Archives for 2008

Feeling & Healing

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If you’re feeling you’re healing.  Conversely, if you’re not feeling you’re not healing.  I know I constantly harp on this, but only because it is so important.  Making it safe to feel your feelings will get you through all the emotional detritus surrounding divorce, or any other life transition.  In addition, by moving through your grief, rather than trying to circumvent it, you will hone your intuition.  Those indescribable gut feelings, born of experience and understanding, will help you make better decisions in all aspects of your life.

We’re still burdened by our Calvinist past, it’s in the air we breathe.  Deep down most of us have a little voice in our head saying: keep a stiff upper lip, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and other aphorisms meant to keep us out of touch with our feelings.  They might have been useful in the past when people didn’t have the time to explore their emotions, and died young, but we’re living in a different age with a far longer life span.  We have all the time we need to plumb our depths.

One good way to do this is to write a journal entry on the emotion du jour with your non-dominant hand.  So if you’re a “rightie” write with your left hand, and vice-versa.  This allows you to access your unconscious mind more easily, and find out what you are really feeling.

Feelings are a conduit to understanding what you are telling yourself.  Once you are in touch with them you can ask yourself: “What could I be thinking to create that feeling?” Then, you can change your thoughts through Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy (the original Cognitive-Behavior Therapy) which will replace negative emotions with more positive ones.

For example, if you are depressed your inner dialogue might be:

I’ll never feel better, and that would be terrible.

I’ll always be alone, and that would be awful.

I’ll never find anyone to love and who will love me; life won’t be worth living.

You get the idea. There’s typically an overgeneralization with an extremely negative assessment.  Actually, it’s often the pessimistic evaluation that really sinks our emotional boat, as we can then move directly to I-can’t-stand-it-itis (as Albert Ellis used to say).  Once we’ve landed there, we will undoubtedly feel lower than a snake’s wiggle.

The answer is to vigorously dispute the litany of negative thoughts that give rise to disturbing feelings, like: guilt, depression, anxiety, worthlessness, and anger. (See Annotated Bibliography for books by Ellis.)

It’s a common misperception that Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy is all about the rational and leaves emotions in the dust.  Nothing could be further from the truth. It is by acknowledging your feelings that you can figure out what you’re telling yourself.  Then, ask yourself: “Just because I think this is it really true?”  Once upon a time, people thought the world was flat and blood-letting cured all ills.  We think unhelpful and unrealistic thoughts all the time.  That’s fine, it’s human nature, and there’s no need for self-denigration.  Just replace your unhelpful ruminations with new ones, and let yourself feel better.

How about thinking:

I may feel lousy right now, but I’ve felt bad before and that didn’t last.  One thing I know for sure is everything changes.  Even if I do feel depressed it isn’t the end of the world.  I may not like it, but I certainly can stand it.  If I couldn’t, I’d be dead.  (I literally can’t stand being without oxygen and food, but I can stand feeling rotten.)

Just because I am flying solo now doesn’t mean I will be alone for the rest of my life.  Actually, this is an opportunity to learn to love my own company.  If I ended up without a mate, I could still enjoy life.  Plenty of people are partner-less and don’t view it negatively; many actually prefer it.  Mother Theresa didn’t need a mate to find meaning, love and fulfillment in life.  I may prefer someone by my side, but that’s who I am today. As a constantly changing and growing person I have no idea who I’ll be tomorrow or a year from now, so why torture myself with assumptions?

Am I the ruler of the universe?  Am I clairvoyant?  If not, how can I possibly know what the future holds.  With 7 billion people on the face of the earth it’s far more likely I will meet someone than not.  If I loved before I know I am capable of loving again; similarly, if someone loved me I will only be more lovable as I move towards being my truest self.

Another thing to remember is that emotions usually come in clusters, so when you feel one ask yourself: “What other feelings might be lurking around?”   When you ferret something out ask yourself what thoughts might be creating it and dispute those with as much vigor as you did the last batch.

Introduce more helpful, positive thoughts by using affirmations, Robyn Posin’s cards (see Annotated Bibliography), and the Litany of Love (see Litany of Love).  Read them all regularly until they’re second nature.  There’s no such thing as overkill when it comes to thinking optimistically, practicing unconditional self-acceptance, and larding on tons of gentleness to counteract residual negative self-talk.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Betrayal: Understanding It and Starting To Heal

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The greater the love and loyalty, the involvement and commitment, the greater the betrayal.

James Hillman

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

Sir Walter Scott

Secrets, lies, cheating.  They’re all forms of betrayal, and they all destroy trust.

As a therapist I have seen my share of emotional havoc wreaked by betrayal; and, as a divorced woman I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of deception.

When facing a mate’s lies it’s important to remember that their lying says absolutely nothing about you and everything about them.  Either they were cowardly and couldn’t face you with the truth, or they have a diagnosable psychiatric condition like sociopathy (now euphemistically called Anti-social Personality Disorder).  Neither explanation makes them particularly appealing.

Unfortunately, you invested a good part of your life loving and trusting this person, so expect a hefty amount of cognitive dissonance and grief. Those feelings will dissipate, but not before you’ve danced more than a few pas de deux with them. Expect to feel outraged. Thoughts like: “How could s/he do this to me?” are the coin of the realm.

Bad things happen to everyone.  There’s no inoculation from betrayal.  You can be the best partner on earth and still be treated poorly. Actually, people who are pathological liars and sociopaths (both of whom are often narcissists) have an innate sense of who is a good mark.  They usually choose a hard-working, open-hearted soul who will be devoted to them. I am not referring to one-time liars here, but people who have lied throughout a relationship.  Not the person who had a one-night stand, but the adulterer who had a series of extra-curricular trysts. Not the person who made a silly financial mistake, but the one who repeatedly withheld information, lying by omission.  The virtuous mate persists in seeing their partner in the best light, despite evidence to the contrary.  Why? An honest person does not think others are duplicitous; it simply doesn’t occur to them. They habitually assume the best; and, everyone is subject to inertia (a body at rest stays at rest and a body in motion stays in motion). Normal responsibilities, like laundry, car-pooling the kids, and working are distracting. The luxury of trusting someone means not examining every little nuance for signs of secrets.

So, how do you wrap your mind around this situation and move forward?  First of all, if you are honest and forthright other people are, too.  I know it’s easy to question one’s judgment, but you are much wiser now than when you entered into this relationship.  In the future, you will be more cautious, but not so much that you lock up your heart.  Give yourself time.  You will heal.  Everything truly happens for your highest good, even though it may be impossible to see that now.

Here’s a radical thought: be happy you trusted someone.  It says something wonderful about you.  Everyone gets taken in by someone sometimes. Con artists are charismatic. They use their wiles to manipulate.  Be glad you found out the truth.  It may be a bitter pill, but there’s an antidote: loving yourself and living joyfully.  You may not be there yet, but you will be. People recover from the loss of their rose-colored glasses every day.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Dealing with Overwhelming Feelings

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Don’t be afraid of your fear.  When you fight tooth and nail against what is true for you now not only do you deny yourself great opportunities to grow, you add to your misery.  Whatever is front and center is exactly right at this moment, even if it feels lousy. It is perfectly normal to ride a roller coaster of emotions. One minute you’re soaring with joy and the next you’re in the abyss.  It’s just as it should be.  Your world is in crisis. Is it reasonable to expect emotional stability?

Being in the midst of a tempest means you’re internally adjusting from second to second. It’s natural to think you are coming undone, but you’re not.  When your body-mind-spirit is overloaded numbness is another self-protective option to cope with your vacillating emotions.  It’s OK.  It will pass.  The trick to walking this path is to make it safe to feel everything, even in quick succession, no matter how surprising or unpleasant.

Your dance of grief, joy, anxiety, optimism, etc. is unique to you.  Therefore, no one, no matter how much they care, can accurately assess or comment on your process. But, people will offer their unsolicited opinions and tell you what you should or shouldn’t be feeling.  Sift the useful from the useless and ditch the latter.

Trust yourself. Part of your task now is to discover how you can let go and catch yourself before you fall. Through trial and error you will learn to be your own life boat, making you feel safe by accepting all moods and emotions. Be patient with yourself as you lovingly witness them coming and going.  Ride them like a wave, welcoming each as a teacher offering vital life lessons.

Use all your experiences as catalysts encouraging a shift in perspective, and in your self-concept.  What a perfect time to reconfigure your view of you.  Let everything help you home in on what’s important, and avoid what’s merely distraction from your true path.

Remember: your taking the very best care of you not only improves your outlook, but it helps heal the world.  Practice loving your sweet self and see what happens.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Post-Divorce Vulnerability

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After months or years of being on continuous red alert, things are finally settled. “Now, I can relax,” you might think, and, in some ways, you would be right; but, once you let your guard down it’s very easy to feel overwhelmed with the challenges of your new life, and to suddenly get sick.  I know it’s counter-intuitive to think you are more likely to fall ill when the extreme pressure is over, but the body-mind has a way of stepping up to the plate when threats are constant, and relaxing its vigilance when things calm down. How paradoxical that the same deep, cellular relief allowing you to open up and heal, makes you more prone to opportunistic colds and infections. However, it’s typical, after the real threat has passed, to suddenly get sick with something.  By taking very good care of yourself you can actually strengthen your immune system. 

 

The following simple, but not easy, suggestions will keep you healthy:

 

Eat well (lots of fruits, veggies, yogurt or probiotics, and whole grains).

Relax (meditate, resist over-scheduling yourself, listen to music, lie on the couch and read a book, have a cup of tea, take a warm bath, etc.).

Get enough sleep.

Soak up some nature (walk or drive someplace for a change of scene).

Keep writing in your journal; you are still processing and venting is good.

Remind yourself that you are over the worst, but that very same relief necessitates greater vigilance and self care.

 

While you know you have been through an emotional wringer you may not be aware of how romantically vulnerable you are.  By all means, date, but be careful.  Not necessarily so cautious of others as of your own new porosity and desire to connect. A strong desire to find someone may cloud your good sense.  Those of you who have been coupled for decades know the joys of long-term intimacy and may want to replicate them the first chance you can. Of course, some will run for the hills at the hint of anything serious; either tendency is a red flag and fairly screams: slow down. This is a perfect time to develop or renew your relationship with yourself.  If you have done almost everything as a couple, you can learn how to independently go to a movie, museum, or restaurant.  Even if the thought of doing things solo gives you the heebie-jeebies, experiment. You are not the same person you were years ago and you may love the freedom of doing what you want when you want without having to consider someone’s else’s preferences. Allow the joy of discovering new aspects of yourself, while making friends (see Losing Friends), and seeing where an open heart and mind lead.  If you feel some anxiety, let it work in your favor, as it does for test-taking, sharpening the mind and reaction times.  If more than a little nervousness plagues you, try some Rescue Remedy (see Herbal and Homeopathic Helpers).  Freedom can be a heady experience, but you will adjust and come to love captaining your own ship.

 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Loneliness: Widening Your Social Circle

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Transformation has many components, not the least of which is revamping your social network.  If you are ending a relationship, you are losing one of your major life supports. As if this weren’t hard enough, other friendships, even long-lasting ones, may dissolve.  What’s a solo to do? Connect, of course!

Luckily, there are seven billion people in the world, so the numbers are in your favor.  With one third of all American adults living alone, hundreds of thousands are looking to make friends, platonic or romantic. Dating sites abound, including free ones, like plentyoffish.com.  (If you go this route, please be sensible about meeting people in public, well-lit places. Don’t give out your phone number or any other personal information; and, you might want to google your new acquaintance’s name.)

There are two prerequisites to successfully expanding your social circle: open-heartedness and paying attention.  Every time you are out in the world, whether it’s the grocery store, the library, or a coffee house, focus on positive thoughts (see Affirmations) and smile.  There’s nothing more appealing than good karma. If you exude it people will be drawn to you. Hiding your light under a bushel is a sure-fire way to feel separate and alone.  Practicing openness (see Open Your Heart ) and smiling have the added benefit of increasing your joy, whether you meet your soul mate, or not.  Paying attention means if someone smiles back you notice and add an extra second of eye contact.  There are so many opportunities to connect, but you have to be aware of your effect on others. Then, smile a little more.

Notice how people react to your new habit.  You may not want to grin ear to ear, as that’s more than most people can assimilate without thinking you’re two shrimp short of a stir-fry, but you can practice a gentle, content smile.  Of course, if you’re feeling miserable don’t paste an artificial smile on your face, as that sends a very confusing and dissonant message. But, if you are in a neutral or positive state of mind, just let yourself have fun with this, and watch what happens.  It’s chaos theory: one thing changes and there’s a ripple effect across the universe.

No beauty potion, diet, or plastic surgery is as potent as the combination of authenticity, openness, and a genuine smile.  It’s free, easy, and even changes your brain chemistry.  Yes, when you smile, certain facial muscles get activated and they send a message to your brain to create more joy.

All the above notwithstanding, the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself.  Period. So, treat your sweet self with as much loving kindness, gentleness, and patience you can muster.  It will not only redound to your benefit a thousand times over, but it will make you a people magnet.

Click on the following symbol to see a poetic and inspirational video on how to be alone:

Text Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Emotional vs. Physical Abuse

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We have a two-tired system for the treatment of emotional and physical abuse.  If someone beats you up everyone is sympathetic and rushes to your side.  On the other hand, if someone emotionally abuses you people steer clear. They may even suggest you put it behind you, forget about it, get over it, or forgive the perpetrator.  They would never react this way if you were assaulted. They would be solicitous, kind, and caring. Why the difference?

I have been thinking about this imbalance for years.  I believe it comes from our Calvinist background, like so many things stored in our collective unconscious. The puritanical world view tells us we should put our shoulder to the wheel and just suck it up. So, because emotional abuse doesn’t show the way a black eye might, it’s easier to ignore.  We don’t have to deal with our own insecure attempts at helping someone feel better, soothing their hurt, or helping them see things differently. €We can put band-aids on cuts, casts on broken bones, and salves on wounds, but there’s no easy solution for emotional pain.  It’s elusive, slippery, and just when we think we’ve dealt with it, it returns.

Then, there’s its ubiquity.  Who hasn’t suffered from hurt feelings, or worse?  All of which would make us think we could be far more compassionate to each other, but we’re not.  Perhaps, it’s threatening to be around someone who is in emotional pain?  Maybe, it reminds us of our own vulnerability?  I know if my friend sprains her wrist I don’t automatically think I could sprain mine; but, if she’s stressed-out from money woes, issues with her children, or a major life transition, I can definitely identify.  Do we think emotional suffering is contagious?  It’s possible that being around someone who is in psychic pain effects us more deeply than we know.  Unlike the sprained wrist, where we can easily separate ourselves, we know we’re not immune to life’s vicissitudes.

When a friend or family member is going through a hard time, listening to them can be quite stressful.  Not only is there negative energy to contend with, but there’s the unconscious fear that, somehow, some of it will rub off on you.  This is simply superstitious, and prevents us from being present and supportive to those we love.  Yes, it’s challenging to sit with anyone in emotional pain; especially, when it manifests as rage or deep grief, but not being available cuts us off from our most precious gift: our humanity. Being a witness to the most intense feelings someone might ever experience is not only a gift to them, but to you. It helps you develop more compassion for others, and increases your compassion for yourself.

So, the next time someone is in dire straits and needs all the support they can get, put your arm around them and listen.  They don’t expect you to make it better, but they will be grateful for your tenderness.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang