Holistic Divorce Counseling

Archives for 2008

Learning

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Neuroscientists maintain you have pathways in the brain that get stronger with each repetition.  This is adaptive, as it makes learning go from awkward to second nature.  Do you actually think about putting your foot on the gas pedal while driving?  That neural pathway is so deeply established you feel as if you’re on auto-pilot; the lesson has become almost unconscious.  Similarly, you have deeply ingrained thought patterns about your relationship with yourself and others.  These, too, have become embedded from years of repetition.

 

When you want to change a long held belief you need to assiduously practice thinking differently, as the old way is almost tattooed on your brain. It is not going to disappear and can’t be excised.  The only way to lessen its influence is to create a new, stronger pathway; and, the only way to achieve that is by constantly practicing new thoughts.

 

If you have the motivation and self-discipline to take on this task, understand: the old neural pathway can be reactivated under certain circumstances.  Let’s say you have successfully adopted a new, positive belief about yourself.  You go home for a visit and someone says something that pushes a button in you and stimulates the old pathway, and your former pattern of response.  That pathway may have been dormant but it is still there.  Luckily,  just because an old thought or pattern rears its head doesn’t mean it’s taking over. Don’t be discouraged. You can constantly repeat your positive thoughts until you have reinvigorated the new pathway.

 

The more you practice thinking positively, the better you will feel.  Start with the Litany of Love or Affirmations pages on this site.  Pick one and repeat it many times a day.  Watch as this new neural pathway gains strength and eclipses your old patterns.  Pay attention to how that effects your feelings. Consciously choose thoughts that increase your well-being.  When old, unhelpful beliefs show up, gently and lovingly replace them with something optimistic.  Eventually, these new ways of looking at yourself and the world will become second nature.

 

 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang 

Material Loss: Whatever You Own Owns You

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Someone very smart once said, “Whatever you own owns you.”

It’s fairly typical when splitting up to lose some of your favorite possessions.  Just another loss to tack on the list? Perhaps. But, it could also be one of those famous “divorce opportunities” where something that appears negative ends up positive.  What’s so great about giving up things you loved?  It’s a chance to simplify, to pare down, to appreciate life more and stuff less.

Necessity can catalyze creativity like nothing else.  If your walls are suddenly bare try hanging up that old quilt.  If your ex took all the silverware eat with chopsticks, any take-out place will be happy to give you a pair.  If you need a small table stack some large books.  I once copied a Joseph Albers abstract painting on an entire wall using less than $10 worth of paint.  Freecycle is a great way to get furniture, exercise equipment, clothing, kitchen supplies, all kinds of things, for free. Thrift shops usually have discounts for people over 55 one day a week, and Habitat for Humanity has stores all over the country where you can buy furniture for very little.  It’s amazing how a can of spray paint can make something look great in a few minutes.

Of course, there are things you will miss; and, superficial as it may sound, you could find yourself grieving over a particular piece of furniture.  Is it the couch?  Is it seeing your life reduced materially and then feeling bereft?  Is it symbolic?  It doesn’t matter.  Just feel your feelings.  Whatever they are now will change.

Everyone’s comfort level is different, know yours.  Some folks feel secure and grounded with lots of stuff around, while others feel oppressed and tethered.  There’s no one right way. Because you are in a state of flux, you may not know what feels best.  Less may have been more, but now it’s just less. Experiment. Allowing yourself to discover new preferences opens you up to feeling surprised and noticing how you’re changing.

You have been adjusting in many ways: emotionally, financially, socially, physically, and sexually.  Here’s yet another adjustment.  It isn’t easy (see the Rumi poem, The Guest House, under the Quotes To Live By category for some perspective), but it isn’t all bad.  Maybe you get a couch from Freecycle and make a new friend in the process? Your changing life is full of opportunities.

Perhaps this is a chance to experiment with a stark, Zen look?  What about Wabi-Sabi, a style that values worn items?  Maybe you would gain from asking all your friends and relatives if they have anything to give or lend?  Not only will your creativity be stimulated, you’ll see how adaptable you can be.

Of course, it’s not fun to see the trappings of your life be hauled away.  Allow yourself to miss your stuff. As Madonna said, “I’m living in a material world and I am a material girl (or boy).”  We can’t help it.  We’re attached to our things.  I’m sure cave men and women loved their special stick for roasting Woolly Mammoth.  Yes, it’s another loss. Don’t pretend otherwise.  Just know you can handle it.  Having to focus on something tangible can be quite centering.

In my situation, I bought my wasband’s half of the furniture.  Nothing was particularly valuable, but it was all familiar. I thought facing a half-empty house would be overwhelming.  The decision was a mixed blessing.  I got stuck with a houseful of old, mostly uncomfortable furniture, while he shopped for new things, all of which had no history.  There’s really no great solution.  Whatever you choose, or is foisted on you, has pros and cons, just like your new-found freedom.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

True Beauty: From The Inside Out

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The older I get the more I want my inner light to shine.

Beauty comes from inside.  It emanates from being your true self.

While beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, the most important beholder of you is you.

Have you ever known someone of average appearance who felt so good about him or herself that they positively glowed?  It was beyond looks: pure positive energy.  Someone who knew Joe Namath told me when Joe walked into a room everyone, both men and women, was mesmerized. He certainly wasn’t the handsomest man on earth, but he exuded charisma. Animal magnetism is the openness that lets your good, loving energy shine through.  Now, obviously, when you’re in the throes of divorce, or any particularly stressful time, you will undoubtedly feel pretty ragged. Later on, when you see the plethora of people out there it can be easy to do what the Buddha exhorted against: compare yourself.  (See: https://holisticdivorce.wordpress.com/category/compare-to-despair/) Resist.  Remember, you are unique, incomparable.

There is an old saying: Beauty is as beauty does. No doubt, you have had the experience of meeting someone stunning but after getting to know them revising your opinion. Almost always, it’s because some of their unlovable behaviors eclipsed a beautiful exterior.  Conversely, how often have you met someone average looking, but after getting to know them finding they morphed into someone captivating?  Here’s proof from your own experience that beauty is more than skin deep.

Develop your mind, your soul, and your compassion; then, see whom the cat drags in.  At the very least, you will enjoy your own company.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

The Road To Hell…

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The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Whenever you are going through something particularly taxing, you can be sure everyone will have an opinion.  And, they have to share it.  People come from all sorts of emotional and psychological places, so remember to take what they say with a pound of salt. They are not you, and can’t know what you are feeling, unless you tell them.  They want to say something useful; in fact, they often think they have to say something, which is how so many unhelpful, even hurtful, things are bandied about.

 

Someone told a friend of mine that his marriage of 30 years was all for naught.  Not exactly sensitive; especially, when the person thought the marriage had some very good parts, as well as a few lovable children.  (The last thing you want to do when looking back on a long partnership is to throw out the baby with the bath water.  Nothing and no one is 100% bad.)  Another person’s friend hung up on her because she didn’t respond correctly to her friend’s attempt at being helpful.  Countless folks will tell you how you feel.  I even heard one person tell a friend she was fine only to have the friend argue vociferously that she wasn’t.  You can be in deep grief and still enjoy some peaceful, good moments.  Going through a major life transition doesn’t mandate feeling lower than a snake’s wiggle 24/7.  

 

Though you are probably extremely sensitive, try cutting cut people some slack when they don’t understand, or respond in ways that push your buttons.  Most of them are really trying to help.  They think they get what you are going through because they may have had a hard break-up, too; but, even if they went through a similar experience, it was through their lens, not yours.  No marriage is identical to any other, and you’re the only authority on you.    

 

Another facet of people telling you what they think you’re feeling is when they tell you what you “should” feel. Don’t let anyone invalidate your truth, your experience.  There’s no right way of dealing with divorce. This is probably the only time you are divorcing this particular mate, so it’s really a mystery how you will feel from one moment to the next.  It’s impossible for someone else to know what you need to heal. They may have the best intentions, but to you their comment sounds like a criticism–you’re not even grieving correctly.  This is a perfect opportunity to practice being true to yourself.  Politely thank them for their insight, and immediately dismiss it from your mind.  Again, you’re the expert on you.

 

When you feel attacked or misunderstood, it’s very hard to remember that the other person, in most cases, is trying to be kind; but I would suggest assuming the best…unless it’s followed up by more of the same. Sometimes, a friend may be threatened by your situation.  We therapists have a term called projection.  It refers to someone foisting their own agenda, values, preferences, and issues on you and calling them yours. There’s nothing like a life-changing event to threaten other people and their choices.  Projection is not done consciously, nor is it done with hostility.  It’s a defense mechanism, and protects one’s ego.  So, it has nothing to do with you; except that you’re the recipient and it doesn’t feel good.  Again, if this happens infrequently, try to let it go.

 

Having navigated these shark-infested waters, you may find yourself giving unsolicited advice.  Step back and listen.  What your friend really needs, more than anything else, is an opportunity to vent.

 

 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Visualization

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Visualization might be considered a type of meditation, as your mind is focused on the task at hand.

There are many ways to use visualization to help you through this trying time.  One of my favorites is the following:

 

Build a sanctuary in your head.

Picture a room, teepee, house, treehouse, whatever appeals to you, anywhere you like.

Decorate it exactly as you would want it to look.

Spare no details.  As a matter of fact, include everything you could possibly desire to make this space a sanctuary.

If there are scents that appeal to you, include them.

If there is music, or bird song, include it.

Add your favorite food and drink.

This is for you alone, so make it precisely how you would want it to be.

 

Once you’ve accomplished that, and it may take some time, go there often.  Later, when you are stressed, it will be easier to access your inner refuge. 

Creating a safe haven is critical when your world feels as if it’s crumbling around you.  This personal positive imagery helps you see a future in which you will feel peaceful and calm, while giving you one more resource to support your journey.

 

 

 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Practical Matters During A Divorce

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First and foremost: Trust your intuition.  If you have a bad gut feeling pay attention to it, whether it “makes sense” or not.

If you have any joint accounts with large sums of money freeze them.  Ditto for any open lines of credit, like a home equity line of credit.

If there’s anything you want, and you have reason to believe your mate would do something underhanded, like remove valuables or financial records, take those things now.

If you have reason to believe your partner has lied, assume they have lied about more than you currently know.  Don’t trust them to tell you the truth about anything.  You may be over-protecting yourself, but that’s better than the alternative.

The laws vary from state to state.  Equitable distribution, for example, in New York, does not mean equal distribution.  This is why after even decades of marriage a woman often walks away with less than her husband; especially, if the children are adults and the woman worked.

In a long-term marriage, any debts you paid off, like education, loans, etc. will probably not be reimbursed.

All debt, even if incurred by only one party, and even if you had no idea the debt existed, is deemed marital.  In other words, you are responsible for half of it.  Make sure you are not liable for your spouse’s debts post-divorce.

Be suspicious if your mate suddenly starts paying all the bills from his or her office.  What is s/he hiding? If you are naturally open and honest, being suspicious will feel very foreign and unappealing.  Get over that and investigate what is going on.

If you think your mate’s collection of Asian art or Hank Aaron memorabilia is valuable, have it assessed.

If you and your partner can be civil, try mediation.  It will save you thousands of dollars, not to mention time.  But, if you have the slightest inkling your mate will be sneaky and lie, get the best lawyer you can afford.  Find someone kind and competent.  Ask everyone you know for a referral and interview, at least, three attorneys.

If you think your mate is irresponsible with money siphon some off and hide it: in cash, someplace safe.  Do not put it in a separate account with your name, as that is marital property, and (typically) will be divided in half.

Judges generally couldn’t care less if you were the best spouse on earth.  All the lawyers and judges care about is money and property.  None of them want to get distracted by your story.

Never use your lawyer as a counselor.  Their fee is double or triple that of a therapist, and they are not trained to help you emotionally.

Allow yourself to be needy, even if you’ve always been independent.  Ask for help.  This is crucial. You will need it.  So, overcome whatever false pride is fueling your hesitance and take any support that comes your way.  There’s no shame in letting your friends and family help.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang