.  Welcome every one; but, remember: they are history.  Hanging on to some especially poignant images may feel like a sweet grief or a volcano of other emotions, it’s all fine.  Just keep making it safe to feel everything.  Your memories will fade. It’s natural for the present moment to supersede the past. You don’t have to work at it, it happens organically. At some point, you will be ready to live fully in the present, and leave what was behind you.

Sometimes, we unconsciously bring up memories as a way to feel attached to our old life and former partner.  It’s the mind’s way of easing you into a new state; especially, if the break-up was sudden or fast. This emotional bandage allows you psychic space to accommodate to new ways of being with yourself and in the world.  Assume you are healing every minute of every day, whether awake or asleep.  Knowing that enables you to embrace whatever comes.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Faith

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When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.

Patrick Overton

 


Faith in yourself is the prerequisite for true joy and success.  

 

Focus your attention inward and explore.  What would it feel like if you had faith in you?  How would your life be different right this minute? Confidence doesn’t drop out of the sky.  It comes from doing difficult things. Faith is knowing that you can do those things, even if, at first, they seem daunting.  

 

There are no short-cuts.  Day after day, as you face your challenges (whether born from divorce or other causes), with an ever-increasing sense of possibility and enthusiasm, your self-confidence grows.  The fact is you may not enjoy everything life deposits at your door, but you can handle it. You have coped with it all, so far, even when you thought you couldn’t.  No one finds a crisis a cinch.  The great benefits of getting to the other side are recognizing and appreciating your competence and inner strength.

 

Faith is your assumption and belief that goodness will reign in your personal kingdom.  Where is the empirical evidence to support that concept? It’s just like the radio station that’s always there, but you hadn’t heard it because you didn’t tune in.  Realize that whenever you decide you can access this infinitely wonderful, optimistic feeling. It’s always available.  By choosing to feel positive, and dwelling on your desires, you will change your life.

 

Trusting yourself goes hand in glove with faith.  You have made it this far; granted, it wasn’t always easy, but you survived.  From now on you decide to thrive.

 

 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

4 Quick Ways to Keep Conflicts from Escalating

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Have you ever noticed how threatened you can feel when someone doesn’t agree with you?  Over-identification with your thoughts is the culprit. Believing you are your opinions when, in reality, you are far more.

Why is it so crucial for our intimates agree with us?  Is it all ego?  Must we prove we’re right to get that short-lived thrill of besting someone else? Do we use winning arguments as a way of establishing dominance or superiority? Perhaps, the short-lived thrill comes at the long-term expense of setting up an adversarial environment? How could this not take a toll on our closest relationships?

It’s easy to feel on guard when someone doesn’t see things the same way, especially if they are a partner, child, parent, or best friend.  It’s only a tiny step from perceiving a threat (whether real or imagined) to acting angrily; but, with practice, you can change your thoughts and ratchet down your reaction.

The following is a short list of some new ways to think when someone’s opinion differs from yours.

1. There has to be something I can learn here.

2. Agreeing with their position doesn’t take anything away from me.

3. What if I let myself really listen to what they have to say, rather than immediately constructing a retort to make my view more compelling?

4. I respect this person in so many ways, maybe they have a point.

5. Let me try on their belief for a minute to see how it feels.

6. What if I thought this way? How would my life be different?

Once you have set the stage, and feel more open, you can start using some simple behavioral techniques to increase your intellectual and emotional flexibility, and encourage undefensiveness.

When you next find yourself in a situation where someone’s sparring for a fight try:

1.Take  a breath and give yourself a moment to collect your thoughts and decrease your emotional intensity.

2. Agree with something they are saying.

3. Use the Oreo approach: say something positive, then say what you think as gently as possible, then say something else positive.

4. Have an exit strategy in mind, so you can take a break and regroup, even if it means asking to use the bathroom, or getting a glass of water.

In time, these new responses will become second nature.  Discussions will be less likely to escalate into arguments. You will feel more in control and less anxious about interacting with others because you have practiced new ways of thinking and behaving.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Powerlessness, Control & Acceptance

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When we speak of acceptance we really mean accepting things we don’t like, understand, or can’t change. It’s fairly easy to accept the things we enjoy.  The challenge is taking life on life’s terms, and cozying up to the notion that we can’t control many aspects of our health, job, or relationships. Intellectually, we know that, but emotionally, it’s another story.  Our frustration with our inability to make things the way we want them to be causes a fair amount of suffering.    

 

Powerlessness can be a bitter pill; especially, if it’s in relationship to someone you love.  Perhaps, your partner had an addiction, was unfaithful, or spent all the family’s money.  The details are secondary to the common underlying problem: you couldn’t change their behavior.  It’s so easy to become mired in blame, self-blame, depression, anger, and worthlessness in that situation.  The good news is: even if you truly accept your inability to change someone, and let go of all the “shoulds,” you still have choices.  It may not feel that way, because none of the options are particularly appealing, but they exist.

 

Our ego loves to think it’s in charge, but it isn’t.  The flip side of all that hubris is that when we can’t change someone we feel impotent, ineffectual, and extremely frustrated. Albert Ellis used to say, “People are going to do what they want to do, not what you want them to do.”  Of course, you already know that, but it’s quite another thing to live it.  The trick is: be exquisitely patient with yourself,  this is very challenging work and it takes time.  Write out all your unhelpful, recurring thoughts and question them.

 

Here are a few examples of things you might think with possible questions:

 

If she really loved me she wouldn’t have cheated.

How does her cheating prove she didn’t love me?  Could she have been confused?  Could we have been going through a rough patch?  Am I all-knowing?  

If he cared about our family he wouldn’t have gambled away all our savings.

Is gambling an addiction?  If so, was he in control?  Couldn’t he care about our family and be addicted to gambling?

If our marriage mattered she would have gone to AA.

Was she too scared to face her demons to go to AA?  Was she too inebriated to think clearly enough to seek help?  

 

The truth is:  Your mate’s behavior had very little, if anything, to do with you.  It’s all about him or her.

You can’t make someone lie, cheat, or keep secrets, any more than you can make them honest, loving, or kind.  You just don’t have that much power. 

 

Your unhelpful thoughts and feelings have one important thing in common: they all have a component of awfulizing.  This means that whatever happens you consciously or unconsciously think: “This is just awful.  I can’t stand it.  S/He must behave differently, and if s/he doesn’t I can’t take it anymore.”  Obviously, if you’re alive you can take it because things you can’t take, like lack of oxygen, kill you.  Once you acknowledge that you can stand the situation, even if you really don’t like it, you suddenly feel more empowered and capable of going forward in whatever way makes sense to you.

 

The good news is: you have power over yourself.  You get to choose your thoughts.  Once you train yourself to choose more helpful thoughts, via rational-emotive behavior therapy, you’ll find you’re feeling better. (I highly recommend Albert Ellis’ book: HOW TO STUBBORNLY REFUSE TO MAKE YOURSELF MISERABLE ABOUT ANYTHING, YES, ANYTHING! for effective ways to restructure your thoughts.)

 

All endings are beginnings.  Let this be the start of a new relationship with yourself.  After all, it’s something you can control.

 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Grace

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“The growth of grace is like the polishing of metals. There is first an opaque surface; by and by you see a spark darting out, then a strong light; ’till at length it sends back a perfect image of the sun that shines upon it.” Edward Payson (1783-1827)


“We’re all stumbling towards the light with varying degrees of grace at any given moment.” Bo Lozoff


“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace – only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.” Anne Lamott




If you choose to you can see grace in everything.  Surely, it was grace that let you take a breath when the grief was so intense you thought your body would implode.  It was grace that, after a night of tears, let you see the beauty of red leaves falling to the ground; and, it was grace that brought a smile to your lips when you saw a young couple holding hands.


The Hasidic Jews practice saying a Hebrew phrase: Baruch Hashem, which roughly translates to “Thank God,” whenever anything happens. So, let’s say you made a huge pot of soup and it’s been simmering all day. You carefully pick it up, but trip on something and it spills its entire contents on the floor.  Why say Baruch Hashem?  Because you’re assuming everything happens for the best; it’s all from God and divine. On a purely pragmatic level, falling at that very second may have prevented something worse from happening.


There’s a fairly well-known story about a man who led a righteous life. Without reason, his horse escaped, and fled into barbarian territory. Everyone pitied him, but the old man said : “What makes you think this is not a good thing?”

Several months later, his horse returned, accompanied by a superb stallion. Everyone congratulated him. But the old man said: “What makes you think this cannot be a bad thing?”

The family was richer from a good horse, and his son enjoyed riding it. One day, while riding, he fell and broke his hip. Everyone pitied him, but the old man said: “What makes you think this is not a good thing?”

A year later, a large party of barbarians entered the border. All the able-bodied men drew their bows and went to battle. Nine out of ten died. But because he was lame the man’s son did not have to fight and was spared.


What do we know?  Why not assume the best?  It’s the nature of life to have balance: yin and yang, light and shadow.  All things contain seeds of their opposite.  If you ever had a baby, you know (consciously or unconsciously) that from the second your child is born they move towards increasing independence, and away from you.  Their self-sufficiency is actually your ultimate goal.


Everything is bittersweet.  The greatest joy ends and the deepest sadness heals.  Perhaps, this ebb and flow from one type of experience to another, is what keeps us so entranced with life.  We’re on an intermittent reinforcement schedule, and there’s no way to predict what’s next.


Nature’s most intense expressions: tsunamis, earthquakes, avalanches all end with peace resumed.  Yes, there has been a major upheaval and plenty of damage; but, just like the naturally occurring forest fires, it paves the way for an explosion of new growth. There’s grace in that transformation, just as there’s grace in each of us.  It may be harder to find because of our habitual preference for stability and familiarity, but it’s there.


The entire cycle, from birth to death, is grace incarnate.  Not every minute is joyous, but even suffering can be sweet in its ending, setting the stage for greater delight.




Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Triggers

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You can’t avoid triggers.  They’re everywhere.  The longer you were coupled, the more you have.  Some days, it might seem as if everything is a trigger.  If you were together for decades, that’s likely.  You literally shared millions of moments.  Deepak Chopra used to say that couples shared sub-atomic particles by being so physically close for so long and literally breathing each other’s breath. Those particles became part of your cellular self.  If it takes the body seven years to completely refresh its cells you can make a great case that it takes time to fully heal.  Be patient and loving to yourself as myriad scents, foods, places, movies, seasons, holidays and birthdays trigger a roller-coaster of memories.   

 

Even if you were only married a year you still amassed a bushel of shared experiences; and, many were good.  Because these experiences didn’t happen in a vacuum, there are sounds, sights, smells, touches, and tastes that when re-encountered trigger a flood of memories and feelings. While you can’t really prepare for this sensory/emotional bombardment, you can be sure it will happen.  Having a heads-up means you’ll be better able to cope with the tsunami of feelings when they wash over you.  By making it safe to feel them all, even the scariest ones (like those that make you question if splitting was the right choice), you move forward.  

 

Progress may be indiscernible to the naked eye, but it is there.  My favorite example of this almost-unmeasurable growth comes from yoga. Imagine you are doing a standing forward bend.  You would like your hands to reach the floor, but they don’t, so you get a 365 page book and rest your fingers on it. Every day you remove one page. By the end of the year your hands reach the floor. This dark emotional journey of healing through divorce is like the book: bit by bit, you move into a fresh way of being in yourself and in the world, creating a new life while befriending your scariest thoughts and feelings.

 

One day, when you least expect it, something that was a reliable trigger won’t press all those emotional buttons.  You’ll be centered and peaceful.

 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang